Someone once asked me if I were to write down the story of my life to date what kind of story would it be? I answered her honestly not liking the answer, but knowing it to be true nonetheless, my story would be a sad one. Today is a sad day for me. I have family stuff happening which is taking an emotional toll and I have spent quite a bit of time this week thinking about various sad times in my life and today the emotions hit. I'm down today, full of sorrow for all that is happening and has happened. The more time that passes the more I am able to back up and really see the picture of the life that was mine and I don't like what I see.
Everyone experiences sorrow in their life for one reason or another. We all have situations in our lives that have tried and tested us and sometimes we're so busy surviving those situations we don't have enough time or attention to acknowledge that we are impacted by what is happening to us. Our experiences shape us in the moment and the people we emerge as may not be the same as the people we started as. But once those situations are over it is up to us to decide who we will be from that moment forward and how we will allow those situations will shape us.
I don't have to solely be the product of abusive and hurtful relationships, I don't have to be a girl who feels unwanted, rejected and unloved. I don't have to be just the daughter of an alcoholic. I am or have been all of those things at one time but they aren't the sole determiners of who I am. I don't have to turn a blind eye to the hurt I have experienced trying to pretend that it didn't make an impact and failing miserably in the attempt or blame everyone else for all the bad things that have happened in my life. Doing that creates vulnerabilities and weak spots that keep me in an unhealthy place of emotional pain. I am no longer the hand steering the ship, I become controlled by the tides of unacknowledged emotions, subject to aimlessly wander without compass or guiding star, repeating the same mistakes over and over again and cursing the cruelty of life. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want the present or future story of my life to sound like that.
So while I embrace the pain that has come up today, I am mindful of how I will allow it to shape me. Instead of creating flawed, weak places I choose to become stronger and sharper. I can acknowledge the pain, the abuse, my mistakes and my choices with courage and grace. I can embrace the part of me that wants to lay my head down and cry with abandon and carefully hold my heart while I do so. I can be compassionate for the part of me that burns with shame over the things I have done that have caused pain and injury to myself and others. I can carefully cradle the little girl who wants to be loved despite the fact that I am not what my family would like me to be and despite all of the things I have done and promise her she will never be rejected or neglected by me again. I can give myself the space to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, I can incorporate the lessons these experiences have provided and, above all, I can forgive myself. In doing all of these things I will walk away a stronger and better person, forged instead of warped and able to move forward.
It seems that I come to this place over and over again in my process of healing, but as I continue to grow and learn I see the story from a new perspective and all the feelings arise again. I need to honor those feelings and I need to accept the story. That which shapes us has only as much creative control as we allow. Do I want to be shaped by my experiences or do I want to shape myself? Do I want to say that my life has been sad so that's the story I'll accept and why try for anything better or do I want to learn from the sadness of the past, accept responsibility for the part that is mine and move into a brighter future? The choice is mine. I am the creator of my future, the shape of my life is sculpted by me. I choose the form it will take and if I have anything to say about it, it will be a happier story than my past. The story of my life to date has been a sad story full of pain and sorrow. The story of my future life will be as bright as I can possibly make it. I am that which shapes me.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Love that Must Come from Within
I had a troubling yet revealing conversation last night which led me down a path of deep thought and some very necessary self-honesty. It has been 10 months since the abusive relationship I was in ended. I have spent a lot of this time processing through all the details of that relationship and trying to understand the effects of it on me and my son as well as the role I played in the abuse and that relationship.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Lose Yourself in Love
Tonight I went to chant with Krishna Das in the company of my dear friend Beth and my new friend Michael. I don't know why I don't just take tissue with me when I go to these things because inevitably the performer says something profound and I start to cry. You think I would learn to expect tears of some sort, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears of sadness but no, I still think I'll get through an evening of kirtan without crying and it hasn't happened yet.
Tonight KD shared a story about advice his guru gave to a new Westerner who had come to his temple to learn. When asked why this new person had come to the temple, in desperation to find something to say he asked the guru, "Can you teach me how to meditate?" Neem Karoli Baba told him to meditate like Christ and then sent him to the back of the room with all the other Westerners.
