I'm sitting on my balcony enjoying the anonymity of darkness. It is warm and there is no breeze. The crescent moon, fat, even with her hidden visage, has long since set. The silence of the night is interrupted by the hum of air conditioners and the chirping of crickets. Ah, summer in Southern California. I am reminded as I sit here that this is the best summer I have ever had.
The past year has not been easy. Next month it will be a year ago that I began a long, often painful journey and still I am walking it. Certainly things are not perfect. I'm still unemployed, which I hope to remedy soon, and that creates a shortage in my finances, and there are relationships in my life which are difficult. On the other hand, I have enough money for everything I need and there are relationships in my life which are rich and wonderful. My life is peaceful, though hectic, for the first time ever.
I've had a lot of conversations about what is important in life and how people come about finding fulfillment in the day-to-day. I've always believed that it's important to do work that makes you happy over work that makes you lots of money. Having space to be yourself, have your beliefs, live in the spiritual fashion that matches your truth, a significant relationship that is loving, respectful, meaningful and supportive of each person's growth and individuality, and of course, personal health are all incredibly important to having a happy life. All of these things take work, a lot of work, at a deeply personal level.
No one wants pain in their life, no one wants to feel hurt and sorrow, but all of these things come into our lives; they are the only real guarantee besides change. People, for the most part, would rather hold on to the hurt they know than face the hurt that will bring about change and growth. I used to be that way so I understand that and say it without judgment, but I think it's a mistake. Experiencing hurt because of personal work and growth can only help if we have the courage to face it honestly, with grace and openness, and the support of people who care about us. Experiencing hurt needlessly because our life isn't fulfilling doesn't bring us anything except pain.
I've often said that I'm willing to experience pain for a purpose, but not needlessly. That's somewhat new for me because I've experienced a lot of needless pain and I was the reason I was experiencing it. We don't have to stay in painful situations, whether they are due to physical maladies, bad relationships or a job that sucks our very souls. What we do need to do, however, is then be willing to face the pain that will bring about necessary change in our lives and that's never easy.
I'm lucky, I have a huge amount of supportive friends and loved ones who are willing and able to support me. They are my created family and I'm always somewhat stunned by their love and support whenever I see it in action. These are friends I've had for years, but never had access to because of the relationship I was in. It would be easy to be bitter about that, but in doing without them for so long I have a deep appreciation for their presence in my lives now.
I could be bitter about losing a job that had meaning for me, but the truth is that job was killing me and wasn't fulfilling in the way I wanted it to be. Losing my job was a good thing, overall, and now I have room to consider, make plans and find a job that will allow me to be home with my son until he is grown. Then I will create a career that fills my soul. The job I had kept me running so hard and fast I was never home and both my son and I suffered for it.
I could be bitter that someone I was with for 8 years, whom I trusted, would be abusive and hurtful, would walk out on me without warning or consideration, steal a lot of money from me and put me in a very bad position. But losing that relationship was a good thing, it was killing me and it was abusive. I am grateful that he is gone from my life and there is room for something much deeper, much more loving, much greater than anything I could have imagined. And now there is peace.
This gratitude has taken work, it hasn't come easily and realizing a lot of the things I came to understand was often accompanied by great pain. Spirit is kind, though. If we are willing to do the work we can reach a point, temporary though it is, of peace and love. In this moment I exist in a state of grace, loved by so many including myself, but Spirit as well. Life is hard, but there is great beauty to be had in it. Moments of grace, times when we are captured by sublime beauty, moments of laughter with people we love, gentle embraces, and deep loving emotion, are more common than we often realize. Our pain can bring us appreciation for those moments of grace and more grace comes with greater growth and understanding.
Someone said that when we feel pain, it is the pain leaving our bodies. We hold on so tight to it, fighting to keep it even when we know it is damaging us. Somehow we feel we'll be damaged more if we let it out and look at it, but we must. It means we have to understand the nature of the pain, what is causing it, its effect on ourselves and why we are allowing it to continue. Not many people are willing to admit that we are often responsible for its presence in our lives, mostly because we tolerate it, but we are responsible.
This moment is not a painful moment for me, it is a joyful one and because I have been willing to face my pain I have more joy in my life now than I have ever had. Peace, love, happiness are the rewards we get when we are willing to do the work in our lives that we must. We can all exist in a state of grace, in fact, we already do we just don't realize it. I know that more pain will come, it's inevitable, but for now I am enjoying the peace and happiness that is mine. It is here for us all.
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