A Gift of Love

This one's gong to be a long one, I've got a lot to say.

As I mentioned in my last post I was let go from my job on Tuesday, May 10th.  It wasn't a surprise, I saw the action coming. I had been watching the whole plan unfold in front of me from the time I took the position in January until it was finally done.  It's been a week and a half and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone at all.  I didn't want to talk about what happened because I was angry and upset,  felt the action was unjustified and part of one person's plan to control and manipulate the Board of Directors by continuing to bring specious claims against me so I would look bad in their eyes.  I was angry, understandably so.

One of the things a therapist I worked with used to say to me was that anger was a secondary emotion, it never occurs alone.  If you look past the anger that you're feeling you will find another emotion hiding underneath the anger, fueling it so it will burn bright enough that you don't see the primary emotion sitting there.  Today I was presented with that primary emotion and it all became clear to me why I hadn't wanted to talk about what happened.  I felt hurt for so many reasons and now I am able to embrace it and understand it.

Here's the thing, I studied psychology because I was clear that I wanted to make a difference by helping people.  Through the process of my education I became disillusioned about the current perspective of modern psychology and therapy in particular, and its ability to actually help people in any sustainable and meaningful way.  By the time I graduated I was looking at going in a completely different direction because I understood that anything I chose that conformed to an academic or corporate standard was going to be compromised from the get go.

During the course of my studies I began volunteering at a local rape crisis center.  When I first heard you could do that I immediately wanted to volunteer because what better way to help people than to be there to offer support throughout a person's worst possible night?  Being a rape crisis advocate was a labor of love for me and I felt privileged and blessed to have found the organization and the work because it definitely filled a need for me.  After volunteering there for about a year and half I was hired to work there doing prevention and education in the community schools to educate kids about keeping themselves safe and how to recognize the dangers of sexual assault.  This job was a dream come true for me.  It was an opportunity to make a difference in my community and to serve an organization whose whole purpose and mission was the healing of survivors of sexual assault and the prevention of sexual assault for individuals in the community and the community at large.  It was a house of healing and empowerment and I got to contribute a little piece in making that vision a reality.  I felt blessed.

About a month into my working there I was given an additional job as the bookkeeper because I had a huge amount of experience as a bookkeeper and it was nice that those skills could be put to use again for a mission I believed in and supported.  Since the organization was 98% grant funded accurate bookkeeping and responsible fiscal management were absolutely required to help keep the doors open.  Every community needs a rape crisis center and when the doors shut on them it hurts everyone.

A month later, I decided to apply for the Executive Director's position.  I did so with some hesitation and concern because I didn't have a lot of management experience, especially in terms of a non-profit.  I hadn't much grant writing experience and no grant management experience.  I wasn't sure I was up to the job and I didn't want to fail an organization that I felt was a vital asset to the community.  However, looking at the applications that were coming in I felt I would be the best person to take leadership of that organization because I had an intimate understanding of how it was supposed to work.  So I applied and got the job.

I have a rather non-corporate view of management.  My default is to manage from an empowerment model, offering staff opportunities to develop their own skill sets so they can grow and move upward in their career path.  I feel the best supervisors do not supervise from the top down but support from the bottom up giving their staff all that they need in order to do the jobs they have to do.  In any crisis center it can be a very stressful and emotionally demanding environment.  My job was to ease the stress as much as I could, give them all the resources at my fingertips and know where to get more if need be.  From my perspective my staff shouldn't worry about how they are going to do their job and shouldn't have to worry about caring for themselves or their family because that takes away from their ability to perform well and everyone needed to be at the top of their game.

But moreover, my position as the Executive Director was my opportunity to pour all the love I bear for humanity into our volunteers, my staff and our survivors.  I've taken a lot of criticism over the years about my desire to help, my deep love for humanity and the joy I get out of lending a hand without expectation of anything in return, people don't understand that.  In this position and in this place I didn't have to explain that I could just give it.  My own heart would be healed when I could see that something I did fed a piece of someone's soul.   I have to admit it was somewhat backwards because I would give to them what I couldn't give to myself, but it was also deeper than that.  It is the fact that we are all connected and when one of us is healed, all of us our healed to some degree.  It took the hurt and pain caused by a horrible injustice and righted it a little not just for a survivor or a staff member or a volunteer but for all of us.

