Over the course of our lives we have so many relationships - family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships - and each relationships has its own life course, its own journey. Often when we enter into relationships we think that they will last forever. Wonderful people come into our lives for various reasons and we think that we will have those people in our lives forever. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's not.
For most of my life I've been a "till-death-do-us-part" kind of person. I would work and work and work to keep friendships and romantic relationships alive long past their expiration date. It's only been in the last year that I have come to understand that holding on to a relationship that has ended can damage us. Not only can it cause us pain, it can chip away at the foundation of who we are and if we don't see that, we end up sacrificing ourselves in order to try to keep the relationship alive.
Sometimes relationships stagnate. Sometimes they turn toxic. Sometimes they just stop. If we're lucky, instead of ending, relationships can transform into something different and the connection with the other person can continue, but in a different form than it was before. The important thing to realize is that we do no good to ourselves, to each other, or to the relationship if we continue to hold on when we need to let go and walk away.
I think it can be difficult for people who want to be considered "good" people to feel as if they have to hold on; keep trying. The truth is that we do more good if we honor the lifespan of the relationship and walk away when it becomes clear that what once was is no more. In holding on we run the risk of becoming bitter and angry, trying to force something into a shape that it can no longer hold. Or even worse, we lose ourselves in the effort and the continual attempt to mold the relationship back into what it was. Every effort becomes a self-sabotaging behavior and if we continue we run the risk of losing our dignity, our self-respect, and our personal truth.
When a relationship ends, the signs tend to be pretty obvious. What makes them difficult to see is our unwillingness to acknowledge that the signs are there. We want things to remain the same for many reasons - we're comfortable with what we know, we're afraid to face a loss, we don't want to feel as though we have failed.
Recently, I've had to examine whether or not I contributed to the ending of a couple of close relationships and it's almost easier to take the responsibility upon myself, but I really can't do that. In these relationships I have done everything I can to keep the relationship alive. What is different this time, is that I have been able to acknowledge that there's nothing more to be done. The relationships have ended and it's time to let them go.
It's important to love yourself carefully and gently through this process. To be as honest as you can without shaming yourself, falsely assigning blame to yourself or to the other person. It's also important to acknowledge that not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime and that it's ending isn't a necessarily a bad thing, it is just over. That doesn't mean that we won't feel grief or sadness at the loss of the relationship; if it was a good relationship we probably will. That cannot get in the way of being able to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer able to serve the purpose it once did and that if it can't transform and serve something else within us, it is done.
Watch your anger if it comes up for you during these times. Chances are your anger is hiding sadness, hurt or fear. You are better served by dealing with the root emotion under the anger than the anger itself because the anger isn't the problem. Instead it is a protective mechanism designed to keep us from feeling the more painful feelings. Anger is easier, but the real issue at hand is the hurt or the sadness or the fear. And above all, don't be afraid to honor yourself and the relationship by walking away when it is time. If you are able to walk away, you're more likely to see the gifts and opportunities that the relationship brought into your life instead of the damage that is left by trying to keep it alive.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
How Much is Enough?
I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. It's come up in every aspect of my life. In my education, in my work both as a social work intern and a research assistant, and in my personal life. I think sometimes it can be difficult to answer this question because it gets all tied up in things that confuse us like our attachment to an outcome, our desire to provide service, our love for the people close to us, and the expectations of others. Sometimes when we seek to answer this question we may have a different idea of what is enough than the person or situation to which we are giving.
The questions that have come up for me in terms of giving enough are, am I learning enough to do the work I have trained for? Am I doing enough to prepare for my future? Have I explained enough, given enough time, enough examples, for people to understand what they have to do? Have I provided everything I reasonably can to my clients and what am I reasonably expected to give in my role as a social worker? Have I shown enough appreciation to my friends and loved ones? Have I given the people I care about enough time, understanding, compassion, and care? All of these questions can be hard to answer if you don't have a reasonable understanding of what is enough for you as well as your own internal signals for having reached the level of enough.
There are some people for whom an infinite amount of giving will never be enough and if you aren't careful they will drain you dry. There are some people for whom your very existence is enough and no effort on your part is required. And there are those for whom whatever you have to give is sufficient and when you say it's enough for you, it's enough for them too. For giving, I've learned to how to gauge how much is enough. It took running on the ragged edge of exhaustion to learn that I have limits on how much I can give and that I have to respect those limits. I've learned to examine whether or not I've done everything I reasonably can and whether or not I am able to more when more is justifiably called for. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I've found the strength within me to say it's enough when it's warranted.
For me, receiving enough is much more difficult. I'm used to living on a pretty lean diet of receiving and I've lived most of my life believing that I didn't deserve more. I've gotten so used to receiving so little that sometimes, when people want to give me more, I'm not really sure what to do with it and I feel uncomfortable and awkward but I continue to work on this because I've learned in the last year that I am deserving of people's love and care; not because I give so much but because they feel I'm deserving of it and I have to honor that in them and in myself. In doing this I have learned how to recognize when something isn't enough for me and to honor that within myself. I've learned not to judge the situation or person that falls short of enough, and instead walk away understanding that it just isn't enough for me.
I've had to learn that sometimes enough means stopping and walking away. I've had to learn when I've reached the limit of my abilities or my role. As a mother, I've learned that there really isn't a limit on how much you love and care for your child, it's never enough. As a friend I've had to learn when the friendship comes to its natural end, and I've learned that there will be some people who will always be there for you and sometimes that knowledge is enough. And most importantly I've learned that there really can be enough giving, enough caring, enough supporting, enough teaching, and enough loving, and that it's really okay to tell the world to go away for a day or two and give to yourself, because the love we have for ourselves is the most important enough question we have to answer - do I love myself enough to take care of me and what I need today and not anyone else?
