Every year at the Winter Solstice I choose a word for the year. The point is to be mindful about how the word plays out in my life and to work with the word whenever it comes up. Last year my word was "forgiveness" and I thought when I drew it I was sure I knew what it would mean in my life. After ending an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend obviously this year would be a journey in forgiving him for all that had happened between us. I was prepared, open to forgiveness and ready to come to a place of peace about our relationship. Surprise! It's never what you think it is and I have to say, I've struggled with the lessons of forgiveness that come my way.
It's true, I did need to come to a place of forgiveness for my ex but that was such a small piece of the work I had to do around forgiveness. The biggest hurdle, even up to a couple of weeks ago, was not forgiving my ex, but forgiving myself and not just in the context of my broken relationship but for all the hurts I have experienced and have inflicted on myself. It sounds simple, if we love ourselves it should be easy to forgive ourselves. But there's a lot that's tied up into forgiveness and forgiving ourselves is harder to do than we think.
In order to forgive myself I first had to accept responsibility for the unloving acts I committed against myself. Sounds pretty intense when I put it that way, but all lessons begin with us and we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. All the secret grudges, all the failed expectations, the betrayals, the withholding of love made it incredibly difficult to forgive myself. As I worked through the things that happened in my past relationship, I realized that I kept not only myself but my son in a hurtful and abusive relationship and forgiveness seemed to slip further and further away. And it wasn't even limited to this past relationship, but was a theme in my whole life. I realized that the journey to forgiveness wasn't just about forgiveness, but was also a journey to love.
Many of us have hurtful stories about our past and mine, in comparison with people I know and have talked with, is nowhere near as bad as it could have been. But as my first therapist said, "Pain is pain and the damage done makes no comparison with others' pain". My parents both deal with personality disorders and eating disorders, alcoholism and drug addiction run rampant in my family. It was an emotionally abusive household and to help with that we were part of a very strict and unforgiving version of Christianity. The messages I got growing up were that I didn't matter, everyone else mattered more than me, my feelings were not to be tolerated, and expectations were ridiculously high; I could never be good enough. I was a sad and lonely little girl, desperate to have my parents' love and approval and quick to punish myself at each and every failure of their expectations and desires, and I failed often.
This theme followed me into my marriage. I wanted to be the perfect wife and perfect mother. I wanted my husband to see me as an equal, to be a partner, to earn his love, respect and admiration for all that I was and all that I could do. But the people we choose are reflections of ourselves. I believed that my feelings didn't matter and everyone else mattered more than me, so I chose a man who could never see me as his equal, whose value of me only came from how I made him look in other people's eyes, who couldn't appreciate the various quirks that made me the person that I was and in that marriage I was, again, a sad and lonely little girl.
By the time I met my ex-boyfriend, I was desperate for any thread of love I could put my finger on and I was swept away by him. But in spite of four years of therapy I hadn't learned to love myself so again, I chose poorly. I was so desperate to be loved and to not be alone that I stayed in an abusive relationship and kept my son there too. We fought constantly and said horrible things to each other and I believed every criticism and every accusation. My self-worth and self-love weren't really low, they weren't even realities I could recognize. The best thing that happened in that relationship was my ex leaving me and I regretted that for a single day.
It would be so easy to say I just need to forgive my parents, my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend and be on my merry way, but it isn't that easy. Forgiving others is so much easier than forgiving ourselves. I have to forgive myself for the choices that I made that hurt me and others. I have to forgive myself for every poisonous word I whispered in my head when I failed. I have to forgive myself for shutting out the inner voices of a hurt little girl who told me to leave so many times, for turning her away when she cried for love and I wouldn't give it, for hurting my son. And to do that, I have to love myself enough to know that withholding forgiveness of myself continues to hurt me in a way that is totally contrary to self-love.
So that has been my journey. Learning to love and value myself enough to forgive myself for the hurt I have caused both myself and those I care about. Forgiving myself for the choices I made that hurt me was hard enough, forgiving myself for the choices I made that hurt my son has been the most difficult, but I'm getting there. As I've gone through this journey I've had the opportunity to talk to a lot of people about self-forgiveness and so many of us struggle with it, but it really is a key component on the path of living an emotionally healthy life; and it's worth the struggle.
This is probably something I am going to struggle with for a long time. I learned self-forgiveness as an adult and it's certainly not second nature, but even though my year with this word is done, I am not done with this word and it is in my best interest to be mindful of it as I move through my life. When I started this process of healing ten months ago, I thought the end-point would be my healed self, and so it will be, but not in the way I was thinking. There is no end-point until I'm pushing up daisies and while healing is an important component along the way, this isn't a journey of healing so much as it's a journey of love. I know, enough with the love already! But it is.
The over-arching theme of my life has been one in which I seek union with the Divine. But how can I possibly understand Divine love if I can't even love myself? And if I can't love myself, how can I hope to draw people to my life who love me? And if I can't love myself, I can't forgive myself and I can't move forward because I'm stuck in a swamp of self-loathing and recrimination. They're all connected. So as I move along this path of love I must hold forgiveness close, understanding that love and forgiveness are inextricably intertwined.
