The Dark, Crazy, Strange and Unwanted

"The darker, crazier, stranger, and unwanted aspects of us ask not for annihilation or rehabilitation, nor for ostracization or colonization, nor for romanticizing or facile acceptance, but for sufficient space to breathe and stretch and be seen and heard. If we deny them their own authentic voice in the community of “I’s” that make us up, we only impoverish ourselves, leaving ourselves partial, fragmented, segregated, busy supporting an apartheid of psyche." - Robert Augustus Masters

 A friend of mine posted the above quote to my wall on Facebook.  I've spent the last couple of days thinking about that quote and decided to spend those days in relative silence, speaking when only absolutely necessary which has been fairly easy since I've spent the last couple of days alone.  I realized how little I've been listening to my inner voices lately and I wanted to hear what they had to say.

Of course I didn't really want to hear what they had to say.  I mean, sure, part of me wanted to hear what they had to say, knew it was important, knew I needed to listen, listened some but nowhere near the level to which I should have been listening.  The inner voices talk of hurt, years of self-neglect, complete self-denial, abuse, rejection, shame, and despair.  Every story I have to tell about my life is a sad one, yet I couldn't connect with the concept that I had lived a sad life.  Who wants to admit that or look at that?

The truth is we deny these aspects of ourselves because we're afraid we won't like them, that nobody will like them.  That's my fear, that embracing these aspects of myself  and letting them have their space and their voices will reveal the truth that I am unlovable, that I deserved all the hurt I have received in my life, that indeed I am a misfit and there is no place here for me, but that's just my fear.  I don't really think those things are true and in order to release that fear I have to allow the rejected parts of myself to come fully into the light and have their say.

I've had to come to terms with a lot of things I didn't want to such as admitting I'm wounded, that being in an abusive relationship had a negative effect on me, that my life had pretty much fallen apart and that I need a lot of help these days while I work to get back on my feet, that sometimes I'm sad because of all I have been through, that I see the world through different eyes and while I'm reconnecting with certain aspects of myself which is nice, I have to get to know brand new aspects of myself which isn't always very nice.  I struggle a lot on this journey because I'm afraid that I won't be able to bear the picture I see of myself and that no one else will be able or willing to bear it either, but that hasn't happened yet.

It's hard to say that I've known the life I should have been living all along, but it's true, I've known.  I've watched it roll past me like a passenger on a train staring out the window at the passing countryside, I've always been on the wrong side of the glass.  I watched it going past dreaming of achieving it in some brighter future that totally eluded me.  I had no idea how to get to that life, if I'd known that I wouldn't have made the choices I did which put me on a path much darker and sadder than that other happier life.

My life is certainly better than what it was, but nowhere near where it should be.  There is still a lot of pain to sort through, going all the way back in my life.  I'm on my way to working through it, sharing the experience as I do which is hard. I know it's going to hurt and I have to admit to a certain amount of fear.  I don't like to be as vulnerable as I'll need to be, but that's part of the healing process too.


As I run around my town taking care of various errands I feel strange, realizing I look like everyone else, but feeling so different, so separate from them all.  I know what it's like to breeze through life as though nothing is wrong, even when your world is falling down around you.  Moving so fast you can't see the walls topple to the ground or take time to step around the stones of your life, you just fly over them pretending they aren't there, pretending that nothing is wrong.  I'm not doing that anymore, I'm stopping and looking at each stone and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion while everyone around me is flying by at normal speed.  I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.

The thing is, I don't want to move like that anymore.  I want my life to have a slower pace, deeper meaning, greater purpose, time and space for truth to be explored, and to listen to the parts of myself that may not always be the brightest,  I don't want to step back on the crazy train of frantic living.  I've realized in these last couple of days that the emotional work I am undertaking has the potential to heal a lifetime of wounds I have carried with me and that when I am done I will not be the same person as I am now.  My life can be different and I will be different, no longer walking with my chest blown open, but healed and whole.  That is the point of the work, but it's moved me into a place to prepare to let go and I feel the mourning begin as the door to that part of my life prepares to swing closed.

The dark, crazier, stranger and unwanted aspects of myself have been crying to be heard for a very long time and I ignored them.  However, I have stepped onto a different train that is taking me down into the depths of my soul to find those aspects, like a train into Hell taking me to hang out with the tormented for a while.  That's the picture I have in my head, I hope it's not quite that bad, but I'm afraid that it is.  And if it is that bad?  Well, they're only tormented for having been neglected for so very long, denied grace by a desperate attempt to find love.  So how can I be afraid?  It's just me, waiting for the love and attention I have denied myself but am finally ready to give.  Yeah, it's going to hurt.  It always hurts when we begin to feed a part of us that has starved for so long, but it's a precious pain and I am ready it.