For those of us in a profession of service, there will be many times when it seems like our efforts aren't enough. As lovers, as family members, parents, and friends, there will always be a demand for our time and attention and it's easy to feel as if you never give enough. As human beings there will be times when we will be tempted to give beyond what is reasonable, what is called for and what is effective. That's okay, it's important to do those things so we learn the limits of enough for ourselves and for others. And most of all, no matter how much we give or receive we can never lose sight that we are enough, even if other people can't always see that.
At the end of the day, or of the session, or the relationship what we have to be able to do is say that we did all that was reasonable and called for. That we made every true effort to do our best. When we can't say those things, and we will all have those moments, then we have to be able to look honestly within ourselves and figure out why we fell short and do what we can to fix the problem. Hopefully we learn to stop before enough becomes too much. And hopefully we learn that what we have to give and receive is enough somewhere with someone.
The questions that have come up for me in terms of giving enough are, am I learning enough to do the work I have trained for? Am I doing enough to prepare for my future? Have I explained enough, given enough time, enough examples, for people to understand what they have to do? Have I provided everything I reasonably can to my clients and what am I reasonably expected to give in my role as a social worker? Have I shown enough appreciation to my friends and loved ones? Have I given the people I care about enough time, understanding, compassion, and care? All of these questions can be hard to answer if you don't have a reasonable understanding of what is enough for you as well as your own internal signals for having reached the level of enough.
There are some people for whom an infinite amount of giving will never be enough and if you aren't careful they will drain you dry. There are some people for whom your very existence is enough and no effort on your part is required. And there are those for whom whatever you have to give is sufficient and when you say it's enough for you, it's enough for them too. For giving, I've learned to how to gauge how much is enough. It took running on the ragged edge of exhaustion to learn that I have limits on how much I can give and that I have to respect those limits. I've learned to examine whether or not I've done everything I reasonably can and whether or not I am able to more when more is justifiably called for. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I've found the strength within me to say it's enough when it's warranted.
For me, receiving enough is much more difficult. I'm used to living on a pretty lean diet of receiving and I've lived most of my life believing that I didn't deserve more. I've gotten so used to receiving so little that sometimes, when people want to give me more, I'm not really sure what to do with it and I feel uncomfortable and awkward but I continue to work on this because I've learned in the last year that I am deserving of people's love and care; not because I give so much but because they feel I'm deserving of it and I have to honor that in them and in myself. In doing this I have learned how to recognize when something isn't enough for me and to honor that within myself. I've learned not to judge the situation or person that falls short of enough, and instead walk away understanding that it just isn't enough for me.
I've had to learn that sometimes enough means stopping and walking away. I've had to learn when I've reached the limit of my abilities or my role. As a mother, I've learned that there really isn't a limit on how much you love and care for your child, it's never enough. As a friend I've had to learn when the friendship comes to its natural end, and I've learned that there will be some people who will always be there for you and sometimes that knowledge is enough. And most importantly I've learned that there really can be enough giving, enough caring, enough supporting, enough teaching, and enough loving, and that it's really okay to tell the world to go away for a day or two and give to yourself, because the love we have for ourselves is the most important enough question we have to answer - do I love myself enough to take care of me and what I need today and not anyone else?
For those of us in a profession of service, there will be many times when it seems like our efforts aren't enough. As lovers, as family members, parents, and friends, there will always be a demand for our time and attention and it's easy to feel as if you never give enough. As human beings there will be times when we will be tempted to give beyond what is reasonable, what is called for and what is effective. That's okay, it's important to do those things so we learn the limits of enough for ourselves and for others. And most of all, no matter how much we give or receive we can never lose sight that we are enough, even if other people can't always see that.
At the end of the day, or of the session, or the relationship what we have to be able to do is say that we did all that was reasonable and called for. That we made every true effort to do our best. When we can't say those things, and we will all have those moments, then we have to be able to look honestly within ourselves and figure out why we fell short and do what we can to fix the problem. Hopefully we learn to stop before enough becomes too much. And hopefully we learn that what we have to give and receive is enough somewhere with someone.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Acceptance
The last two weeks have been some of the most intense, demanding weeks of my life. I'm in my last quarter of graduate school, I am a graduate research assistant tutoring at least half of my own cohort and members of the other MSW cohorts. I don't even want to add up the number of people I've met with to help them run their statistics, interpret and report their results, and now one of my professors has requested my tutoring assistance for her doctoral program. I'm applying for a job at several counties which will be very demanding of my time and my skills and will bring about significant change in my life in many different ways. I'm working a very difficult case at my internship that takes up most of the 2 1/2 days I am there while writing a court report and helping other interns with their reports. I just had a personal issue come up with my son that required all the social work skills I could muster and will take a good chunk of time and attention to resolve. I have my own thesis to work on and the results aren't coming out the way I anticipated and I'm not sure why.
Needless to say I have a lot going on in my life. Surprisingly, I'm not feeling a lot of stress about it and I'm not feeling overwhelmed. My life is incredibly busy and I don't have a lot of time to myself to relax or blow off steam, but I'm okay. I've spent some time checking in with myself to make sure I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm okay while I'm really ticking away, counting down to explosion and I am truly okay. So I wanted to understand where this peace of mind comes from in all of this chaos.