Winter Solstice 2011 just passed a few days ago and indeed I chose another word. This year's experience with forgiveness has made me a bit wary of this process and it was with some trepidation that I chose my new word. The word for this year is "integrity". I put the word back in the bowl with the others and chose another word. But integrity is my word for this year and so I fished it out knowing that I can't avoid the lessons. I am interested to see how this word plays out in my life in the coming year, but I know it's not going to be anything I expect. I have some preliminary thoughts about places I can go with it, but that's going to be nothing in comparison with what life itself will bring about.
It is my hope, as always, to be open to these lessons and accept them with courage and grace. My eyes and heart will be open, but I have a secret hope that it won't be too hard. I guess we'll have to see. In the meantime, I am mindful that words are powerful when we work to give them meaning in our lives, they can be transformative. There is now enough forgiveness and enough love in my life to face this new word's challenge. I value integrity and am committed to it in my own life, we'll have to see where the lessons lie.
As we are in the holiday season, I'm very aware that this year the most precious gift I have received is forgiveness and I'm so grateful I could find it. I'm holding on tight to it so I don't have to go in search of it again. It's been a powerful word for me this year, transforming, and I'm grateful that attention to a single word can be so powerful if we are willing to pay attention and to open ourselves up to the lesson.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
It's All About the Love
It's finally cool outside with the onset of fall. Of course, the weather could turn in a nanosecond and be up over 100 again so I'm not getting too attached to the change in weather. I went outside on my balcony tonight to enjoy the cool air and the quiet. Unfortunately, my neighbor downstairs is having a difficult time with one of her children and all I hear in the night is them yelling at one another until the mother, finally reaching her limit, spanks him and he's crying and snarling at her.
It would be so easy for me to get angry at this woman for how she treats her children, but I understand these are the sounds of a tired, overwhelmed mother who doesn't know what else to do except yell at her children and, of course, her children don't know what to do except yell back. The failure is not in the mother, but in a society, culture, town, etc that offers little to no education that would teach parents more effective means to deal with their children.
I often get frustrated with the city I live in. There are days when my interactions are with really nice, good-hearted people, and there are days when it seems this town is filled with narrow-minded, ignorant, people and I get tired of the limited mindset. I tell myself it would be so easy to give in to anger and hate, but if I do that is all I will see in the world, anger and hate...and I'm right.
That's not how I see the world, as one filled with anger and hate. I'm not a fool, I know there is an immense amount of anger and hatred loose in the world, but there's also an abundance of love. It's easy to think that it isn't present when we see horrible things happen around us, in our world, our country, our town, at our jobs. If we don't see loving action in the people around us, we don't think it exists, but it does and it's everywhere.
I've been working through a lot of my own issues lately, brought about by a difficult childhood and a difficult adulthood. My relationships haven't been good and have been filled with anger and abuse. I've worked through the gamut of emotions; anger, despair, confusion, loss, hopelessness and over and over again I have had to face the reality that the abuse and hurt I received never was the worst of what happened, what I did to myself was the worst of all.
Those of us who have lived through abuse, neglect, and pain know that the worst things you heard were inside your own head. The worst things that happened you did to yourself and the love that your own soul cried out for in desperation you denied yourself. The world is filled with hatred and pain, but the hatred and pain we see outside of ourselves is microscopic compared to the world of hatred and pain inside our own selves. What our inner world is comprised of forms our vision of the outer world.
The wounds inside of me may have been started by others, but they were nursed, continued and encouraged by me. As I have worked to heal them and allow love for myself to truly become a reality, I see the world differently. Yes, I still see that awful things happen to people everyday, but instead of seeing them as coming from horribly abusive people I see them coming from people who are hurt, lost and confused, people who are caught in systems that have become pathological and hurt those who run those systems and those who are subject to them.
A friend and I were talking about how we see the world and I told him that I see the world as being suffused with love, as though love permeates everything and is available all around us at all times. We just don't see the love available to us because our own stuff gets in the way and we hold ourselves separate from it. He looked at me with a fixed smile on his face and said, "Okay, Christi, that's an interesting perspective. That's not how I see the world at all. But we know this about you, with you it's all about the love" and it is.
I do see the world as being filled with love, but if we cannot truly love ourselves which includes accepting and embracing the parts of ourselves we find less than honorable or even distasteful, we will never get to experience that love even though it's right there. I believe that because as I began to heal and really allowed love into my heart that's what the world became for me, filled with love.
So how does this love translate into my everyday life? I'm still figuring that out, but here's what I have so far: Anyone you see acting in a hurtful way towards other people is acting out of an incredible amount of pain within themselves. They may be hurt, confused, scared, feel helpless or out of control and I know what it feels like to live that way, it's awful. If they don't have many internal resources or good role-models in their lives they may not have the tools to do things differently and I understand that too.
So instead of thinking that my neighbor is a bad mother, the city council is full of a bunch of elitist, greedy, bastards and this town is full of a bunch of closed-minded fools, I can realize these people are actually in a lot of pain and are most likely doing the best they can. I can remember that there were times when I was certainly not at my sterling best and I would have liked a little compassion thrown my way from anyone who saw me. I can be patient, caring, understanding and give them a little unconditional, positive regard because everybody deserves to at least be treated with dignity and respect and kindness goes even further.
