Last night I got a pretty stark look at my life thus far. It's not that there were any surprises, there weren't but I hadn't really taken in all the areas at once. It wasn't a pretty picture. This morning I woke up feeling rather depressed and pathetic as a human being because every area of my life was basically a disaster. At least that's how it seemed.
I'm climbing out a financial hole that is pretty significant, my job keeps me so busy that if I actually got as much rest as I should all I would do is work and sleep, my relationships with family, friends and lovers hasn't always been very good. In fact, there was a time when I had no friends, my family wasn't talking to me and I was isolated in an abusive relationship. My physical fitness is not what it should be and often I struggle to eat properly and get enough rest to a great degree because of my job. As I said, not a pretty picture.
But is it really all that bad? It's true that financially I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be but I'm significantly better off than I was a year ago. Now I can support myself, pay all my bills, put money aside for emergencies, save for a vacation and actually have some fun and go shopping once in a while. Financially I haven't been this well off in about 10 years, that's improvement. My job does dominate my life and I need to take care of that, but I can do that. I now have a good idea of which direction I need to go and I am taking steps right now to fix that aspect of my life.
In terms of my relationships, the relationship with my family is somewhat troubling and probably always will be but I am learning to negotiate it better and I expect that will continue. My romantic life is currently without prospect but all things considered that's really a good thing right now. Historically speaking I picked men who really weren't capable of love and my last relationship was emotionally and financially abusive. The last thing I need is to be involved with someone else before I work out the impact of this last relationship on my life and on my self so I consider being single a definite blessing at the moment. As for my friendships, this area of my life has truly blossomed and I am blessed with the dearest, most supportive friends anyone could ever want. They love and care about me, they share in my victories and give comfort with my sorrows. We laugh together, we cry together and there isn't one of them I couldn't turn to at any time for a hug or a caring word. Considering the fact that I didn't have many friends all that long ago and the one's I did have I kept at a distance this too is a distinct improvement.
In terms of my physical health there's a lot of work to be done here. However, in the last year alone I lost 60 pounds just by changing how I ate and walking every single day. Since I took this position eating has become a hit and miss proposition and because I eat at meetings a lot my nutrition isn't all I want it to be, but I can fix that just by cooking meals for myself on the weekends and taking my lunch even to meetings; I can eat healthier. Exercise is hard to fit in, but it too can be done. I don't work late every night and if I am mindful of getting enough rest it's possible for me to wake up early enough to fit in at least a 2 mile walk every morning which helps control my stress and is good for my body. When I don't work late I can run by one of the many gyms in my town and fit in some time for cross training which is my favorite way to exercise. Getting enough rest is always a challenge with my schedule and if I want to spend any time with friends it means I cut my sleep short, but I can be mindful of how I schedule time with friends so that I'm not too tired each week and I get the benefit of hanging out with people I care about and who care about me.
It's easy when I look at all the bad decisions that I've made over the years and the place I find myself in now to feel totally defeated. Both last night and this morning I felt like a complete failure, but I'm not. Historically speaking I certainly didn't choose well for myself but that doesn't mean I have to continue doing so and when I worry that I might be taking a wrong turn I have people I can turn to for perspective and advice so I don't continue to make bad choices. I often refer to how people view life as looking through a particular window. The window you choose to look out of will determine the perspective you get on your life or on a situation, but it's a choice.
This morning I was looking out the window of failure because that's all I could see, however my life is not a complete failure. That doesn't mean there aren't things that need to be fixed, there are, and I will continue to work on them to the best of my ability but it also doesn't mean that my life is a complete disaster. I have already made positive changes and when I choose a window that shows only defeat I can choose a window that includes my victories. When it comes to your life which window will you choose?
Friday, April 8, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Embracing Death
Spring is here and it's one of my favorite times of year. The hills around us are green, wildflowers are everywhere, it's warm but not too hot and the sky is a lovely shade of blue. Life and beauty abound and I take great pleasure in going outside and taking it all in. The other day it struck me how different my life was a year ago and how grateful I am to be in this time and this place right now.
Everyone knows that difficult times will come, but somehow we're never as prepared for them as we'd like to be. This last year has been quite challenging in a number of ways and I really didn't have any useful tools with which to address all the issues that have come up for me until very recently and that has made my challenges all the more difficult. But you know, the things that have seemed the worst in my life have yielded countless blessings and I wouldn't be in the place I am if they hadn't happened.