Some of the things I do are doing little things each day to connect to Spirit and to remind myself of the beauty of life. That certainly helps. I have friends who understand that I don't have a lot of time to spend with them, but they appreciate the time I can give them and they do what they can to help lighten my load, even if it's to go get coffee for me while I work away. I spend time being grateful for their love and support every day. I remind myself that this particular chaos is temporary and I'm always in touch with the fact that I am doing work that I love, both as a social work intern and as a research assistant, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to help in ways that matter to me and to other people.
It's easy to be grateful for the good things, so when difficult issues come up I've found that I've learned to accept them instead of fight against them. When things with clients become emotional or challenging I accept it and understand that it's going to be difficult but that I'm going to get through it. When the issue with my son came up I reminded myself that it wasn't about me and I accepted his emotional outburst and sought to understand instead of react. That was profound for both of us. No matter whether it's good or bad, I accept the situation as it is. I don't push it away, wish it was different, whine, or deny it. I take a deep breath and I say to myself, "Okay, this is what we're dealing with now." and I move forward. If there's something about the situation that can be changed then I do what I need to change it. If the situation can't be changed then I remind myself that it's temporary and I create a plan to move through the challenge effectively and thoroughly and it has made all the difference.
I think that things become more difficult when we fight against them, so accepting the situation is a way to move through it more gracefully and easily, with less resistance. That doesn't mean accepting an untenable situation and staying in it, though. Through accepting a situation as it is, it becomes possible then to see more clearly and with greater understanding. Accepting that something is unacceptable or unlivable allows us to see the choices we have to deal with the situation and if we are mindful and deliberate we can take the steps we need to make things different or better.
Acceptance can be a bit complicated. It requires an absence of judgement of the situation as good or bad and an absence of judgment of the people involved as good or bad. For example, while I might not like something that is going on, that doesn't mean I have to judge it as good or bad; it can just be. I might feel uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions, but that's my reaction to the situation, not the situation itself. My emotional reaction to the situation isn't even me, it's my reaction which is separate from me. So the first step is to get to a place where the situation just is and all of the feelings just are and none if it has to be good or bad it just is. Deciding what to do is the next step in the process, but that will have to be for later.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Loving Myself Radically
This year has been an interesting year. Normally every year at the Winter Solstice I go down to my friend Beth's church and participate in the Winter Solstice ritual. Since my years in Wicca, the Winter Solstice has represented a time in my life to let go of old things that no longer serve me. It is about renewal and preparing the way for new growth to happen in the coming year. Each year we draw a word that represents the coming year.This year, for a number of different reasons, I didn't attend the gathering and I don't have a word. But I'm okay with that.
The coming year is going to bring about a lot of change in my life. I will be graduating with my master's degree in social work, I will begin a new job and a new career and my income will change dramatically which will greatly improve my financial state. This will more than likely lead to a new place to live and a new-to-me car. Some of the things I have dreamed about doing I will be able to do on a regular basis and I will be able to save money to make other dreams, like traveling, become a reality. I will be presented with many challenges and many blessings in the coming year and I imagine through all of that I will change tremendously.
For the past several weeks I have been feeling a longing in my heart to reach out to life and to live it. Over the past several months I have come to understand that I am a human being with a lot to offer personally and professionally. In coming to understand this, the value I've placed on my self-worth has increased a great deal. I have begun to see myself as being deserving of good things, good relationships, a space of my own, a life that has meaning and purpose as well as enjoyment. In the past, even though I have wanted these things, I haven't really felt deserving of them, and that change has shifted things for me radically.
In this new life I have to figure out what it is that matters to me. What will do more than just get me through every day? What will allow me time to love myself and care for myself so that I remain happy and fulfilled? How do I want to live my life so that I rejoice in it and live it fully? What do I want in an intimate relationship with someone? What do I want to give and what do I want to get? And the truth is I'm not sure about the answer to these questions yet. I want more, but in trying to put words to what that more includes, there aren't words yet.
This Christmas I've given myself the best gift I can possibly give. I am giving myself a year of dating me. Even as I write it, I can't help but think about how hokey that sounds, but for me this is a year of loving myself radically, more than anyone else. It is about giving myself time and experiences that are meaningful to me. Loving myself enough to bring into my life the experiences, time, and love that I feel I deserve, instead of pouring it outside of myself and hoping that will bring me what I want. I have a tremendous amount of love to give and I've never been on the receiving end of that love in any real, conscious way, so it's time.
I've already started a list of things I'd like to do with just me. There are movies I'd like to see that no one else wants to see, concerts, talks, dinners, weekend trips, and day trips to do. There's also time to spend whole days reading or watching movies, cooking, and spending time with good close friends. My friend JT, who is also dating himself , and I have decided to go on a double-single date, where we go on a date with ourselves, together. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but it is nice to share positive experiences with other people and to support other people in loving themselves. There will be no dating of other people during this year because I want this time to be sacrosanct. I don't want any distractions from this time I'm giving to myself and any romantic involvement would totally do that for me.
So, for the next year I am the love of my life, and I will celebrate myself and love myself in a way I have never been loved before! I will enjoy the caring of people who want to contribute lovingly to my life, who also deserve to be loved and cared for in that same way. I will be mindful, reflective, gentle and accepting of whatever comes up for me in the coming year and will maintain a consistent dose of, "I love you!" I hope to find out who I am and who I can become when I love myself enough to put myself first. It's not an easy thing for me to do; it's not how I was taught to think or live, but I feel this is the most important thing we can give ourselves: life with our self.