I can forgive myself for having a moment of judgment against them and send a little loving energy their way, hoping that things get better and trying to help where I reasonably can. I can get involved in my community again and realize that those working to help people may be in as much pain or more as the people they are trying to help and they deserve my care and concern too. I can remember that we are all held by pathological systems that don't support us and do what I can to make a difference day by day, person by person. And above all, I can remember the love that is all around us and is there for me to channel to everyone I come across regardless of whether I happen to agree with their behavior or not. It's all about the love and when we can truly be in a place of love for ourselves we have boundless love to give to the people and world around us.
It would be so easy for me to get angry at this woman for how she treats her children, but I understand these are the sounds of a tired, overwhelmed mother who doesn't know what else to do except yell at her children and, of course, her children don't know what to do except yell back. The failure is not in the mother, but in a society, culture, town, etc that offers little to no education that would teach parents more effective means to deal with their children.
I often get frustrated with the city I live in. There are days when my interactions are with really nice, good-hearted people, and there are days when it seems this town is filled with narrow-minded, ignorant, people and I get tired of the limited mindset. I tell myself it would be so easy to give in to anger and hate, but if I do that is all I will see in the world, anger and hate...and I'm right.
That's not how I see the world, as one filled with anger and hate. I'm not a fool, I know there is an immense amount of anger and hatred loose in the world, but there's also an abundance of love. It's easy to think that it isn't present when we see horrible things happen around us, in our world, our country, our town, at our jobs. If we don't see loving action in the people around us, we don't think it exists, but it does and it's everywhere.
I've been working through a lot of my own issues lately, brought about by a difficult childhood and a difficult adulthood. My relationships haven't been good and have been filled with anger and abuse. I've worked through the gamut of emotions; anger, despair, confusion, loss, hopelessness and over and over again I have had to face the reality that the abuse and hurt I received never was the worst of what happened, what I did to myself was the worst of all.
Those of us who have lived through abuse, neglect, and pain know that the worst things you heard were inside your own head. The worst things that happened you did to yourself and the love that your own soul cried out for in desperation you denied yourself. The world is filled with hatred and pain, but the hatred and pain we see outside of ourselves is microscopic compared to the world of hatred and pain inside our own selves. What our inner world is comprised of forms our vision of the outer world.
The wounds inside of me may have been started by others, but they were nursed, continued and encouraged by me. As I have worked to heal them and allow love for myself to truly become a reality, I see the world differently. Yes, I still see that awful things happen to people everyday, but instead of seeing them as coming from horribly abusive people I see them coming from people who are hurt, lost and confused, people who are caught in systems that have become pathological and hurt those who run those systems and those who are subject to them.
A friend and I were talking about how we see the world and I told him that I see the world as being suffused with love, as though love permeates everything and is available all around us at all times. We just don't see the love available to us because our own stuff gets in the way and we hold ourselves separate from it. He looked at me with a fixed smile on his face and said, "Okay, Christi, that's an interesting perspective. That's not how I see the world at all. But we know this about you, with you it's all about the love" and it is.
I do see the world as being filled with love, but if we cannot truly love ourselves which includes accepting and embracing the parts of ourselves we find less than honorable or even distasteful, we will never get to experience that love even though it's right there. I believe that because as I began to heal and really allowed love into my heart that's what the world became for me, filled with love.
So how does this love translate into my everyday life? I'm still figuring that out, but here's what I have so far: Anyone you see acting in a hurtful way towards other people is acting out of an incredible amount of pain within themselves. They may be hurt, confused, scared, feel helpless or out of control and I know what it feels like to live that way, it's awful. If they don't have many internal resources or good role-models in their lives they may not have the tools to do things differently and I understand that too.
So instead of thinking that my neighbor is a bad mother, the city council is full of a bunch of elitist, greedy, bastards and this town is full of a bunch of closed-minded fools, I can realize these people are actually in a lot of pain and are most likely doing the best they can. I can remember that there were times when I was certainly not at my sterling best and I would have liked a little compassion thrown my way from anyone who saw me. I can be patient, caring, understanding and give them a little unconditional, positive regard because everybody deserves to at least be treated with dignity and respect and kindness goes even further.
I can forgive myself for having a moment of judgment against them and send a little loving energy their way, hoping that things get better and trying to help where I reasonably can. I can get involved in my community again and realize that those working to help people may be in as much pain or more as the people they are trying to help and they deserve my care and concern too. I can remember that we are all held by pathological systems that don't support us and do what I can to make a difference day by day, person by person. And above all, I can remember the love that is all around us and is there for me to channel to everyone I come across regardless of whether I happen to agree with their behavior or not. It's all about the love and when we can truly be in a place of love for ourselves we have boundless love to give to the people and world around us.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
In Memorium
Yesterday I went to a memorial service for a very special lady who was a teacher to me. I didn't think of her as a teacher while she was alive, she was just my friend. But as I listened to her oldest and dearest and her children and grandchildren talk about her, I realized how much she had influenced my thinking and my actions. She was my teacher and she taught me about love.