As the Westerners all got to know each other they asked this newcomer what Neem Karoli Baba had said to him and when he told them, none of them knew what it meant. So later, Ram Dass asked his guru what he meant by meditating like Christ. How did Christ meditate? Apparently Neem Karoli Baba became very still and silent. Then two tears fell down his cheek and he said to them, "He lost himself in love." That was it, I was undone.
I know what it means to lose yourself in love. Not in the inappropriate, pathological way, but in the deep, boundless, encompassing way that we all have access to in every moment, in every breath. I know what that is, I know what that feels like and I know how to do it. I just had so many people telling me over and over again that I shouldn't feel that way that I started thinking I was doing something wrong. I would hear, "Not everyone deserves love and compassion, some people don't deserve what you have to give them." Oh yeah? I disagree. I was called Joan of Arc, Pollyana, tree-hugger and co-dependent. My desire to love and care for people caused problems in my family and in my relationships because no one could understand why I did the things I did and I was at a loss to explain it.
Don't get me wrong, I did eventually cross the healthy threshold and go into a place where the love I felt became toxic and where I cut myself off from the boundless love of the Divine and then everything went to shambles. I lost sight of who I was, I didn't know how to be someone who didn't move from love so I put my new identity in the hands of others and let them create a Christi I did not recognize and I did not understand. Was it their fault? No, I'm the one who shoved myself aside in favor of someone else who didn't belong to me and I did it all in the name of acceptance and love. I wanted my family to love me, I wanted the guy I was with to love me. If being kind and compassionate caused so many problems to so many people close to me then maybe they had a point and I needed not to feel that way.
So fast forward to now. Here I am a 37-year-old woman, single mom, unemployed, still (always) on my spiritual quest and having to figure out who it is I am. You know who I am? I'm love. We're all love whether we are able to see it or not and that loving energy that we all seek so desperately is out there all around us just waiting for us to see it. We take it in as easily as breathing. It's not hard, we just think it is but we fool ourselves thinking we have to do certain things, achieve certain understandings, become better people, blah, blah,blah, blah. At least I thought those things. Well, we don't.
All that keeps us from love is ourselves and the lies we tell ourselves every day. We get so caught up in who we think we are and what we think we're doing that we lose that connection to our true selves. It's easy for it to happen, there's so much input every day from the people close to us, the media, our own crazy internal dialogue and we lose our connection to the understanding that we are love. That's why meditation is so important because it gives us that quiet space in which to reconnect, where all the messages that pass through our awareness have no place and have no voice, we can sit in the truth of our authentic nature.
As I sat in the hall, chanting with tears falling down my cheeks I thought to myself, why? Why did this happen and why has it taken me so long to remember? Honestly, if I hadn't gone to chant with KD tonight how much longer would it have taken me to get back here? The question of how long doesn't really matter, that's ego talking, the important question is what kept me from getting here in the first place?
So tonight I have embraced love and the loving self that is me. I know the difference between losing myself in an unhealthy way and losing myself in a healthy way, I have experienced both. I surrender to love in every way possible and I'm going to change my meditation practice to include the lovingkindness meditation because that helps me stay connected with that loving energy. We are all love, love is our birthright. We just have to stop fighting it, surrender and lose ourselves in love. It's okay, we'll still be here, we'll just be more loving, happier individuals.
Namaste.
Tonight KD shared a story about advice his guru gave to a new Westerner who had come to his temple to learn. When asked why this new person had come to the temple, in desperation to find something to say he asked the guru, "Can you teach me how to meditate?" Neem Karoli Baba told him to meditate like Christ and then sent him to the back of the room with all the other Westerners.
As the Westerners all got to know each other they asked this newcomer what Neem Karoli Baba had said to him and when he told them, none of them knew what it meant. So later, Ram Dass asked his guru what he meant by meditating like Christ. How did Christ meditate? Apparently Neem Karoli Baba became very still and silent. Then two tears fell down his cheek and he said to them, "He lost himself in love." That was it, I was undone.
