It starts out innocuously enough, you don't mean to over schedule you just want to help a friend out, you don't realize how much time it's going to take. Then you haven't seen another friend in a really long time so you make time to go see them. Next you're working on something with some other friends and that needs your time and attention so you attend to that. Your other friends are moving and this is the last chance to see them so you take off to go see them. Family is complaining you haven't been very available lately so you go see them. You have a child, or two or three and they need attention so you attend to them. Then all the household stuff needs to be done so you aren't living in a bug-infested heap so you go and attend to that. You don't mean to get so busy there's no time to think, reflect, study, read, consider, meditate, sleep...it just happens.
Last Tuesday I lost my job and you would think I would have a lot of time on my hands. I don't. I'm home more than I was when I was working but often those are in five minute increments between other things I have to run off and do. Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it keeps you from doing important, self-care type things the busyness becomes an obstacle to our development.
On Sunday I spent time with my dear friend Beth who is one of the most deeply spiritual people I know. She is a UU minister so it's not much of a surprise that she is deeply spiritual and we have some of the best conversations about our own spiritual and emotional processes, life and everything else. At one point during our conversation I looked at her and said that I felt as though I had hit a plateau in my spiritual development. We talked about why I felt that way, what I needed to do to resolve it, reasons why that might have happened, etc. but after talking I still didn't feel that I had a clue.
Today I finally took some time to sit and reflect on what is going on. I realize that spiritual development isn't something that just happens because we want it to or in the time frame we would like it to, but when you are working on any type of development at all there is a sense of the task at hand and I don't have a sense of the task at hand. Thankfully, a friend posted Steven Barnes' blog about adult responsibility and it was exactly what I needed to see. Okay, my busyness hasn't gotten completely out of hand yet, but it could if I continue to operate the way I have been.
Really it comes down to a matter of prioritizing. I did a little dialogue with myself to process through what is going on and the first thing that I realized was I'm not home enough to give myself the time I need to be still and quiet so I can process everything that is going on with me. When I was working 50+ hours a week that was a bit more understandable, but now I don't have that excuse. My job isn't requiring this crazy schedule, I'm creating it for myself. The other thing I realized is that there is an element of fear at work here that has been stopping me from creating the time and space I need to develop the life I really want. But fear can't stop me, because if I let fear stop me every time I need to do something I'll never get anything done.
It was time to take myself in hand and have a firm conversation with myself which is exactly what I did. Steve Barnes pointed out that we often accept excuses from ourselves that we would never accept from our children. Well, that can't continue to happen. However, instead of coming down with righteous wrath on myself I need to deal with myself in the same way I would deal with my child, with a good balance of firmness, humor, acceptance and love. So in my dialogue I did that and although I didn't let myself get away with any lame excuses I also laughed a lot at the illusion I had created.
I've made a lot of commitments this week and at this point letting go of any of them would let people I care about down so I am going to ride out the rest of the week knowing that as I begin scheduling for next week my priorities must come first and cannot be shoved aside for something more pleasant or easier to do. Is it difficult to do this? Yes and no. We all struggle with doing things we don't want to do, but really, in the end, if you step back from all the feelings you are having and look at the bigger picture it's not hard to do. Either you are going to create the life you want or you won't, it's up to you not some magical intervention on your behalf. God isn't going to reach a hand down from the Heavens and rearrange everything for me, I have to do it. It's about accepting responsibility for my life and mine is the only hand that can create the life I want.
Am I going to screw up? Inevitably, but that doesn't mean you throw the whole thing out the window and decide you just can't do it. You get as many chances as it takes until you stop drawing breath. Sure, some opportunities get lost if you don't move quickly enough but others come your way, you just have to be open. So now, I am going to accept responsibility for the schedule I have created and really look at what my life needs, what I want and how to accomplish it. It's not that difficult to do. Getting past the feelings such as the fear, the inadequacy, the guilt and whatever else comes up is really the hardest part because that's the part that messes with our brain. Ultimately though, they're just feelings, a chemical dump of neurotransmitters that don't necessarily represent reality or truth. So dive in, shake yourself by the scruff of your neck if you need to and then give yourself a hug afterwards but take up your life. I'm taking up mine and I accept the responsibility for creating it and maintaining. It's supposed to be what I want, right? So, go for it!
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