Dian looked for the best in every situation and in every person. Consequently she inhabited a world that was beautiful, happy, and full of possibilities because those were the things she saw all around her. Although she had great concern for the state of the world her optimism never dimmed and her energy to do what she could to improve the state of things didn't wane until her body just couldn't fight anymore. I never heard her utter a negative word about anyone, though she sometimes was troubled by the things people would do, she always gave them the benefit of the doubt. She was full of laughter, quick to smile, and you never doubted that you were loved in her presence.
As I listened to stories shared by her friends and family I realized what an amazing legacy of love she has left behind. Her children are delightful people for whom kindness and caring is as natural as breathing and the stories they shared made me cry, not because I will miss her, but because they were so beautiful and so filled with love. You rarely hear stories like that anymore, it seems we rarely get to experience people like that anymore, though they are out there. She taught her children to be that way through her constant example of love and kindness. You can see her touch on each of their personalities, she lives in each one of them, and talking with them is like finding a jewel of Dian still alive and kicking.
If you go about your life with intention anyone can be a teacher. Dian taught me about the little things one can do to express their love in the world. A great hug, a quick smile, an ability to laugh, gently taking someones arm as you walk, listening, inspiring, and offering advice and insight sometimes gently, sometimes not, and above all service. She was fiercely opinionated and viciously independent and I loved those things about her. Many of the qualities she embodied are qualities I am working to develop in myself and so she is my teacher and will continue to be so.
We don't realize the great capacity we have to leave a legacy of love and goodness in the world. It's so easy to think that things are so far out of control that there is nothing we can do, and when we look at this great big world and all the people in it one can easily feel overwhelmed, understandably so. There's no one thing we can do to change the world immediately, but there are a million tiny things we can do with each person we meet and in every situation that we are in to make a difference. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and an open heart and the possibilities to make a positive impact unfurl around us. If we open our eyes to the teachers we have before us and learn from them we are impacted by them. If we then take what we learn and apply it in the world, we impact others and the gift is passed on.
My friend Dian was a beautiful person and I am so grateful to have known her for the short time that I did. I wish I had known her longer, called her more often, talked with her more and laughed a lot more, but I'm grateful for the time I had. I will remember her hugs, her smiles, her sense of humor and her ability to celebrate when some really long, boring presentation was over with a standing ovation and a giant smile on her face as she would lean down to me and say, "I'm not clapping because I liked it, I'm clapping because it's over!" She made me laugh, lightened my heart and brought me happiness. I will apply her lessons in every aspect of my life and do so with a mental caress in her direction.
I will remember that I have the ability to bring love to the world with my actions. That I create the world I see by the things that I choose to focus on. I am only as helpless to make a positive impact as I believe myself to be. I can love people, be loving to people and still be opinionated and independent. I will remember that sometimes a totally inappropriate comment is exactly what is needed to break the tension. I will remember that there is room for multiple truths all at one time. I will remember the value of a smile, a hug, laughter, a willing ear and a caring heart. I will remember that wherever I go there is a need for love and service, even in the people and places that seem too far gone and I will do what I can to shine a light in those places and in those people. I will remember my friend with love and all that she is for me and I will take her example and carry it on in the world.
I love you Dian and I will miss you so much, but in every loving action you will be there and so you live on in all of us, in all the lives and hearts that you have touched. I'm grateful that my life was graced with your presence. Deus det tibi pacem.
Dian looked for the best in every situation and in every person. Consequently she inhabited a world that was beautiful, happy, and full of possibilities because those were the things she saw all around her. Although she had great concern for the state of the world her optimism never dimmed and her energy to do what she could to improve the state of things didn't wane until her body just couldn't fight anymore. I never heard her utter a negative word about anyone, though she sometimes was troubled by the things people would do, she always gave them the benefit of the doubt. She was full of laughter, quick to smile, and you never doubted that you were loved in her presence.
As I listened to stories shared by her friends and family I realized what an amazing legacy of love she has left behind. Her children are delightful people for whom kindness and caring is as natural as breathing and the stories they shared made me cry, not because I will miss her, but because they were so beautiful and so filled with love. You rarely hear stories like that anymore, it seems we rarely get to experience people like that anymore, though they are out there. She taught her children to be that way through her constant example of love and kindness. You can see her touch on each of their personalities, she lives in each one of them, and talking with them is like finding a jewel of Dian still alive and kicking.
If you go about your life with intention anyone can be a teacher. Dian taught me about the little things one can do to express their love in the world. A great hug, a quick smile, an ability to laugh, gently taking someones arm as you walk, listening, inspiring, and offering advice and insight sometimes gently, sometimes not, and above all service. She was fiercely opinionated and viciously independent and I loved those things about her. Many of the qualities she embodied are qualities I am working to develop in myself and so she is my teacher and will continue to be so.