I know what it means to lose yourself in love. Not in the inappropriate, pathological way, but in the deep, boundless, encompassing way that we all have access to in every moment, in every breath. I know what that is, I know what that feels like and I know how to do it. I just had so many people telling me over and over again that I shouldn't feel that way that I started thinking I was doing something wrong. I would hear, "Not everyone deserves love and compassion, some people don't deserve what you have to give them." Oh yeah? I disagree. I was called Joan of Arc, Pollyana, tree-hugger and co-dependent. My desire to love and care for people caused problems in my family and in my relationships because no one could understand why I did the things I did and I was at a loss to explain it.
Don't get me wrong, I did eventually cross the healthy threshold and go into a place where the love I felt became toxic and where I cut myself off from the boundless love of the Divine and then everything went to shambles. I lost sight of who I was, I didn't know how to be someone who didn't move from love so I put my new identity in the hands of others and let them create a Christi I did not recognize and I did not understand. Was it their fault? No, I'm the one who shoved myself aside in favor of someone else who didn't belong to me and I did it all in the name of acceptance and love. I wanted my family to love me, I wanted the guy I was with to love me. If being kind and compassionate caused so many problems to so many people close to me then maybe they had a point and I needed not to feel that way.
So fast forward to now. Here I am a 37-year-old woman, single mom, unemployed, still (always) on my spiritual quest and having to figure out who it is I am. You know who I am? I'm love. We're all love whether we are able to see it or not and that loving energy that we all seek so desperately is out there all around us just waiting for us to see it. We take it in as easily as breathing. It's not hard, we just think it is but we fool ourselves thinking we have to do certain things, achieve certain understandings, become better people, blah, blah,blah, blah. At least I thought those things. Well, we don't.
All that keeps us from love is ourselves and the lies we tell ourselves every day. We get so caught up in who we think we are and what we think we're doing that we lose that connection to our true selves. It's easy for it to happen, there's so much input every day from the people close to us, the media, our own crazy internal dialogue and we lose our connection to the understanding that we are love. That's why meditation is so important because it gives us that quiet space in which to reconnect, where all the messages that pass through our awareness have no place and have no voice, we can sit in the truth of our authentic nature.
As I sat in the hall, chanting with tears falling down my cheeks I thought to myself, why? Why did this happen and why has it taken me so long to remember? Honestly, if I hadn't gone to chant with KD tonight how much longer would it have taken me to get back here? The question of how long doesn't really matter, that's ego talking, the important question is what kept me from getting here in the first place?
So tonight I have embraced love and the loving self that is me. I know the difference between losing myself in an unhealthy way and losing myself in a healthy way, I have experienced both. I surrender to love in every way possible and I'm going to change my meditation practice to include the lovingkindness meditation because that helps me stay connected with that loving energy. We are all love, love is our birthright. We just have to stop fighting it, surrender and lose ourselves in love. It's okay, we'll still be here, we'll just be more loving, happier individuals.
Namaste.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Everyone Needs a History
The phrase "Everyone needs a history" came to my attention recently. I couldn't help but think that was a silly phrase because everyone has a history and more often than not we don't even want the whole history. We want to pick and choose the parts of our history that we like the best and which we think others will like the best while we try and discard the more painful, less pleasant aspects of our lives. I know, I've done that and it usually has to do with my inability to accept the reality of my life; I really don't like some parts of it. I want my story to be different than what it is, brighter and happier with more successes and fewer failures, more joy and less sorrow, more security and less fear. But no matter what my desires are for my personal history the story is already written and the outcome of my story unfolds now and also is currently in the making.
I think it's an important moment when you realize that you are standing at a point between, a place in which we constantly abide but with fluctuating levels of conscious awareness about what it really means to be at the balance point of our past and future. All that we have been, our experiences, our thoughts, our physical bodies, our emotions, our roles have synthesized to help shape who we are in this very moment and the life situation in which we find ourselves. If we aren't happy with the view of that past vista or our present position we only have the current moment in which to change it.
That being said, we can't effectively change our lives or ourselves without truly embracing our past. It is not only the bright, shiny things that make up who we are and denying the dark, scary things doesn't make them go away, ameliorate their effects on our lives or change the fact that they happened. You can't amputate a part of your life experience just because you don't like it and refusing to acknowledge it only makes it cry louder to be heard and to be embraced.