I know, everyone says that and until we go through difficulties ourselves we don't really understand how limiting life can be when we're not living in a way that best serves us. It can be really difficult to see the constraints that we put on ourselves and that we allow others to put on us, until our life is so small there is barely room to turn around and get any kind of an objective perspective. In those cases we not only need friends to help see our lives clearly but we need the openness to hear what it is they have to say.
I'm probably the worst with that. Not only have I not listened, I arranged my life in such a way that no one could get a clear picture of what was going on with me. I kept everyone at a distance so they could only see what I allowed them to see and I didn't let them get any closer even when I wanted them to be close to me. I was alone and didn't even realize it, because our minds are so tricky it's easy to deceive ourselves in order to continue surviving in the environment we've created. Change is scary. Our egos feel like we are going to die and indeed part of us will die if we acknowledge the need to change and start taking steps to make the change happen.
In our society we don't deal with death very well. Death is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs and yet we can't avoid it, it's going to happen. We comfort ourselves with believing that death awaits us in a far distant future when we are very old and very frail, but in fact death is all around us. Every little change we make is a death. Each time we choose one thing over another it's a death and we need to become aware of that dying process and how it affects our psyches so we can choose to embrace the dying and help it work to our advantage.
Years ago I read tarot cards at parties for extra money and the one card everyone hated to see was Death. Whenever Death would show up for someone I would take their hand and smile at them saying, "Don't panic, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone is going to die. What this card really means is that something is going to come to an end in order to make way for something new. For whatever reason something isn't working in your life and it needs to die in order to open up new possibilities in your life. Death is very powerful card, but it's also a positive card." If only I had been able to hear my own wisdom I so easily shared with others.
This time last year I felt like I was dying very slowly, one small piece at a time. Spring had come and I resented the meretricious display of new life all around me. I wanted the world to be encased in winter, lying dormant and dead as I felt I was. I hated how I felt, I hated my life and I hated spring. All I wanted was surcease from the pain and I didn't see that coming any time soon. That time of dying was so necessary. It wasn't something to be resisted and avoided because death is what clears the way for new life. If I had been able to embrace that process I would have made much better decisions shortly down the road and I would have avoided further pain and sorrow.
So now, a year later I'm embracing spring because I'm finally at a place of growth in my life. It isn't easy, but neither is it easy for a sprout to grow into a full-fledged plant. I have my growing pains and with the growth will come more death but I think, I hope, I'm in a better place to accept it now. I try to keep my eyes open so I can see my life clearly, I have good friends who are there to help me see clearly when I can't and I try to accept every little death with courage and grace because even though death is still scary I see how very necessary it is.
Everyone knows that difficult times will come, but somehow we're never as prepared for them as we'd like to be. This last year has been quite challenging in a number of ways and I really didn't have any useful tools with which to address all the issues that have come up for me until very recently and that has made my challenges all the more difficult. But you know, the things that have seemed the worst in my life have yielded countless blessings and I wouldn't be in the place I am if they hadn't happened.
I know, everyone says that and until we go through difficulties ourselves we don't really understand how limiting life can be when we're not living in a way that best serves us. It can be really difficult to see the constraints that we put on ourselves and that we allow others to put on us, until our life is so small there is barely room to turn around and get any kind of an objective perspective. In those cases we not only need friends to help see our lives clearly but we need the openness to hear what it is they have to say.
I'm probably the worst with that. Not only have I not listened, I arranged my life in such a way that no one could get a clear picture of what was going on with me. I kept everyone at a distance so they could only see what I allowed them to see and I didn't let them get any closer even when I wanted them to be close to me. I was alone and didn't even realize it, because our minds are so tricky it's easy to deceive ourselves in order to continue surviving in the environment we've created. Change is scary. Our egos feel like we are going to die and indeed part of us will die if we acknowledge the need to change and start taking steps to make the change happen.
In our society we don't deal with death very well. Death is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs and yet we can't avoid it, it's going to happen. We comfort ourselves with believing that death awaits us in a far distant future when we are very old and very frail, but in fact death is all around us. Every little change we make is a death. Each time we choose one thing over another it's a death and we need to become aware of that dying process and how it affects our psyches so we can choose to embrace the dying and help it work to our advantage.
Years ago I read tarot cards at parties for extra money and the one card everyone hated to see was Death. Whenever Death would show up for someone I would take their hand and smile at them saying, "Don't panic, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone is going to die. What this card really means is that something is going to come to an end in order to make way for something new. For whatever reason something isn't working in your life and it needs to die in order to open up new possibilities in your life. Death is very powerful card, but it's also a positive card." If only I had been able to hear my own wisdom I so easily shared with others.