We don't realize the great capacity we have to leave a legacy of love and goodness in the world. It's so easy to think that things are so far out of control that there is nothing we can do, and when we look at this great big world and all the people in it one can easily feel overwhelmed, understandably so. There's no one thing we can do to change the world immediately, but there are a million tiny things we can do with each person we meet and in every situation that we are in to make a difference. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and an open heart and the possibilities to make a positive impact unfurl around us. If we open our eyes to the teachers we have before us and learn from them we are impacted by them. If we then take what we learn and apply it in the world, we impact others and the gift is passed on.
My friend Dian was a beautiful person and I am so grateful to have known her for the short time that I did. I wish I had known her longer, called her more often, talked with her more and laughed a lot more, but I'm grateful for the time I had. I will remember her hugs, her smiles, her sense of humor and her ability to celebrate when some really long, boring presentation was over with a standing ovation and a giant smile on her face as she would lean down to me and say, "I'm not clapping because I liked it, I'm clapping because it's over!" She made me laugh, lightened my heart and brought me happiness. I will apply her lessons in every aspect of my life and do so with a mental caress in her direction.
I will remember that I have the ability to bring love to the world with my actions. That I create the world I see by the things that I choose to focus on. I am only as helpless to make a positive impact as I believe myself to be. I can love people, be loving to people and still be opinionated and independent. I will remember that sometimes a totally inappropriate comment is exactly what is needed to break the tension. I will remember that there is room for multiple truths all at one time. I will remember the value of a smile, a hug, laughter, a willing ear and a caring heart. I will remember that wherever I go there is a need for love and service, even in the people and places that seem too far gone and I will do what I can to shine a light in those places and in those people. I will remember my friend with love and all that she is for me and I will take her example and carry it on in the world.
I love you Dian and I will miss you so much, but in every loving action you will be there and so you live on in all of us, in all the lives and hearts that you have touched. I'm grateful that my life was graced with your presence. Deus det tibi pacem.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Dark, Crazy, Strange and Unwanted
Of course I didn't really want to hear what they had to say. I mean, sure, part of me wanted to hear what they had to say, knew it was important, knew I needed to listen, listened some but nowhere near the level to which I should have been listening. The inner voices talk of hurt, years of self-neglect, complete self-denial, abuse, rejection, shame, and despair. Every story I have to tell about my life is a sad one, yet I couldn't connect with the concept that I had lived a sad life. Who wants to admit that or look at that?
The truth is we deny these aspects of ourselves because we're afraid we won't like them, that nobody will like them. That's my fear, that embracing these aspects of myself and letting them have their space and their voices will reveal the truth that I am unlovable, that I deserved all the hurt I have received in my life, that indeed I am a misfit and there is no place here for me, but that's just my fear. I don't really think those things are true and in order to release that fear I have to allow the rejected parts of myself to come fully into the light and have their say.
I've had to come to terms with a lot of things I didn't want to such as admitting I'm wounded, that being in an abusive relationship had a negative effect on me, that my life had pretty much fallen apart and that I need a lot of help these days while I work to get back on my feet, that sometimes I'm sad because of all I have been through, that I see the world through different eyes and while I'm reconnecting with certain aspects of myself which is nice, I have to get to know brand new aspects of myself which isn't always very nice. I struggle a lot on this journey because I'm afraid that I won't be able to bear the picture I see of myself and that no one else will be able or willing to bear it either, but that hasn't happened yet.
It's hard to say that I've known the life I should have been living all along, but it's true, I've known. I've watched it roll past me like a passenger on a train staring out the window at the passing countryside, I've always been on the wrong side of the glass. I watched it going past dreaming of achieving it in some brighter future that totally eluded me. I had no idea how to get to that life, if I'd known that I wouldn't have made the choices I did which put me on a path much darker and sadder than that other happier life.
My life is certainly better than what it was, but nowhere near where it should be. There is still a lot of pain to sort through, going all the way back in my life. I'm on my way to working through it, sharing the experience as I do which is hard. I know it's going to hurt and I have to admit to a certain amount of fear. I don't like to be as vulnerable as I'll need to be, but that's part of the healing process too.
As I run around my town taking care of various errands I feel strange, realizing I look like everyone else, but feeling so different, so separate from them all. I know what it's like to breeze through life as though nothing is wrong, even when your world is falling down around you. Moving so fast you can't see the walls topple to the ground or take time to step around the stones of your life, you just fly over them pretending they aren't there, pretending that nothing is wrong. I'm not doing that anymore, I'm stopping and looking at each stone and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion while everyone around me is flying by at normal speed. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.
The thing is, I don't want to move like that anymore. I want my life to have a slower pace, deeper meaning, greater purpose, time and space for truth to be explored, and to listen to the parts of myself that may not always be the brightest, I don't want to step back on the crazy train of frantic living. I've realized in these last couple of days that the emotional work I am undertaking has the potential to heal a lifetime of wounds I have carried with me and that when I am done I will not be the same person as I am now. My life can be different and I will be different, no longer walking with my chest blown open, but healed and whole. That is the point of the work, but it's moved me into a place to prepare to let go and I feel the mourning begin as the door to that part of my life prepares to swing closed.
