Responsibility

I had an enlightening conversation with a friend this evening in which I came to understand the part I have played in the downfall of all my relationships, romantic and otherwise.  I realized that I have held others responsible for the outcome of those relationships and that I made my responsibility in working toward the betterment of the relationship contingent upon the actions of the other people involved.  If they didn't behave or act the way I thought they should I didn't continue to work at.  I would feel hurt and victimized and justify my behavior as a reaction to what it is they had done.  The problem with that is that's not what relationships are all about.  Regardless of someone else's behavior I am capable of and have responsibility to act in a way that benefits the relationship.  My behavior cannot be based on the actions of others but must be based on action that is healing and loving for all concerned because I am an equal partner in that relationship, not a victim and not a bystander.

That I did this causes me a great deal of pain because I have wrongfully blamed everyone else for my own behavior and for all the things that went wrong between us.  As was pointed out to me I was in a position to heal and help others but I didn't do that even though I had the capacity to do so.  I am especially saddened because in any relationship we are quite vulnerable and to have treated these people in this way must have hurt them considerably and I was the person delivering that hurt.  I have talked about the love I have to give and my desire to ease the hurts of others as well as my own, but I must pay attention to my behavior and be aware of the quality of love that I am offering while understanding that my own behavior could contribute to their pain.

To satisfy my own sense of obligation I would work on the surface issues and would change my behavior somewhat, but certainly not in any sustainable way, only on the surface.  As Ken Wilber discusses in "A Brief History of Everything" however, working only on the surface, without including the interior pathway lacks depth.  There is no interior truth and that is exactly what was going on with me.  I was so busy looking at everything but my own internal process that I would not see how I was hurting the interaction and the other people involved.

To say that this is not the person I wish to be is an incredible understatement.  I don't wish to treat the people I interact with, work with and care about like this and I deeply regret my behavior.  My love should not be conditional based on my judgment of another person's worthiness.  I am no one to judge a person's worthiness and it doesn't figure into the equation in any case.  Love is a gift given freely and any relationship in any context takes authentic effort on each person's behalf.

So now the work is about understanding all of this, seeing the entire picture, accepting and forgiving myself while truly embracing my forgiveness of the other people because I have no right to hold them accountable for actions in which I was complicit.  That I acted in such an unhealthy way is awful and completely unacceptable to me, but to continue to behave in this fashion would be worse.  So I must bring the work deeper to the interior pathway and through that process the exterior behavior will be more authentically congruent with the person I am working to become.  Above all, I must accept responsibility to always work to find the better path when the road gets rocky because that's the deal in a relationship.  This is exactly what I must do because chances are if the other person is behaving in a hurtful way they are hurting and to do otherwise only exacerbates the pain for everyone involved.