Shortly after I took the position it became clear that accomplishing my own personal mission and the mission of the organization wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped.  Some members of the Board of Directors, a volunteer to the Board and a staff member didn't like the way I managed, didn't agree with my priorities and began a slow but steady campaign that ultimately led to my termination.  The Board began to micromanage and dealing with some of them began to take on eerie similarities to my recent abusive relationship.  Their treatment of me and the actions of one staff member who was tightly connected to certain members of the Board hurt not only me but other staff members, volunteers and clients as well.  The situation was not good and ultimately led not just to my termination but two others as well, equally unjust  and totally without cause.

Today, I ran into a friend and a previous co-worker who was also a casualty of this sad and unfortunate action.  She shared with me the words that others have shared with her upon hearing about all that happened to us.  It was the words words of volunteers and clients about their hurt over my termination that brought me to realize the pain and the hurt I have felt over all that has happened.  I didn't want to acknowledge the pain because I didn't want the Board and this staff member to have the ability to hurt me.  But here's what I've learned about that thus far.  It's not really about the emotion I experienced as a result of their misguided actions, that's not what is important here.  What is important is the statement their actions make about the environment that operates not just in my sad little community but in communities and corporations all over the world.  We are all hurt by injustice and it happens on a daily basis everywhere.

When any one of us experiences hurt or injustice we are all hurt.  We are all connected by Spirit and what happens to one of us happens to us all.  What has been really profound for me is not what I experienced specifically but what I have heard from other people once they realized I was gone.  They say the organization is not the same, that you can feel the spirit of me all over that organization and that the love and care that I poured into the organization and the people in it, volunteers, staff and survivors alike is only a memory, that is the greatest tragedy of all.

What was ultimately a power play for a few select people on the Board was a labor of love for me and for the other staff members who were let go.  The Board has allowed their myopic, group-think perspective to dominate their actions so much so that they didn't bother to even investigate the claims that were made against us.  They have taken people away who worked from their heart, who would have done the work for free, who sacrificed time with their families, their own needs and sometimes their own well-being in light of their dedication to easing the pain of another,  that did not matter to them.  That people who truly loved what they did, who they served and who gave their love and support in a place where love should be paramount was not of any consideration.  The care of the clients didn't figure at all in their actions, only the preservation of their power and that is what hurts me more than anything.

This is such a common problem and is not the first time I have run afoul of it.  Previous times, however, it happened in corporations where I'm sad to say I rather expected it.  I didn't expect it in an organization that is supposed to be dedicated to the empowerment and healing of other people.  I didn't expect injustice to reign in an organization that was supposed to support survivors in their own quest for justice.  I didn't expect a house of healing to cause so much hurt and to continue to let the actions of one insecure, inappropriate person rule the adequately working brains of people whose job it was to support that organization.

Maybe I'm naive for not expecting these things, but in my mind we shouldn't expect them, we should be motivated to action by them.  We should not take the stance that this is the world we live in and these things are just going to happen, because the power hungry overlords will cannibalize anyone for their own personal gain and run roughshod over the rest of us who are trying to make this a better place.  Part of taking self-responsibility is taking responsibility for the world we live in and realizing that our actions and inactions make an impact on what that world looks like and the environment in which we all get to live.

Have they taken away my ablity to pour love out to people and make a difference in my community?  Of course not.  But I am deeply saddened by the actions of those who don't have the welfare of their fellow humans uppermost in their minds, and instead value their own personal power and welfare above all that is decent and good.  And I am saddened for those who have been hurt by all that has happened at my former place of employment, including my friends and co-workers and yes, even me.  It was a gift of love and for the sake of power they just threw it all away.

So I am continuing to process this, ensuring I sit and reflect upon it and am trying to walk away with as many lessons learned as I can so this experience does not go to waste.  My heart hurts for the survivors who were going to call me and let me know the outcome of their situations.  Will they find someone they can trust enough to talk with there?  I hope so.  Does this change who I am?  No, I am so much more than my job or my feelings or even my desire to help.  Those things come out of who I am, they don't define who I am.  So for now I mourn the loss of a dream and a vision that made it possible for me to get up, go to work and give it my all even when the environment was abusive and hurtful because it was for the sake of the people I served, volunteers, staff, clients and community members alike that I did it and I found meaning in it.  We all have a gift of love to give, we should be able to give it.