The dark, crazier, stranger and unwanted aspects of myself have been crying to be heard for a very long time and I ignored them. However, I have stepped onto a different train that is taking me down into the depths of my soul to find those aspects, like a train into Hell taking me to hang out with the tormented for a while. That's the picture I have in my head, I hope it's not quite that bad, but I'm afraid that it is. And if it is that bad? Well, they're only tormented for having been neglected for so very long, denied grace by a desperate attempt to find love. So how can I be afraid? It's just me, waiting for the love and attention I have denied myself but am finally ready to give. Yeah, it's going to hurt. It always hurts when we begin to feed a part of us that has starved for so long, but it's a precious pain and I am ready it.
Monday, August 1, 2011
State of Grace
I'm sitting on my balcony enjoying the anonymity of darkness. It is warm and there is no breeze. The crescent moon, fat, even with her hidden visage, has long since set. The silence of the night is interrupted by the hum of air conditioners and the chirping of crickets. Ah, summer in Southern California. I am reminded as I sit here that this is the best summer I have ever had.
The past year has not been easy. Next month it will be a year ago that I began a long, often painful journey and still I am walking it. Certainly things are not perfect. I'm still unemployed, which I hope to remedy soon, and that creates a shortage in my finances, and there are relationships in my life which are difficult. On the other hand, I have enough money for everything I need and there are relationships in my life which are rich and wonderful. My life is peaceful, though hectic, for the first time ever.
I've had a lot of conversations about what is important in life and how people come about finding fulfillment in the day-to-day. I've always believed that it's important to do work that makes you happy over work that makes you lots of money. Having space to be yourself, have your beliefs, live in the spiritual fashion that matches your truth, a significant relationship that is loving, respectful, meaningful and supportive of each person's growth and individuality, and of course, personal health are all incredibly important to having a happy life. All of these things take work, a lot of work, at a deeply personal level.
No one wants pain in their life, no one wants to feel hurt and sorrow, but all of these things come into our lives; they are the only real guarantee besides change. People, for the most part, would rather hold on to the hurt they know than face the hurt that will bring about change and growth. I used to be that way so I understand that and say it without judgment, but I think it's a mistake. Experiencing hurt because of personal work and growth can only help if we have the courage to face it honestly, with grace and openness, and the support of people who care about us. Experiencing hurt needlessly because our life isn't fulfilling doesn't bring us anything except pain.
I've often said that I'm willing to experience pain for a purpose, but not needlessly. That's somewhat new for me because I've experienced a lot of needless pain and I was the reason I was experiencing it. We don't have to stay in painful situations, whether they are due to physical maladies, bad relationships or a job that sucks our very souls. What we do need to do, however, is then be willing to face the pain that will bring about necessary change in our lives and that's never easy.
I'm lucky, I have a huge amount of supportive friends and loved ones who are willing and able to support me. They are my created family and I'm always somewhat stunned by their love and support whenever I see it in action. These are friends I've had for years, but never had access to because of the relationship I was in. It would be easy to be bitter about that, but in doing without them for so long I have a deep appreciation for their presence in my lives now.
I could be bitter about losing a job that had meaning for me, but the truth is that job was killing me and wasn't fulfilling in the way I wanted it to be. Losing my job was a good thing, overall, and now I have room to consider, make plans and find a job that will allow me to be home with my son until he is grown. Then I will create a career that fills my soul. The job I had kept me running so hard and fast I was never home and both my son and I suffered for it.
I could be bitter that someone I was with for 8 years, whom I trusted, would be abusive and hurtful, would walk out on me without warning or consideration, steal a lot of money from me and put me in a very bad position. But losing that relationship was a good thing, it was killing me and it was abusive. I am grateful that he is gone from my life and there is room for something much deeper, much more loving, much greater than anything I could have imagined. And now there is peace.
This gratitude has taken work, it hasn't come easily and realizing a lot of the things I came to understand was often accompanied by great pain. Spirit is kind, though. If we are willing to do the work we can reach a point, temporary though it is, of peace and love. In this moment I exist in a state of grace, loved by so many including myself, but Spirit as well. Life is hard, but there is great beauty to be had in it. Moments of grace, times when we are captured by sublime beauty, moments of laughter with people we love, gentle embraces, and deep loving emotion, are more common than we often realize. Our pain can bring us appreciation for those moments of grace and more grace comes with greater growth and understanding.
Someone said that when we feel pain, it is the pain leaving our bodies. We hold on so tight to it, fighting to keep it even when we know it is damaging us. Somehow we feel we'll be damaged more if we let it out and look at it, but we must. It means we have to understand the nature of the pain, what is causing it, its effect on ourselves and why we are allowing it to continue. Not many people are willing to admit that we are often responsible for its presence in our lives, mostly because we tolerate it, but we are responsible.
This moment is not a painful moment for me, it is a joyful one and because I have been willing to face my pain I have more joy in my life now than I have ever had. Peace, love, happiness are the rewards we get when we are willing to do the work in our lives that we must. We can all exist in a state of grace, in fact, we already do we just don't realize it. I know that more pain will come, it's inevitable, but for now I am enjoying the peace and happiness that is mine. It is here for us all.