In my own experience I've talked quite a bit with people about my past relationship and the fact that it was abusive. I could talk about the relationship being abusive, I could talk about my partner being abusive. I couldn't talk about myself as an abused person nor could I admit that I took a hand in my own abuse. When I finally did come to see that I was angry and I thought I was angry because it seemed as though here I was kickin' down the cobblestones of life when once again an ugly reality from my past came up to bite me in the ankle. How dare that happen! I've been processing all this stuff, I've been talking about it, I've moved on. But in fact, I had just avoided taking my processing a level further and really seeing myself and my contribution to that experience. It wasn't a new piece of information that I had come across, it was the same old thing rearing it's ugly visage because I hadn't dealt with it yet and it was time.
As I work to reclaim and rebuild my life I'm aware that all I have is now and yet my history doesn't escape me. I can choose the aspects of my past that will help to shape my future only if I embrace all of my past, otherwise my past specters will silently wend their way into my future creation and undermine the foundation I am so carefully trying to build. Denying our history we become prisoners of it. Embracing our history frees us from its confines and pathological influences. Upon reflection the phrase "Everyone needs a history" doesn't seem so silly anymore.
I think it's an important moment when you realize that you are standing at a point between, a place in which we constantly abide but with fluctuating levels of conscious awareness about what it really means to be at the balance point of our past and future. All that we have been, our experiences, our thoughts, our physical bodies, our emotions, our roles have synthesized to help shape who we are in this very moment and the life situation in which we find ourselves. If we aren't happy with the view of that past vista or our present position we only have the current moment in which to change it.
That being said, we can't effectively change our lives or ourselves without truly embracing our past. It is not only the bright, shiny things that make up who we are and denying the dark, scary things doesn't make them go away, ameliorate their effects on our lives or change the fact that they happened. You can't amputate a part of your life experience just because you don't like it and refusing to acknowledge it only makes it cry louder to be heard and to be embraced.
In my own experience I've talked quite a bit with people about my past relationship and the fact that it was abusive. I could talk about the relationship being abusive, I could talk about my partner being abusive. I couldn't talk about myself as an abused person nor could I admit that I took a hand in my own abuse. When I finally did come to see that I was angry and I thought I was angry because it seemed as though here I was kickin' down the cobblestones of life when once again an ugly reality from my past came up to bite me in the ankle. How dare that happen! I've been processing all this stuff, I've been talking about it, I've moved on. But in fact, I had just avoided taking my processing a level further and really seeing myself and my contribution to that experience. It wasn't a new piece of information that I had come across, it was the same old thing rearing it's ugly visage because I hadn't dealt with it yet and it was time.
As I work to reclaim and rebuild my life I'm aware that all I have is now and yet my history doesn't escape me. I can choose the aspects of my past that will help to shape my future only if I embrace all of my past, otherwise my past specters will silently wend their way into my future creation and undermine the foundation I am so carefully trying to build. Denying our history we become prisoners of it. Embracing our history frees us from its confines and pathological influences. Upon reflection the phrase "Everyone needs a history" doesn't seem so silly anymore.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Responsibility
I had an enlightening conversation with a friend this evening in which I came to understand the part I have played in the downfall of all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. I realized that I have held others responsible for the outcome of those relationships and that I made my responsibility in working toward the betterment of the relationship contingent upon the actions of the other people involved. If they didn't behave or act the way I thought they should I didn't continue to work at. I would feel hurt and victimized and justify my behavior as a reaction to what it is they had done. The problem with that is that's not what relationships are all about. Regardless of someone else's behavior I am capable of and have responsibility to act in a way that benefits the relationship. My behavior cannot be based on the actions of others but must be based on action that is healing and loving for all concerned because I am an equal partner in that relationship, not a victim and not a bystander.
That I did this causes me a great deal of pain because I have wrongfully blamed everyone else for my own behavior and for all the things that went wrong between us. As was pointed out to me I was in a position to heal and help others but I didn't do that even though I had the capacity to do so. I am especially saddened because in any relationship we are quite vulnerable and to have treated these people in this way must have hurt them considerably and I was the person delivering that hurt. I have talked about the love I have to give and my desire to ease the hurts of others as well as my own, but I must pay attention to my behavior and be aware of the quality of love that I am offering while understanding that my own behavior could contribute to their pain.