This time last year I felt like I was dying very slowly, one small piece at a time. Spring had come and I resented the meretricious display of new life all around me. I wanted the world to be encased in winter, lying dormant and dead as I felt I was. I hated how I felt, I hated my life and I hated spring. All I wanted was surcease from the pain and I didn't see that coming any time soon. That time of dying was so necessary. It wasn't something to be resisted and avoided because death is what clears the way for new life. If I had been able to embrace that process I would have made much better decisions shortly down the road and I would have avoided further pain and sorrow.
So now, a year later I'm embracing spring because I'm finally at a place of growth in my life. It isn't easy, but neither is it easy for a sprout to grow into a full-fledged plant. I have my growing pains and with the growth will come more death but I think, I hope, I'm in a better place to accept it now. I try to keep my eyes open so I can see my life clearly, I have good friends who are there to help me see clearly when I can't and I try to accept every little death with courage and grace because even though death is still scary I see how very necessary it is.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Simplicty of Offering Aid
In December I flew to Northern California to attend a week long conference for work. I was delayed at the airport for 6 hours and while I was there I noticed a woman who had a baby with her. The woman was visibly upset and while I was watching her she put her face in her hands and started to cry. I walked up to her and apologized for intruding but wanted to see if there was anything I could to help.
Her husband had just left her and she had a newborn baby. She was flying home to go live with her parents and she was exhausted, naturally. She couldn't sleep because she was so upset about the breakup and worried about her baby. The baby was colicky and didn't want to be put down so I offered to hold the baby for her so maybe she could close her eyes until it was time for her to board her plane. Surprisingly, she let me hold her little girls and she was able to sleep for a short while before her plane left.
I work at a rape crisis center and more often than not when I go out on a call to provide support to survivors of sexual assault they fall asleep once I get to them. They have been hypervigilant throughout the questioning process with the police, trying to survive the nightmare they are experiencing until they can finally go home and, hopefully, forget for a while. It is only when I get there that they are able to let down and go to sleep. Nothing more is required of me than my presence and my promise that I will keep them safe. It doesn't seem like much, but it helps.
So little is required of us to help other people. Sometimes it's nothing more than being a quiet, safe presence for someone in crisis, listening to someone with compassion, getting a cup of coffee for someone who can't walk, carrying something heavy for someone who is struggling, or holding a baby for an exhausted, stressed mother. It's easy to help, so simple I just can't see not helping people.
I've listened to a lot of criticism and words of warning about going up and offering help to someone I don't even know and many people, my family included, don't understand what it is that drives me to help. Many times, when I tell people what I do they look at me with shocked expressions and wide eyes, shaking their heads and asking, "How can you do that?" My question back to them is how can I not? If it was me, if I survived sexual assault, I would be walking through a nightmare before I reached a place of healing and I know that I would want someone next to me holding my hand the entire way. If I would want that help how can I not offer it?
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and is, obviously, a big month in my field. I think it's important to raise awareness around sexual assault and begin a dialogue in our communities about how we can become advocates not just against sexual violence but all forms of violence. It is also important to keep our eyes open and look around at other people so we can really begin to see each other. So often we don't even look at each other and because of that we don't see when people are hurting or are in need. It is my hope that will change, it's not hard to help it's really so simple and if we don't help each other, what hope do we have?
Her husband had just left her and she had a newborn baby. She was flying home to go live with her parents and she was exhausted, naturally. She couldn't sleep because she was so upset about the breakup and worried about her baby. The baby was colicky and didn't want to be put down so I offered to hold the baby for her so maybe she could close her eyes until it was time for her to board her plane. Surprisingly, she let me hold her little girls and she was able to sleep for a short while before her plane left.
I work at a rape crisis center and more often than not when I go out on a call to provide support to survivors of sexual assault they fall asleep once I get to them. They have been hypervigilant throughout the questioning process with the police, trying to survive the nightmare they are experiencing until they can finally go home and, hopefully, forget for a while. It is only when I get there that they are able to let down and go to sleep. Nothing more is required of me than my presence and my promise that I will keep them safe. It doesn't seem like much, but it helps.
So little is required of us to help other people. Sometimes it's nothing more than being a quiet, safe presence for someone in crisis, listening to someone with compassion, getting a cup of coffee for someone who can't walk, carrying something heavy for someone who is struggling, or holding a baby for an exhausted, stressed mother. It's easy to help, so simple I just can't see not helping people.