I'm excited about this new chapter in my life. I'm excited about being at the point in my development where I can recognize that I deserve to be loved deeply and enthusiastically and that I'm the best person I know to do that right now! I'm excited to spend time with myself and do things that bring me enjoyment and happiness. Above all, I'm grateful, that there are people who talk about the importance of doing this, which led me here. I'm grateful for all of the supportive friends who have loved me enough to tell me to do this for a really long time; who have wanted my happiness and believed I deserved it long before I did. They have all led the way. I may come up with a word for this year in retrospect, but for now this year's word is: me.
The coming year is going to bring about a lot of change in my life. I will be graduating with my master's degree in social work, I will begin a new job and a new career and my income will change dramatically which will greatly improve my financial state. This will more than likely lead to a new place to live and a new-to-me car. Some of the things I have dreamed about doing I will be able to do on a regular basis and I will be able to save money to make other dreams, like traveling, become a reality. I will be presented with many challenges and many blessings in the coming year and I imagine through all of that I will change tremendously.
For the past several weeks I have been feeling a longing in my heart to reach out to life and to live it. Over the past several months I have come to understand that I am a human being with a lot to offer personally and professionally. In coming to understand this, the value I've placed on my self-worth has increased a great deal. I have begun to see myself as being deserving of good things, good relationships, a space of my own, a life that has meaning and purpose as well as enjoyment. In the past, even though I have wanted these things, I haven't really felt deserving of them, and that change has shifted things for me radically.
In this new life I have to figure out what it is that matters to me. What will do more than just get me through every day? What will allow me time to love myself and care for myself so that I remain happy and fulfilled? How do I want to live my life so that I rejoice in it and live it fully? What do I want in an intimate relationship with someone? What do I want to give and what do I want to get? And the truth is I'm not sure about the answer to these questions yet. I want more, but in trying to put words to what that more includes, there aren't words yet.
This Christmas I've given myself the best gift I can possibly give. I am giving myself a year of dating me. Even as I write it, I can't help but think about how hokey that sounds, but for me this is a year of loving myself radically, more than anyone else. It is about giving myself time and experiences that are meaningful to me. Loving myself enough to bring into my life the experiences, time, and love that I feel I deserve, instead of pouring it outside of myself and hoping that will bring me what I want. I have a tremendous amount of love to give and I've never been on the receiving end of that love in any real, conscious way, so it's time.
I've already started a list of things I'd like to do with just me. There are movies I'd like to see that no one else wants to see, concerts, talks, dinners, weekend trips, and day trips to do. There's also time to spend whole days reading or watching movies, cooking, and spending time with good close friends. My friend JT, who is also dating himself , and I have decided to go on a double-single date, where we go on a date with ourselves, together. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but it is nice to share positive experiences with other people and to support other people in loving themselves. There will be no dating of other people during this year because I want this time to be sacrosanct. I don't want any distractions from this time I'm giving to myself and any romantic involvement would totally do that for me.
So, for the next year I am the love of my life, and I will celebrate myself and love myself in a way I have never been loved before! I will enjoy the caring of people who want to contribute lovingly to my life, who also deserve to be loved and cared for in that same way. I will be mindful, reflective, gentle and accepting of whatever comes up for me in the coming year and will maintain a consistent dose of, "I love you!" I hope to find out who I am and who I can become when I love myself enough to put myself first. It's not an easy thing for me to do; it's not how I was taught to think or live, but I feel this is the most important thing we can give ourselves: life with our self.
I'm excited about this new chapter in my life. I'm excited about being at the point in my development where I can recognize that I deserve to be loved deeply and enthusiastically and that I'm the best person I know to do that right now! I'm excited to spend time with myself and do things that bring me enjoyment and happiness. Above all, I'm grateful, that there are people who talk about the importance of doing this, which led me here. I'm grateful for all of the supportive friends who have loved me enough to tell me to do this for a really long time; who have wanted my happiness and believed I deserved it long before I did. They have all led the way. I may come up with a word for this year in retrospect, but for now this year's word is: me.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Honoring Meaning
I've spent most of today sitting in front of my computer editing master's theses for my fellow cohort members. Right now, I'm working on a particularly difficult paper and I've been listening to Pandora's Classical for Studying channel. Most of the songs that have been playing are songs that I played over the years I studied classical piano. I thought to myself, why didn't I pursue music? It's so much easier than writing research papers. Then I remembered, it was for the same reason I didn't pursue Quantitative Psychology, I didn't want to be stuck in a room alone for several hours every day. I wanted to help people.
The calling to a helping profession is a difficult one for people to understand if they don't feel that particular pull. I've been asked by several family members why I want to become a social worker, how can I do the work I am training to do? I'm always puzzled by that question because my answer seems obvious, how can I not? To work in a helping profession requires people to lack the ability to see someone in pain, crisis, living in poverty or oppression and turn away. It's a very specific calling and it's not for everyone.
In my macro social work class there's been a lot of discussion around people doing what they feel they were meant to do. I don't know if I'm doing what I'm meant to do. I don't know that there's anything I'm meant to do. If you go by talents, there are a lot of things I could have done and I would have been very good at them, but none of them would have given me the sense of meaning that I feel I need to be fulfilled in my life.