To satisfy my own sense of obligation I would work on the surface issues and would change my behavior somewhat, but certainly not in any sustainable way, only on the surface. As Ken Wilber discusses in "A Brief History of Everything" however, working only on the surface, without including the interior pathway lacks depth. There is no interior truth and that is exactly what was going on with me. I was so busy looking at everything but my own internal process that I would not see how I was hurting the interaction and the other people involved.
To say that this is not the person I wish to be is an incredible understatement. I don't wish to treat the people I interact with, work with and care about like this and I deeply regret my behavior. My love should not be conditional based on my judgment of another person's worthiness. I am no one to judge a person's worthiness and it doesn't figure into the equation in any case. Love is a gift given freely and any relationship in any context takes authentic effort on each person's behalf.
So now the work is about understanding all of this, seeing the entire picture, accepting and forgiving myself while truly embracing my forgiveness of the other people because I have no right to hold them accountable for actions in which I was complicit. That I acted in such an unhealthy way is awful and completely unacceptable to me, but to continue to behave in this fashion would be worse. So I must bring the work deeper to the interior pathway and through that process the exterior behavior will be more authentically congruent with the person I am working to become. Above all, I must accept responsibility to always work to find the better path when the road gets rocky because that's the deal in a relationship. This is exactly what I must do because chances are if the other person is behaving in a hurtful way they are hurting and to do otherwise only exacerbates the pain for everyone involved.
That I did this causes me a great deal of pain because I have wrongfully blamed everyone else for my own behavior and for all the things that went wrong between us. As was pointed out to me I was in a position to heal and help others but I didn't do that even though I had the capacity to do so. I am especially saddened because in any relationship we are quite vulnerable and to have treated these people in this way must have hurt them considerably and I was the person delivering that hurt. I have talked about the love I have to give and my desire to ease the hurts of others as well as my own, but I must pay attention to my behavior and be aware of the quality of love that I am offering while understanding that my own behavior could contribute to their pain.
To satisfy my own sense of obligation I would work on the surface issues and would change my behavior somewhat, but certainly not in any sustainable way, only on the surface. As Ken Wilber discusses in "A Brief History of Everything" however, working only on the surface, without including the interior pathway lacks depth. There is no interior truth and that is exactly what was going on with me. I was so busy looking at everything but my own internal process that I would not see how I was hurting the interaction and the other people involved.
To say that this is not the person I wish to be is an incredible understatement. I don't wish to treat the people I interact with, work with and care about like this and I deeply regret my behavior. My love should not be conditional based on my judgment of another person's worthiness. I am no one to judge a person's worthiness and it doesn't figure into the equation in any case. Love is a gift given freely and any relationship in any context takes authentic effort on each person's behalf.
So now the work is about understanding all of this, seeing the entire picture, accepting and forgiving myself while truly embracing my forgiveness of the other people because I have no right to hold them accountable for actions in which I was complicit. That I acted in such an unhealthy way is awful and completely unacceptable to me, but to continue to behave in this fashion would be worse. So I must bring the work deeper to the interior pathway and through that process the exterior behavior will be more authentically congruent with the person I am working to become. Above all, I must accept responsibility to always work to find the better path when the road gets rocky because that's the deal in a relationship. This is exactly what I must do because chances are if the other person is behaving in a hurtful way they are hurting and to do otherwise only exacerbates the pain for everyone involved.
Friday, May 20, 2011
A Gift of Love
This one's gong to be a long one, I've got a lot to say.
As I mentioned in my last post I was let go from my job on Tuesday, May 10th. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the action coming. I had been watching the whole plan unfold in front of me from the time I took the position in January until it was finally done. It's been a week and a half and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone at all. I didn't want to talk about what happened because I was angry and upset, felt the action was unjustified and part of one person's plan to control and manipulate the Board of Directors by continuing to bring specious claims against me so I would look bad in their eyes. I was angry, understandably so.