I've listened to a lot of criticism and words of warning about going up and offering help to someone I don't even know and many people, my family included, don't understand what it is that drives me to help. Many times, when I tell people what I do they look at me with shocked expressions and wide eyes, shaking their heads and asking, "How can you do that?" My question back to them is how can I not? If it was me, if I survived sexual assault, I would be walking through a nightmare before I reached a place of healing and I know that I would want someone next to me holding my hand the entire way. If I would want that help how can I not offer it?
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and is, obviously, a big month in my field. I think it's important to raise awareness around sexual assault and begin a dialogue in our communities about how we can become advocates not just against sexual violence but all forms of violence. It is also important to keep our eyes open and look around at other people so we can really begin to see each other. So often we don't even look at each other and because of that we don't see when people are hurting or are in need. It is my hope that will change, it's not hard to help it's really so simple and if we don't help each other, what hope do we have?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Change that Occurs Within
It's been about a week and half since work started to go badly and I started to freak out. I've had my ups and downs, handled it better some days and really poorly on others but you know, there's really only so much energy a person can burn before it becomes old news and you just have to move on. I'm not a big fan of cliches but I have to say that life is too short and there are so many things worth being happy about and enjoying, too many to spend time and energy thinking only about the negative aspects of our lives. Everything is just a moment in time.
We get so caught up thinking that all the things we're experiencing are forever but they aren't, nothing is permanent. Given enough time everything will shift eventually whether the change comes from an outside force or from our own efforts rest assured things will change. The situation may not change, the people involved may not change but that's okay because, truly, the most significant change that can occur is the change that occurs from within.
We will never be able to control anything outside of us, believe me I've tried. Control of anything beyond ourselves is an illusion, it doesn't exist. When we can muster our resources to create true lasting change from within then we've really found something instrumental with which to work. It's not easy. I kept trying to get there and falling short of the mark, but there was a point where I really had to be okay with that too. As long as I am trying to get somewhere beneficial for me when I get there really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that we keep working on moving forward and not remaining stuck where we are.
Am I doing better with my job situation? You bet! Is it a permanent change? I hope so, I think so. All the things that were upsetting to me in the last week and a half have fallen away and I've come to a peaceful place with how things are. That doesn't mean I like the situation I'm in, I don't, however I can now maneuver through all the irritations without massive emotional upheavals that really aren't in my best interest and that's nice. Now I have more energy and attention for the things that are good and I'm lucky enough to have caught a few moments of grace along the way today. Those moments of grace can make all the difference. They don't last long, note the use of the word moments, but they are like sweet kisses from the Universe reminding us that all is well and that we are loved.
We get so caught up thinking that all the things we're experiencing are forever but they aren't, nothing is permanent. Given enough time everything will shift eventually whether the change comes from an outside force or from our own efforts rest assured things will change. The situation may not change, the people involved may not change but that's okay because, truly, the most significant change that can occur is the change that occurs from within.
We will never be able to control anything outside of us, believe me I've tried. Control of anything beyond ourselves is an illusion, it doesn't exist. When we can muster our resources to create true lasting change from within then we've really found something instrumental with which to work. It's not easy. I kept trying to get there and falling short of the mark, but there was a point where I really had to be okay with that too. As long as I am trying to get somewhere beneficial for me when I get there really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that we keep working on moving forward and not remaining stuck where we are.
Am I doing better with my job situation? You bet! Is it a permanent change? I hope so, I think so. All the things that were upsetting to me in the last week and a half have fallen away and I've come to a peaceful place with how things are. That doesn't mean I like the situation I'm in, I don't, however I can now maneuver through all the irritations without massive emotional upheavals that really aren't in my best interest and that's nice. Now I have more energy and attention for the things that are good and I'm lucky enough to have caught a few moments of grace along the way today. Those moments of grace can make all the difference. They don't last long, note the use of the word moments, but they are like sweet kisses from the Universe reminding us that all is well and that we are loved.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Gift of Being Human
I had a very interesting conversation with a friend recently. He is an interesting guy and we've had our ups and downs for various reasons but all in all I really like and respect him. He is the quintessential good Samaritan. Having come from a military background he thinks nothing of putting his own life in danger to help others and does so on a regular basis. This past weekend's good deed consisted of stopping a car jacking in progress, the weekend before was saving a man from choking to death at a community event. He does these things without thought to himself only knowing that someone needs help and he is there to provide it.