The past year has not been easy. Next month it will be a year ago that I began a long, often painful journey and still I am walking it. Certainly things are not perfect. I'm still unemployed, which I hope to remedy soon, and that creates a shortage in my finances, and there are relationships in my life which are difficult. On the other hand, I have enough money for everything I need and there are relationships in my life which are rich and wonderful. My life is peaceful, though hectic, for the first time ever.
I've had a lot of conversations about what is important in life and how people come about finding fulfillment in the day-to-day. I've always believed that it's important to do work that makes you happy over work that makes you lots of money. Having space to be yourself, have your beliefs, live in the spiritual fashion that matches your truth, a significant relationship that is loving, respectful, meaningful and supportive of each person's growth and individuality, and of course, personal health are all incredibly important to having a happy life. All of these things take work, a lot of work, at a deeply personal level.
No one wants pain in their life, no one wants to feel hurt and sorrow, but all of these things come into our lives; they are the only real guarantee besides change. People, for the most part, would rather hold on to the hurt they know than face the hurt that will bring about change and growth. I used to be that way so I understand that and say it without judgment, but I think it's a mistake. Experiencing hurt because of personal work and growth can only help if we have the courage to face it honestly, with grace and openness, and the support of people who care about us. Experiencing hurt needlessly because our life isn't fulfilling doesn't bring us anything except pain.
I've often said that I'm willing to experience pain for a purpose, but not needlessly. That's somewhat new for me because I've experienced a lot of needless pain and I was the reason I was experiencing it. We don't have to stay in painful situations, whether they are due to physical maladies, bad relationships or a job that sucks our very souls. What we do need to do, however, is then be willing to face the pain that will bring about necessary change in our lives and that's never easy.
I'm lucky, I have a huge amount of supportive friends and loved ones who are willing and able to support me. They are my created family and I'm always somewhat stunned by their love and support whenever I see it in action. These are friends I've had for years, but never had access to because of the relationship I was in. It would be easy to be bitter about that, but in doing without them for so long I have a deep appreciation for their presence in my lives now.
I could be bitter about losing a job that had meaning for me, but the truth is that job was killing me and wasn't fulfilling in the way I wanted it to be. Losing my job was a good thing, overall, and now I have room to consider, make plans and find a job that will allow me to be home with my son until he is grown. Then I will create a career that fills my soul. The job I had kept me running so hard and fast I was never home and both my son and I suffered for it.
I could be bitter that someone I was with for 8 years, whom I trusted, would be abusive and hurtful, would walk out on me without warning or consideration, steal a lot of money from me and put me in a very bad position. But losing that relationship was a good thing, it was killing me and it was abusive. I am grateful that he is gone from my life and there is room for something much deeper, much more loving, much greater than anything I could have imagined. And now there is peace.
This gratitude has taken work, it hasn't come easily and realizing a lot of the things I came to understand was often accompanied by great pain. Spirit is kind, though. If we are willing to do the work we can reach a point, temporary though it is, of peace and love. In this moment I exist in a state of grace, loved by so many including myself, but Spirit as well. Life is hard, but there is great beauty to be had in it. Moments of grace, times when we are captured by sublime beauty, moments of laughter with people we love, gentle embraces, and deep loving emotion, are more common than we often realize. Our pain can bring us appreciation for those moments of grace and more grace comes with greater growth and understanding.
Someone said that when we feel pain, it is the pain leaving our bodies. We hold on so tight to it, fighting to keep it even when we know it is damaging us. Somehow we feel we'll be damaged more if we let it out and look at it, but we must. It means we have to understand the nature of the pain, what is causing it, its effect on ourselves and why we are allowing it to continue. Not many people are willing to admit that we are often responsible for its presence in our lives, mostly because we tolerate it, but we are responsible.
This moment is not a painful moment for me, it is a joyful one and because I have been willing to face my pain I have more joy in my life now than I have ever had. Peace, love, happiness are the rewards we get when we are willing to do the work in our lives that we must. We can all exist in a state of grace, in fact, we already do we just don't realize it. I know that more pain will come, it's inevitable, but for now I am enjoying the peace and happiness that is mine. It is here for us all.
Friday, July 22, 2011
That Which Shapes Us
Someone once asked me if I were to write down the story of my life to date what kind of story would it be? I answered her honestly not liking the answer, but knowing it to be true nonetheless, my story would be a sad one. Today is a sad day for me. I have family stuff happening which is taking an emotional toll and I have spent quite a bit of time this week thinking about various sad times in my life and today the emotions hit. I'm down today, full of sorrow for all that is happening and has happened. The more time that passes the more I am able to back up and really see the picture of the life that was mine and I don't like what I see.
Everyone experiences sorrow in their life for one reason or another. We all have situations in our lives that have tried and tested us and sometimes we're so busy surviving those situations we don't have enough time or attention to acknowledge that we are impacted by what is happening to us. Our experiences shape us in the moment and the people we emerge as may not be the same as the people we started as. But once those situations are over it is up to us to decide who we will be from that moment forward and how we will allow those situations will shape us.