One of the things a therapist I worked with used to say to me was that anger was a secondary emotion, it never occurs alone. If you look past the anger that you're feeling you will find another emotion hiding underneath the anger, fueling it so it will burn bright enough that you don't see the primary emotion sitting there. Today I was presented with that primary emotion and it all became clear to me why I hadn't wanted to talk about what happened. I felt hurt for so many reasons and now I am able to embrace it and understand it.
Here's the thing, I studied psychology because I was clear that I wanted to make a difference by helping people. Through the process of my education I became disillusioned about the current perspective of modern psychology and therapy in particular, and its ability to actually help people in any sustainable and meaningful way. By the time I graduated I was looking at going in a completely different direction because I understood that anything I chose that conformed to an academic or corporate standard was going to be compromised from the get go.
During the course of my studies I began volunteering at a local rape crisis center. When I first heard you could do that I immediately wanted to volunteer because what better way to help people than to be there to offer support throughout a person's worst possible night? Being a rape crisis advocate was a labor of love for me and I felt privileged and blessed to have found the organization and the work because it definitely filled a need for me. After volunteering there for about a year and half I was hired to work there doing prevention and education in the community schools to educate kids about keeping themselves safe and how to recognize the dangers of sexual assault. This job was a dream come true for me. It was an opportunity to make a difference in my community and to serve an organization whose whole purpose and mission was the healing of survivors of sexual assault and the prevention of sexual assault for individuals in the community and the community at large. It was a house of healing and empowerment and I got to contribute a little piece in making that vision a reality. I felt blessed.
About a month into my working there I was given an additional job as the bookkeeper because I had a huge amount of experience as a bookkeeper and it was nice that those skills could be put to use again for a mission I believed in and supported. Since the organization was 98% grant funded accurate bookkeeping and responsible fiscal management were absolutely required to help keep the doors open. Every community needs a rape crisis center and when the doors shut on them it hurts everyone.
A month later, I decided to apply for the Executive Director's position. I did so with some hesitation and concern because I didn't have a lot of management experience, especially in terms of a non-profit. I hadn't much grant writing experience and no grant management experience. I wasn't sure I was up to the job and I didn't want to fail an organization that I felt was a vital asset to the community. However, looking at the applications that were coming in I felt I would be the best person to take leadership of that organization because I had an intimate understanding of how it was supposed to work. So I applied and got the job.
I have a rather non-corporate view of management. My default is to manage from an empowerment model, offering staff opportunities to develop their own skill sets so they can grow and move upward in their career path. I feel the best supervisors do not supervise from the top down but support from the bottom up giving their staff all that they need in order to do the jobs they have to do. In any crisis center it can be a very stressful and emotionally demanding environment. My job was to ease the stress as much as I could, give them all the resources at my fingertips and know where to get more if need be. From my perspective my staff shouldn't worry about how they are going to do their job and shouldn't have to worry about caring for themselves or their family because that takes away from their ability to perform well and everyone needed to be at the top of their game.
But moreover, my position as the Executive Director was my opportunity to pour all the love I bear for humanity into our volunteers, my staff and our survivors. I've taken a lot of criticism over the years about my desire to help, my deep love for humanity and the joy I get out of lending a hand without expectation of anything in return, people don't understand that. In this position and in this place I didn't have to explain that I could just give it. My own heart would be healed when I could see that something I did fed a piece of someone's soul. I have to admit it was somewhat backwards because I would give to them what I couldn't give to myself, but it was also deeper than that. It is the fact that we are all connected and when one of us is healed, all of us our healed to some degree. It took the hurt and pain caused by a horrible injustice and righted it a little not just for a survivor or a staff member or a volunteer but for all of us.
Shortly after I took the position it became clear that accomplishing my own personal mission and the mission of the organization wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped. Some members of the Board of Directors, a volunteer to the Board and a staff member didn't like the way I managed, didn't agree with my priorities and began a slow but steady campaign that ultimately led to my termination. The Board began to micromanage and dealing with some of them began to take on eerie similarities to my recent abusive relationship. Their treatment of me and the actions of one staff member who was tightly connected to certain members of the Board hurt not only me but other staff members, volunteers and clients as well. The situation was not good and ultimately led not just to my termination but two others as well, equally unjust and totally without cause.