Today he is going to the dentist for a somewhat painful procedure. As expected he intends to take no time off from work to recover or to take any pain medication afterwards. As we were finishing our conversation I told him if he happened to find himself having a human moment and needing to stay home I would I would happily endorse and support such a decision as it is important for him to take care of himself. He looked at me with the saddest expression in his eyes and said to me, "I'm not human" and then he walked out the door. I wanted to cry.
I so understand that comment "I'm not human." I have tried to transcend humanity for most of my adult life, but we can't do it. The attempt to ignore our humanity comes out of deep pain and is ultimately a rejection of ourselves because for whatever reason we find ourselves unacceptable as we are. To compensate we strive for the unattainable, setting standards for ourselves that are beyond impossible to achieve and when we fail in the attempt we berate ourselves mercilessly picking up the tools of abuse that others have left behind and using them against ourselves.
Surrendering to my humanity has been an incredible struggle for me. Being human makes me vulnerable, sometimes it hurts. It seems safer to deny the humanity within me, shut down and move forward pretending I am invulnerable, but in doing so I would commit my life to endless suffering. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience enlightenment. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience love, not just giving it but receiving it. Only through my precious human body am I open to all of the incredible experiences and moments of grace that this incarnation has to offer and missing it all would be a sorrowful tragedy.
Watching my friend struggle with his own humanity is a lesson for me, reminding me to hold on tightly to that which makes me human. Vulnerability is a gift, openness is a gift as long as it is balanced and mindfully maintained. The quest for perfection is a fruitless quest, I'll never achieve it, but not only can I attain humanness I can learn and understand the gifts that are an inherent part of it. My dearest hope for my friend is that he can come to embrace his own humanity. My dearest hope for myself is that I can continue to embrace my own humanity, loving it and cherishing it as the precious gift that it is. As I was recently reminded pain is part of the human existence, there's no escaping it, but so is love, joy, Divine communion, growth and happiness. These are the gifts of humanity and they are so very precious.
Today he is going to the dentist for a somewhat painful procedure. As expected he intends to take no time off from work to recover or to take any pain medication afterwards. As we were finishing our conversation I told him if he happened to find himself having a human moment and needing to stay home I would I would happily endorse and support such a decision as it is important for him to take care of himself. He looked at me with the saddest expression in his eyes and said to me, "I'm not human" and then he walked out the door. I wanted to cry.
I so understand that comment "I'm not human." I have tried to transcend humanity for most of my adult life, but we can't do it. The attempt to ignore our humanity comes out of deep pain and is ultimately a rejection of ourselves because for whatever reason we find ourselves unacceptable as we are. To compensate we strive for the unattainable, setting standards for ourselves that are beyond impossible to achieve and when we fail in the attempt we berate ourselves mercilessly picking up the tools of abuse that others have left behind and using them against ourselves.
Surrendering to my humanity has been an incredible struggle for me. Being human makes me vulnerable, sometimes it hurts. It seems safer to deny the humanity within me, shut down and move forward pretending I am invulnerable, but in doing so I would commit my life to endless suffering. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience enlightenment. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience love, not just giving it but receiving it. Only through my precious human body am I open to all of the incredible experiences and moments of grace that this incarnation has to offer and missing it all would be a sorrowful tragedy.
Watching my friend struggle with his own humanity is a lesson for me, reminding me to hold on tightly to that which makes me human. Vulnerability is a gift, openness is a gift as long as it is balanced and mindfully maintained. The quest for perfection is a fruitless quest, I'll never achieve it, but not only can I attain humanness I can learn and understand the gifts that are an inherent part of it. My dearest hope for my friend is that he can come to embrace his own humanity. My dearest hope for myself is that I can continue to embrace my own humanity, loving it and cherishing it as the precious gift that it is. As I was recently reminded pain is part of the human existence, there's no escaping it, but so is love, joy, Divine communion, growth and happiness. These are the gifts of humanity and they are so very precious.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Importance of Accessing our Inner Stillness
Well, I got through my meeting job in tact for the moment and we sit at a cease fire. For the other people involved in the meeting it wasn't a good meeting. For me, it was a complete victory. Not because I got what I wanted out of the meeting, that didn't happen at all. It was a victory for me because through it all I remained calm. When it was necessary I spoke my truth but because I was centered, breathing mindfully and fully accepting of the situation I was able to do so in an extremely positive way. That doesn't mean they liked what I had to say or that I was saying it. They didn't like what I was saying and they made that very clear, but it didn't matter because there was nothing they could object to in the delivery.
For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself. As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt. As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.
So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages. Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source. They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.