My plan, before I entered graduate school and even into the middle of first year, was to become a child welfare social worker and see what sorts of opportunities arose. Now, at the beginning of my second year, my plan is to spend a few years in child welfare, get my clinical license, enter a Ph.D. program and become a professor/researcher and have a part-time clinical practice. It was a difficult decision to come to because being a professor seems a bit removed from being on the front lines helping families in crisis, but it turns out I have particular talents in the areas of research and teaching and apparently the combination is rare. Not only that, there is a serious need for social work professors who actually have a background and field experience in social work. After many conversations with friends and faculty I came to the decision that helping to train the next generation of social workers, as well as contributing to the field of social work as a researcher, is helping people and the need is great.
I've often felt some level of irritation at my need to find meaning in the work I do, to have it mean something. Both my family and I have railed at my inability to get a good job and just stick with it. My mother has often asked me why I feel like I have to be Joan of Arc and save the world. I'm not trying to save the world, I'm just trying to have meaning in my life and in what I spend a large amount of time doing every day because the calling for that in me is great. I know there are other people like me, I see many of them in my classes during the week. I see them working ungodly amounts of hours investigating calls of child abuse and neglect. I see them struggle not to lose hope in the face of what seem impossible challenges and continue on, helping and hoping.
It's important to honor the call of meaning inside of us. If we don't honor that call it doesn't become silent, it pursues us every day, coloring our lives and demanding to be heard. It requires one to become still and silent so they can hear the meaning of that call. It requires one to be very honest with oneself, to understand where meaning lies, to honor that and then follow it because the call for meaning can only be heard on the inside of a person, but to find meaning requires one to move in the world and to connect with others.
One year, for my mother's birthday I gave my mom Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" because she was searching for meaning in her life and she didn't know how to find it. One passage that stood out to me is the following, "By declaring that man is responsible and must actualize the potential meaning of his life, I wish to stress that the true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system. I have termed this constitutive characteristic "the self-transcendence of human existence." It denotes the fact that being human always points, and is directed, to something or someone, other than oneself--be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself--by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love--the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”
What I got from this passage is that in order to find meaning we have to get out of our own way because it's not about us. Finding meaning is about transcending ourselves and putting ourselves out into the world to help or connect in whatever way best suits what comes before us. It's not about how can we fill the need inside of us, it's about how we can fill the need in front of us. In doing this we serve humanity, the world, even ourselves. In remembering this I remember to get out of my own way, get out of my own ego and to face the need or the person in front of me with whatever it is needed to make the situation better. We can all make a situation better, someone feel better, put more kindness in the world, touch a life and heal a soul. In honoring meaning within ourselves we honor it for everyone.
I'm not going to fight the plan to become a professor anymore. There are many needs to be faced along the way, my classmates' needs regarding their theses, my future client's needs, and eventually the field of social work's needs. It's possible that new needs will arise and plans will seemingly change; but the truth is they won't change at all because my ultimate plan, the foundational plan that underlies everything I do is to face the need in front of me and offer whatever I can to make the situation better.
The calling to a helping profession is a difficult one for people to understand if they don't feel that particular pull. I've been asked by several family members why I want to become a social worker, how can I do the work I am training to do? I'm always puzzled by that question because my answer seems obvious, how can I not? To work in a helping profession requires people to lack the ability to see someone in pain, crisis, living in poverty or oppression and turn away. It's a very specific calling and it's not for everyone.
In my macro social work class there's been a lot of discussion around people doing what they feel they were meant to do. I don't know if I'm doing what I'm meant to do. I don't know that there's anything I'm meant to do. If you go by talents, there are a lot of things I could have done and I would have been very good at them, but none of them would have given me the sense of meaning that I feel I need to be fulfilled in my life.
My plan, before I entered graduate school and even into the middle of first year, was to become a child welfare social worker and see what sorts of opportunities arose. Now, at the beginning of my second year, my plan is to spend a few years in child welfare, get my clinical license, enter a Ph.D. program and become a professor/researcher and have a part-time clinical practice. It was a difficult decision to come to because being a professor seems a bit removed from being on the front lines helping families in crisis, but it turns out I have particular talents in the areas of research and teaching and apparently the combination is rare. Not only that, there is a serious need for social work professors who actually have a background and field experience in social work. After many conversations with friends and faculty I came to the decision that helping to train the next generation of social workers, as well as contributing to the field of social work as a researcher, is helping people and the need is great.
I've often felt some level of irritation at my need to find meaning in the work I do, to have it mean something. Both my family and I have railed at my inability to get a good job and just stick with it. My mother has often asked me why I feel like I have to be Joan of Arc and save the world. I'm not trying to save the world, I'm just trying to have meaning in my life and in what I spend a large amount of time doing every day because the calling for that in me is great. I know there are other people like me, I see many of them in my classes during the week. I see them working ungodly amounts of hours investigating calls of child abuse and neglect. I see them struggle not to lose hope in the face of what seem impossible challenges and continue on, helping and hoping.
It's important to honor the call of meaning inside of us. If we don't honor that call it doesn't become silent, it pursues us every day, coloring our lives and demanding to be heard. It requires one to become still and silent so they can hear the meaning of that call. It requires one to be very honest with oneself, to understand where meaning lies, to honor that and then follow it because the call for meaning can only be heard on the inside of a person, but to find meaning requires one to move in the world and to connect with others.