Today, I ran into a friend and a previous co-worker who was also a casualty of this sad and unfortunate action. She shared with me the words that others have shared with her upon hearing about all that happened to us. It was the words words of volunteers and clients about their hurt over my termination that brought me to realize the pain and the hurt I have felt over all that has happened. I didn't want to acknowledge the pain because I didn't want the Board and this staff member to have the ability to hurt me. But here's what I've learned about that thus far. It's not really about the emotion I experienced as a result of their misguided actions, that's not what is important here. What is important is the statement their actions make about the environment that operates not just in my sad little community but in communities and corporations all over the world. We are all hurt by injustice and it happens on a daily basis everywhere.
When any one of us experiences hurt or injustice we are all hurt. We are all connected by Spirit and what happens to one of us happens to us all. What has been really profound for me is not what I experienced specifically but what I have heard from other people once they realized I was gone. They say the organization is not the same, that you can feel the spirit of me all over that organization and that the love and care that I poured into the organization and the people in it, volunteers, staff and survivors alike is only a memory, that is the greatest tragedy of all.
What was ultimately a power play for a few select people on the Board was a labor of love for me and for the other staff members who were let go. The Board has allowed their myopic, group-think perspective to dominate their actions so much so that they didn't bother to even investigate the claims that were made against us. They have taken people away who worked from their heart, who would have done the work for free, who sacrificed time with their families, their own needs and sometimes their own well-being in light of their dedication to easing the pain of another, that did not matter to them. That people who truly loved what they did, who they served and who gave their love and support in a place where love should be paramount was not of any consideration. The care of the clients didn't figure at all in their actions, only the preservation of their power and that is what hurts me more than anything.
This is such a common problem and is not the first time I have run afoul of it. Previous times, however, it happened in corporations where I'm sad to say I rather expected it. I didn't expect it in an organization that is supposed to be dedicated to the empowerment and healing of other people. I didn't expect injustice to reign in an organization that was supposed to support survivors in their own quest for justice. I didn't expect a house of healing to cause so much hurt and to continue to let the actions of one insecure, inappropriate person rule the adequately working brains of people whose job it was to support that organization.
Maybe I'm naive for not expecting these things, but in my mind we shouldn't expect them, we should be motivated to action by them. We should not take the stance that this is the world we live in and these things are just going to happen, because the power hungry overlords will cannibalize anyone for their own personal gain and run roughshod over the rest of us who are trying to make this a better place. Part of taking self-responsibility is taking responsibility for the world we live in and realizing that our actions and inactions make an impact on what that world looks like and the environment in which we all get to live.
Have they taken away my ablity to pour love out to people and make a difference in my community? Of course not. But I am deeply saddened by the actions of those who don't have the welfare of their fellow humans uppermost in their minds, and instead value their own personal power and welfare above all that is decent and good. And I am saddened for those who have been hurt by all that has happened at my former place of employment, including my friends and co-workers and yes, even me. It was a gift of love and for the sake of power they just threw it all away.
So I am continuing to process this, ensuring I sit and reflect upon it and am trying to walk away with as many lessons learned as I can so this experience does not go to waste. My heart hurts for the survivors who were going to call me and let me know the outcome of their situations. Will they find someone they can trust enough to talk with there? I hope so. Does this change who I am? No, I am so much more than my job or my feelings or even my desire to help. Those things come out of who I am, they don't define who I am. So for now I mourn the loss of a dream and a vision that made it possible for me to get up, go to work and give it my all even when the environment was abusive and hurtful because it was for the sake of the people I served, volunteers, staff, clients and community members alike that I did it and I found meaning in it. We all have a gift of love to give, we should be able to give it.
As I mentioned in my last post I was let go from my job on Tuesday, May 10th. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the action coming. I had been watching the whole plan unfold in front of me from the time I took the position in January until it was finally done. It's been a week and a half and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone at all. I didn't want to talk about what happened because I was angry and upset, felt the action was unjustified and part of one person's plan to control and manipulate the Board of Directors by continuing to bring specious claims against me so I would look bad in their eyes. I was angry, understandably so.