I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming. If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads. The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.
So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared. I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game. Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work. They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. Do I allow myself to fail? Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail. Do I get up every morning ready to try again? You bet. It's really the only answer.
For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself. As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt. As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.
So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages. Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source. They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.
I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming. If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads. The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.
So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared. I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game. Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work. They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. Do I allow myself to fail? Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail. Do I get up every morning ready to try again? You bet. It's really the only answer.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who is in Control?
I've been having a lot of issues come up at work lately and I have to say, I haven't been handling them very well...at all. I've gotten angry, felt betrayed, wanted revenge and was basically having a fit over the whole issue. At the same time, I've also been working on some deep personal issues and in some ways my reaction to my work situation has been because I felt as though life should give me a little break while I got my personal baggage under control. But that's not how it works because ultimately these aren't separate issues, they are connected and I have to experience them at the same time in order for the lessons to really come into fruition in my own consciousness.
I finally figured out that it doesn't really matter what happens at work. Beyond the pragmatic details of needing a job in order to earn a living, the details of each day and each conflict do not matter. They are simply the backdrop that these lessons play out on and each issue, each conflict is simply another opportunity for me to get the lesson and apply it. That's all. I really hate the phrase it's all about me, but in this case in it is all about me. It is all about how I handle the situation, not what other people are doing. Am I going to address it in the best way possible by remaining calm and not reacting? Am I going to remember that I need to take a few deep, slow breaths before I respond so that I respond out of my highest awareness or am I going buy in to the details playing out in front of me and react to them? Who is in control? The choice is mine, I have the power decide and no one else.
I have been aware of this for a while now, but for some reason I wasn't yet able to apply it to my own situation. I could talk about it, explain it and cognitively understand it but I couldn't live it. Today I can live it and I think that is true only because I have been working very hard to connect to my core self and have only recently made a breakthrough. Without a connection to my core self I had no ground to stand on, no personal connection with which to root myself. I was without anchor and everything that happened around me would impact my decisions and reactions. Last night it all came together all at once and I got it, the veritable "Ah hah!" moment. It is all so simple.
So today I am going into a meeting which I don't anticipate will be set up by the people running it to be a good situation for me, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be set up to be a good situation for me, I can create a situation that is good for me. Understanding that the people running the meeting are operating a different level than I am means I can prepare to be at my absolute best for this meeting. I am going home for lunch to meditate before the meeting and I will be meditating in small increments of time throughout the day to maintain a higher state of consciousness. I will be breathing mindfully during each interaction with the people who are in conflict with me. I will remember that love is the most powerful force on the planet and I will work not only to surround myself with love but will also surround the people I will be meeting with in love because I understand their nature and I can have compassion and understanding about that.
I finally figured out that it doesn't really matter what happens at work. Beyond the pragmatic details of needing a job in order to earn a living, the details of each day and each conflict do not matter. They are simply the backdrop that these lessons play out on and each issue, each conflict is simply another opportunity for me to get the lesson and apply it. That's all. I really hate the phrase it's all about me, but in this case in it is all about me. It is all about how I handle the situation, not what other people are doing. Am I going to address it in the best way possible by remaining calm and not reacting? Am I going to remember that I need to take a few deep, slow breaths before I respond so that I respond out of my highest awareness or am I going buy in to the details playing out in front of me and react to them? Who is in control? The choice is mine, I have the power decide and no one else.
I have been aware of this for a while now, but for some reason I wasn't yet able to apply it to my own situation. I could talk about it, explain it and cognitively understand it but I couldn't live it. Today I can live it and I think that is true only because I have been working very hard to connect to my core self and have only recently made a breakthrough. Without a connection to my core self I had no ground to stand on, no personal connection with which to root myself. I was without anchor and everything that happened around me would impact my decisions and reactions. Last night it all came together all at once and I got it, the veritable "Ah hah!" moment. It is all so simple.
So today I am going into a meeting which I don't anticipate will be set up by the people running it to be a good situation for me, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be set up to be a good situation for me, I can create a situation that is good for me. Understanding that the people running the meeting are operating a different level than I am means I can prepare to be at my absolute best for this meeting. I am going home for lunch to meditate before the meeting and I will be meditating in small increments of time throughout the day to maintain a higher state of consciousness. I will be breathing mindfully during each interaction with the people who are in conflict with me. I will remember that love is the most powerful force on the planet and I will work not only to surround myself with love but will also surround the people I will be meeting with in love because I understand their nature and I can have compassion and understanding about that.
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