One year, for my mother's birthday I gave my mom Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" because she was searching for meaning in her life and she didn't know how to find it. One passage that stood out to me is the following, "By declaring that man is responsible and must actualize the potential meaning of his life, I wish to stress that the true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system. I have termed this constitutive characteristic "the self-transcendence of human existence." It denotes the fact that being human always points, and is directed, to something or someone, other than oneself--be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself--by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love--the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”
What I got from this passage is that in order to find meaning we have to get out of our own way because it's not about us. Finding meaning is about transcending ourselves and putting ourselves out into the world to help or connect in whatever way best suits what comes before us. It's not about how can we fill the need inside of us, it's about how we can fill the need in front of us. In doing this we serve humanity, the world, even ourselves. In remembering this I remember to get out of my own way, get out of my own ego and to face the need or the person in front of me with whatever it is needed to make the situation better. We can all make a situation better, someone feel better, put more kindness in the world, touch a life and heal a soul. In honoring meaning within ourselves we honor it for everyone.
I'm not going to fight the plan to become a professor anymore. There are many needs to be faced along the way, my classmates' needs regarding their theses, my future client's needs, and eventually the field of social work's needs. It's possible that new needs will arise and plans will seemingly change; but the truth is they won't change at all because my ultimate plan, the foundational plan that underlies everything I do is to face the need in front of me and offer whatever I can to make the situation better.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
What Makes a Person Good?
The other day a cohort member of mine asked me what I did this summer. I told her I had been volunteering at my previous internship helping them with basic administrative stuff. I mentioned that the summer had been busier than I'd anticipated but that was okay because I like keeping busy. She turned to look at me and said, "Well, you're a saint. I guess that means you have to keep being a saint." I wasn't sure how to take that comment.
I'm never very happy when someone calls me a saint or says that I'm a good person. I don't feel like I'm a saint because in my mind saints are people who do amazing things that few people have the capacity or courage to do. Helping out a non-profit agency with a little filing two days a week isn't something that takes tremendous capacity or courage. It's simple. Almost anyone could do it.
Research has said that altruism doesn't really exist. No one does anything without some form of selfishness involved. At the most basic level, people tend to assume that people do nice things because it makes them feel good. I started doing a personal inventory about the things I do to help people and why I do them. I also started thinking about what makes a good person from my point of view.
The truth is, when I help someone it's usually because whatever they're asking for isn't asking a lot of me. It's easy to give a few days to a struggling non-profit when I don't have anything else on my schedule. It's easy to sit down with someone and help them hammer out their research question so they can get started on their thesis. Usually, in helping people, what I give is much smaller than what they seem to receive. In fact, it seems so small that I don't really think much about it. I mean really, is it that hard to give someone 20 minutes of your time to help them with something that seems incredibly difficult, or that they can't do because they're too busy with other work? I'm not really doing that much here.
The question about what makes a good person in my point of view was interesting for me to answer. Lots of people do good things and often we hear something about that person, if they're media relevant, that makes us think that maybe they weren't such good people after all. So it's not the doing that necessarily makes someone a good person. Doing something good or helpful is easy and, really, anyone could do it. So I don't feel that helping someone with something is necessarily what qualifies someone as being good. What I really think qualifies someone as being good is a combination between what they do and what they don't do.
Good people do helpful things for people, but generally that's because they don't think of themselves as too important to do certain tasks or too important to give someone else their time.
Good people say nice things to people, but they also don't say hurtful things when they have the opportunity and they value other people's feelings enough to treat them kindly and without judgment.
Good people aren't pathologically selfish; they're selfish in a healthy way so that they are taken care of and able to do what is meaningful or natural to them.
Good people live in accordance with their deepest values, they don't allow other people to set or determine their goals and values, so they move through the world with a high level of integrity and contentment giving them the energy to give something to others.
Good people don't live as victims crying out at an unjust world, they take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and they accept them with grace and dignity.
Good people do their interpersonal work, enough to have some understanding that we are all connected and we need to support each other and they do not blame their hurt and pain on others.
Good people acknowledge that they have received help or instruction many times in their lives without which they wouldn't be the people they are today and, therefore, they are motivated to give back because they don't hoard knowledge or help like it's going to disappear tomorrow and they understand the value of passing on information.
Good people are honest, most ruthlessly with themselves and more gently with others. They don't feel there is benefit in avoiding a truth, they just know how to say it or view it kindly.
So that's my list of what makes up a good person. If you do more than that then you're probably a hero or a saint. I don't know what makes a saint, but I do know what makes up a good person and I feel that I qualify for that. The one thing that has run through my mind since that conversation is that in the eyes of God, every saint is a sinner too.
I'm never very happy when someone calls me a saint or says that I'm a good person. I don't feel like I'm a saint because in my mind saints are people who do amazing things that few people have the capacity or courage to do. Helping out a non-profit agency with a little filing two days a week isn't something that takes tremendous capacity or courage. It's simple. Almost anyone could do it.
Research has said that altruism doesn't really exist. No one does anything without some form of selfishness involved. At the most basic level, people tend to assume that people do nice things because it makes them feel good. I started doing a personal inventory about the things I do to help people and why I do them. I also started thinking about what makes a good person from my point of view.
The truth is, when I help someone it's usually because whatever they're asking for isn't asking a lot of me. It's easy to give a few days to a struggling non-profit when I don't have anything else on my schedule. It's easy to sit down with someone and help them hammer out their research question so they can get started on their thesis. Usually, in helping people, what I give is much smaller than what they seem to receive. In fact, it seems so small that I don't really think much about it. I mean really, is it that hard to give someone 20 minutes of your time to help them with something that seems incredibly difficult, or that they can't do because they're too busy with other work? I'm not really doing that much here.
The question about what makes a good person in my point of view was interesting for me to answer. Lots of people do good things and often we hear something about that person, if they're media relevant, that makes us think that maybe they weren't such good people after all. So it's not the doing that necessarily makes someone a good person. Doing something good or helpful is easy and, really, anyone could do it. So I don't feel that helping someone with something is necessarily what qualifies someone as being good. What I really think qualifies someone as being good is a combination between what they do and what they don't do.