I don't have to solely be the product of abusive and hurtful relationships, I don't have to be a girl who feels unwanted, rejected and unloved. I don't have to be just the daughter of an alcoholic. I am or have been all of those things at one time but they aren't the sole determiners of who I am. I don't have to turn a blind eye to the hurt I have experienced trying to pretend that it didn't make an impact and failing miserably in the attempt or blame everyone else for all the bad things that have happened in my life. Doing that creates vulnerabilities and weak spots that keep me in an unhealthy place of emotional pain. I am no longer the hand steering the ship, I become controlled by the tides of unacknowledged emotions, subject to aimlessly wander without compass or guiding star, repeating the same mistakes over and over again and cursing the cruelty of life. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want the present or future story of my life to sound like that.
So while I embrace the pain that has come up today, I am mindful of how I will allow it to shape me. Instead of creating flawed, weak places I choose to become stronger and sharper. I can acknowledge the pain, the abuse, my mistakes and my choices with courage and grace. I can embrace the part of me that wants to lay my head down and cry with abandon and carefully hold my heart while I do so. I can be compassionate for the part of me that burns with shame over the things I have done that have caused pain and injury to myself and others. I can carefully cradle the little girl who wants to be loved despite the fact that I am not what my family would like me to be and despite all of the things I have done and promise her she will never be rejected or neglected by me again. I can give myself the space to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, I can incorporate the lessons these experiences have provided and, above all, I can forgive myself. In doing all of these things I will walk away a stronger and better person, forged instead of warped and able to move forward.
It seems that I come to this place over and over again in my process of healing, but as I continue to grow and learn I see the story from a new perspective and all the feelings arise again. I need to honor those feelings and I need to accept the story. That which shapes us has only as much creative control as we allow. Do I want to be shaped by my experiences or do I want to shape myself? Do I want to say that my life has been sad so that's the story I'll accept and why try for anything better or do I want to learn from the sadness of the past, accept responsibility for the part that is mine and move into a brighter future? The choice is mine. I am the creator of my future, the shape of my life is sculpted by me. I choose the form it will take and if I have anything to say about it, it will be a happier story than my past. The story of my life to date has been a sad story full of pain and sorrow. The story of my future life will be as bright as I can possibly make it. I am that which shapes me.
Everyone experiences sorrow in their life for one reason or another. We all have situations in our lives that have tried and tested us and sometimes we're so busy surviving those situations we don't have enough time or attention to acknowledge that we are impacted by what is happening to us. Our experiences shape us in the moment and the people we emerge as may not be the same as the people we started as. But once those situations are over it is up to us to decide who we will be from that moment forward and how we will allow those situations will shape us.
I don't have to solely be the product of abusive and hurtful relationships, I don't have to be a girl who feels unwanted, rejected and unloved. I don't have to be just the daughter of an alcoholic. I am or have been all of those things at one time but they aren't the sole determiners of who I am. I don't have to turn a blind eye to the hurt I have experienced trying to pretend that it didn't make an impact and failing miserably in the attempt or blame everyone else for all the bad things that have happened in my life. Doing that creates vulnerabilities and weak spots that keep me in an unhealthy place of emotional pain. I am no longer the hand steering the ship, I become controlled by the tides of unacknowledged emotions, subject to aimlessly wander without compass or guiding star, repeating the same mistakes over and over again and cursing the cruelty of life. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want the present or future story of my life to sound like that.
So while I embrace the pain that has come up today, I am mindful of how I will allow it to shape me. Instead of creating flawed, weak places I choose to become stronger and sharper. I can acknowledge the pain, the abuse, my mistakes and my choices with courage and grace. I can embrace the part of me that wants to lay my head down and cry with abandon and carefully hold my heart while I do so. I can be compassionate for the part of me that burns with shame over the things I have done that have caused pain and injury to myself and others. I can carefully cradle the little girl who wants to be loved despite the fact that I am not what my family would like me to be and despite all of the things I have done and promise her she will never be rejected or neglected by me again. I can give myself the space to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, I can incorporate the lessons these experiences have provided and, above all, I can forgive myself. In doing all of these things I will walk away a stronger and better person, forged instead of warped and able to move forward.
It seems that I come to this place over and over again in my process of healing, but as I continue to grow and learn I see the story from a new perspective and all the feelings arise again. I need to honor those feelings and I need to accept the story. That which shapes us has only as much creative control as we allow. Do I want to be shaped by my experiences or do I want to shape myself? Do I want to say that my life has been sad so that's the story I'll accept and why try for anything better or do I want to learn from the sadness of the past, accept responsibility for the part that is mine and move into a brighter future? The choice is mine. I am the creator of my future, the shape of my life is sculpted by me. I choose the form it will take and if I have anything to say about it, it will be a happier story than my past. The story of my life to date has been a sad story full of pain and sorrow. The story of my future life will be as bright as I can possibly make it. I am that which shapes me.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Love that Must Come from Within
I had a troubling yet revealing conversation last night which led me down a path of deep thought and some very necessary self-honesty. It has been 10 months since the abusive relationship I was in ended. I have spent a lot of this time processing through all the details of that relationship and trying to understand the effects of it on me and my son as well as the role I played in the abuse and that relationship.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)