That Which Shapes Us

Someone once asked me if I were to write down the story of my life to date what kind of story would it be?  I answered her honestly not liking the answer, but knowing it to be true nonetheless, my story would be a sad one.  Today is a sad day for me.  I have family stuff happening which is taking an emotional toll and I have spent quite a bit of time this week thinking about various sad times in my life and today the emotions hit.  I'm down today, full of sorrow for all that is happening and has happened.  The more time that passes the more I am able to back up and really see the picture of the life that was mine and I don't like what I see.

Everyone experiences sorrow in their life for one reason or another.  We all have situations in our lives that have tried and tested us and sometimes we're so busy surviving those situations we don't have enough time or attention to acknowledge that we are impacted by what is happening to us.  Our experiences shape us in the moment and the people we emerge as may not be the same as the people we started as.  But once those situations are over it is up to us to decide who we will be from that moment forward and how we will allow those situations will shape us.

I don't have to solely be the product of abusive and hurtful relationships, I don't have to be a girl who feels unwanted, rejected and unloved.  I don't have to be just the daughter of an alcoholic.  I am or have been all of those things at one time but they aren't the sole determiners of who I am.  I don't have to turn a blind eye to the hurt I have experienced trying to pretend that it didn't make an impact and failing miserably in the attempt or blame everyone else for all the bad things that have happened in my life.  Doing that creates vulnerabilities and weak spots that keep me in an unhealthy place of emotional pain.  I am no longer the hand steering the ship, I become controlled by the tides of unacknowledged emotions, subject to aimlessly wander without compass or guiding star, repeating the same mistakes over and over again and cursing the cruelty of life.  I don't want to be that woman. I don't want the present or future story of my life to sound like that.

So while I embrace the pain that has come up today, I am mindful of how I will allow it to shape me.  Instead of creating flawed, weak places I choose to become stronger and sharper.  I can acknowledge the pain, the abuse, my mistakes and my choices with courage and grace.  I can embrace the part of me that wants to lay my head down and cry with abandon and carefully hold my heart while I do so.  I can be compassionate for the part of me that burns with shame over the things I have done that have caused pain and injury to myself and others.  I can carefully cradle the little girl who wants to be loved despite the fact that I am not what my family would like me to be and despite all of the things I have done and promise her she will never be rejected or neglected by me again.  I can give myself the space to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, I can incorporate the lessons these experiences have provided and, above all, I can forgive myself.  In doing all of these things I will walk away a stronger and better person, forged instead of warped and able to move forward.

It seems that I come to this place over and over again in my process of healing, but as I continue to grow and learn I see the story from a new perspective and all the feelings arise again.  I need to honor those feelings and I need to accept the story.  That which shapes us has only as much creative control as we allow.  Do I want to be shaped by my experiences or do I want to shape myself?  Do I want to say that my life has been sad so that's the story I'll accept and why try for anything better or do I want to learn from the sadness of the past, accept responsibility for the part that is mine and move into a brighter future?  The choice is mine.  I am the creator of my future, the shape of my life is sculpted by me.  I choose the form it will take and if I have anything to say about it, it will be a happier story than my past.  The story of my life to date has been a sad story full of pain and sorrow.  The story of my future life will be as bright as I can possibly make it.  I am that which shapes me.