Good people do helpful things for people, but generally that's because they don't think of themselves as too important to do certain tasks or too important to give someone else their time.
Good people say nice things to people, but they also don't say hurtful things when they have the opportunity and they value other people's feelings enough to treat them kindly and without judgment.
Good people aren't pathologically selfish; they're selfish in a healthy way so that they are taken care of and able to do what is meaningful or natural to them.
Good people live in accordance with their deepest values, they don't allow other people to set or determine their goals and values, so they move through the world with a high level of integrity and contentment giving them the energy to give something to others.
Good people don't live as victims crying out at an unjust world, they take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and they accept them with grace and dignity.
Good people do their interpersonal work, enough to have some understanding that we are all connected and we need to support each other and they do not blame their hurt and pain on others.
Good people acknowledge that they have received help or instruction many times in their lives without which they wouldn't be the people they are today and, therefore, they are motivated to give back because they don't hoard knowledge or help like it's going to disappear tomorrow and they understand the value of passing on information.
Good people are honest, most ruthlessly with themselves and more gently with others. They don't feel there is benefit in avoiding a truth, they just know how to say it or view it kindly.
So that's my list of what makes up a good person. If you do more than that then you're probably a hero or a saint. I don't know what makes a saint, but I do know what makes up a good person and I feel that I qualify for that. The one thing that has run through my mind since that conversation is that in the eyes of God, every saint is a sinner too.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Transforming Demons
Today is a very good day. Today I completed my goal for working out this week. This is a big deal for me because although I've completed weekly goals for working out in the past, it's been a while since I've done that and this week's goal was more intense than past weeks' goals have been. I have a hard time working out because in order to get to and get through my workout not only do I have to exert my body, I also have to be actively working with my mind and emotions to battle the demons that come out to play each time I work out.
For most of my adult life I've carried a lot of shame both around my weight and the difficulty I have with moving my body. The difficulty in movement doesn't come entirely from my weight, but just a general discomfort and lack of ease with which the commands that come from my brain translate into my body. I come from a very athletic family, but it's never been easy for me to move like they did and no one taught me how to be comfortable in my body. On top of that, many members of my family often teased me whenever I did something physical, which translated into self-talk that can be incredibly negative.
As an adult, I am responsible for the perceptions and beliefs I have about myself and my body, and although I can look back at my history and the people who have contributed to the negative voices in my head, I can't use that as an excuse for not doing what I know is in my best interest. So every day, amid an internal symphony of whining, complaining, predictions of failure, negative self-talk about myself, and fear, I gather up all of those voices in my head and I give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be all right. They can say what they need to say but I'm going to do the workout anyway and afterwards I am going to feel better. I'm going to feel happier, more fulfilled, proud, and accomplished because I did what I knew was going to be hard to do in the first place and I did it with all my heart and all of my effort behind it.
Until recently, no one has ever really supported me in my efforts for physical fitness. Sure, people thought it would be good, but they would follow that observation with the a statement to the effect that didn't really believe I would or could do it. Sometimes they would outright laugh when I would tell them that I was planning a new workout regime. I would leave those conversations disheartened, choosing to believe that maybe they were right, I couldn't do it and I would set up a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Recently, that's changed for me. I had a profound moment, sitting in a doctor's office waiting for a physical required by my internship. As I was filling out the paperwork, completely without prompting a vision of myself as I would look if I were physically fit filled my mind. I could see it and the thought that came up for me without any prompting or efforts was, "I can do that. I can become that." and I felt it through my entire body. It was a certainty, a reality, and one I'd never had before. I have never been able to see myself as a physically fit person. I didn't believe it was possible. But finally, everything I've been reading, everything that people I respect have been saying finally came together in my head and I had faith that I could do it.
Steven Barnes has a formula for successful change that I think is pertinent here. The formula is simple, it's GOAL X FAITH X ACTION X GRATITUDE = RESULTS. This is an important formula for change because if any one of these components is missing or equals zero, the whole formula equals zero. Finally, I had all of the components in place, I had been lacking faith. I knew this change wasn't going to be easy. I've been down the workout road before and I knew exactly the demons I was going to be facing, so I had to have a plan and I had to have my head on straight to deal with my obstacles effectively. I had to become a demon slayer.
It sounds more violent than it is, demon slaying. I think it's common to imagine someone with a sword or an ax, facing down a giant demon breathing sulfurous steam out of its nostrils with fire in its eyes, and it can feel that way. It can feel like the demon is 10-feet-tall and you are about one-foot-tall and you're about to be crushed but that's not true; it's an illusion. The key to demon slaying isn't about swords or axes, it's about love. Love is the only weapon that transforms our inner demons. I have to love, accept, and understand those parts of myself so that I can transform them from the belittled and hurt little children that they've remained inside of me to loved and accepted parts of myself that make up my whole. That's all those demons are, hurt little children who didn't have someone who believed in them, including myself, who left them hurt and unhealed for all of these years. But no more.
So every morning, I greet my host of doomsayers with love and acceptance. I listen to what they are saying, but I don't believe it because I know I am more than my demons and I hold more love for myself than anyone else on the planet, and I will love and accept them with everything I have, and you know what? Their voices are getting quieter. Their resistance is become weaker. And every day I am becoming stronger. I can see it.
I'm always a little surprised, still, by the negative reactions I get from people when I tell them I'm making changes in my life. My roommates think I am crazy for getting up and hour earlier each day to work out. They think I am a tree-hugging hippy for giving up dairy and reducing my sugar and wheat intake. Some of the people I know have looked at me like I've gone insane and snorted with derision over my decisions and all it does is make me laugh because I know they have their own demons and for now they don't understand. I am bigger than the criticism, I am bigger than the derision. I know the people who truly love and support me are there for me and all I hear from them are words of encouragement and I know that is the symphony I need to be listening to; it's the only music that matters.
So when I work out I listen to the last movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony because it is the most triumphant music I know. I listen to it because every day when I wake up and work out I am triumphant. Every day I choose to eat healthy organic food I am triumphant and I know it. I face my inner demons with love and patience, I love them throughout the whole process, and when I am done with my workout I am grateful that I have the courage to face them, that I have the courage to love them, and that I have the courage to transform them. I'm not a demon slayer, I am a demon transformer. Hear me roar!
For most of my adult life I've carried a lot of shame both around my weight and the difficulty I have with moving my body. The difficulty in movement doesn't come entirely from my weight, but just a general discomfort and lack of ease with which the commands that come from my brain translate into my body. I come from a very athletic family, but it's never been easy for me to move like they did and no one taught me how to be comfortable in my body. On top of that, many members of my family often teased me whenever I did something physical, which translated into self-talk that can be incredibly negative.
As an adult, I am responsible for the perceptions and beliefs I have about myself and my body, and although I can look back at my history and the people who have contributed to the negative voices in my head, I can't use that as an excuse for not doing what I know is in my best interest. So every day, amid an internal symphony of whining, complaining, predictions of failure, negative self-talk about myself, and fear, I gather up all of those voices in my head and I give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be all right. They can say what they need to say but I'm going to do the workout anyway and afterwards I am going to feel better. I'm going to feel happier, more fulfilled, proud, and accomplished because I did what I knew was going to be hard to do in the first place and I did it with all my heart and all of my effort behind it.
Until recently, no one has ever really supported me in my efforts for physical fitness. Sure, people thought it would be good, but they would follow that observation with the a statement to the effect that didn't really believe I would or could do it. Sometimes they would outright laugh when I would tell them that I was planning a new workout regime. I would leave those conversations disheartened, choosing to believe that maybe they were right, I couldn't do it and I would set up a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Recently, that's changed for me. I had a profound moment, sitting in a doctor's office waiting for a physical required by my internship. As I was filling out the paperwork, completely without prompting a vision of myself as I would look if I were physically fit filled my mind. I could see it and the thought that came up for me without any prompting or efforts was, "I can do that. I can become that." and I felt it through my entire body. It was a certainty, a reality, and one I'd never had before. I have never been able to see myself as a physically fit person. I didn't believe it was possible. But finally, everything I've been reading, everything that people I respect have been saying finally came together in my head and I had faith that I could do it.
Steven Barnes has a formula for successful change that I think is pertinent here. The formula is simple, it's GOAL X FAITH X ACTION X GRATITUDE = RESULTS. This is an important formula for change because if any one of these components is missing or equals zero, the whole formula equals zero. Finally, I had all of the components in place, I had been lacking faith. I knew this change wasn't going to be easy. I've been down the workout road before and I knew exactly the demons I was going to be facing, so I had to have a plan and I had to have my head on straight to deal with my obstacles effectively. I had to become a demon slayer.
It sounds more violent than it is, demon slaying. I think it's common to imagine someone with a sword or an ax, facing down a giant demon breathing sulfurous steam out of its nostrils with fire in its eyes, and it can feel that way. It can feel like the demon is 10-feet-tall and you are about one-foot-tall and you're about to be crushed but that's not true; it's an illusion. The key to demon slaying isn't about swords or axes, it's about love. Love is the only weapon that transforms our inner demons. I have to love, accept, and understand those parts of myself so that I can transform them from the belittled and hurt little children that they've remained inside of me to loved and accepted parts of myself that make up my whole. That's all those demons are, hurt little children who didn't have someone who believed in them, including myself, who left them hurt and unhealed for all of these years. But no more.
So every morning, I greet my host of doomsayers with love and acceptance. I listen to what they are saying, but I don't believe it because I know I am more than my demons and I hold more love for myself than anyone else on the planet, and I will love and accept them with everything I have, and you know what? Their voices are getting quieter. Their resistance is become weaker. And every day I am becoming stronger. I can see it.
I'm always a little surprised, still, by the negative reactions I get from people when I tell them I'm making changes in my life. My roommates think I am crazy for getting up and hour earlier each day to work out. They think I am a tree-hugging hippy for giving up dairy and reducing my sugar and wheat intake. Some of the people I know have looked at me like I've gone insane and snorted with derision over my decisions and all it does is make me laugh because I know they have their own demons and for now they don't understand. I am bigger than the criticism, I am bigger than the derision. I know the people who truly love and support me are there for me and all I hear from them are words of encouragement and I know that is the symphony I need to be listening to; it's the only music that matters.
So when I work out I listen to the last movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony because it is the most triumphant music I know. I listen to it because every day when I wake up and work out I am triumphant. Every day I choose to eat healthy organic food I am triumphant and I know it. I face my inner demons with love and patience, I love them throughout the whole process, and when I am done with my workout I am grateful that I have the courage to face them, that I have the courage to love them, and that I have the courage to transform them. I'm not a demon slayer, I am a demon transformer. Hear me roar!
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