One of the things a therapist I worked with used to say to me was that anger was a secondary emotion, it never occurs alone. If you look past the anger that you're feeling you will find another emotion hiding underneath the anger, fueling it so it will burn bright enough that you don't see the primary emotion sitting there. Today I was presented with that primary emotion and it all became clear to me why I hadn't wanted to talk about what happened. I felt hurt for so many reasons and now I am able to embrace it and understand it.
Here's the thing, I studied psychology because I was clear that I wanted to make a difference by helping people. Through the process of my education I became disillusioned about the current perspective of modern psychology and therapy in particular, and its ability to actually help people in any sustainable and meaningful way. By the time I graduated I was looking at going in a completely different direction because I understood that anything I chose that conformed to an academic or corporate standard was going to be compromised from the get go.
During the course of my studies I began volunteering at a local rape crisis center. When I first heard you could do that I immediately wanted to volunteer because what better way to help people than to be there to offer support throughout a person's worst possible night? Being a rape crisis advocate was a labor of love for me and I felt privileged and blessed to have found the organization and the work because it definitely filled a need for me. After volunteering there for about a year and half I was hired to work there doing prevention and education in the community schools to educate kids about keeping themselves safe and how to recognize the dangers of sexual assault. This job was a dream come true for me. It was an opportunity to make a difference in my community and to serve an organization whose whole purpose and mission was the healing of survivors of sexual assault and the prevention of sexual assault for individuals in the community and the community at large. It was a house of healing and empowerment and I got to contribute a little piece in making that vision a reality. I felt blessed.
About a month into my working there I was given an additional job as the bookkeeper because I had a huge amount of experience as a bookkeeper and it was nice that those skills could be put to use again for a mission I believed in and supported. Since the organization was 98% grant funded accurate bookkeeping and responsible fiscal management were absolutely required to help keep the doors open. Every community needs a rape crisis center and when the doors shut on them it hurts everyone.
A month later, I decided to apply for the Executive Director's position. I did so with some hesitation and concern because I didn't have a lot of management experience, especially in terms of a non-profit. I hadn't much grant writing experience and no grant management experience. I wasn't sure I was up to the job and I didn't want to fail an organization that I felt was a vital asset to the community. However, looking at the applications that were coming in I felt I would be the best person to take leadership of that organization because I had an intimate understanding of how it was supposed to work. So I applied and got the job.
I have a rather non-corporate view of management. My default is to manage from an empowerment model, offering staff opportunities to develop their own skill sets so they can grow and move upward in their career path. I feel the best supervisors do not supervise from the top down but support from the bottom up giving their staff all that they need in order to do the jobs they have to do. In any crisis center it can be a very stressful and emotionally demanding environment. My job was to ease the stress as much as I could, give them all the resources at my fingertips and know where to get more if need be. From my perspective my staff shouldn't worry about how they are going to do their job and shouldn't have to worry about caring for themselves or their family because that takes away from their ability to perform well and everyone needed to be at the top of their game.
But moreover, my position as the Executive Director was my opportunity to pour all the love I bear for humanity into our volunteers, my staff and our survivors. I've taken a lot of criticism over the years about my desire to help, my deep love for humanity and the joy I get out of lending a hand without expectation of anything in return, people don't understand that. In this position and in this place I didn't have to explain that I could just give it. My own heart would be healed when I could see that something I did fed a piece of someone's soul. I have to admit it was somewhat backwards because I would give to them what I couldn't give to myself, but it was also deeper than that. It is the fact that we are all connected and when one of us is healed, all of us our healed to some degree. It took the hurt and pain caused by a horrible injustice and righted it a little not just for a survivor or a staff member or a volunteer but for all of us.
Shortly after I took the position it became clear that accomplishing my own personal mission and the mission of the organization wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped. Some members of the Board of Directors, a volunteer to the Board and a staff member didn't like the way I managed, didn't agree with my priorities and began a slow but steady campaign that ultimately led to my termination. The Board began to micromanage and dealing with some of them began to take on eerie similarities to my recent abusive relationship. Their treatment of me and the actions of one staff member who was tightly connected to certain members of the Board hurt not only me but other staff members, volunteers and clients as well. The situation was not good and ultimately led not just to my termination but two others as well, equally unjust and totally without cause.
Today, I ran into a friend and a previous co-worker who was also a casualty of this sad and unfortunate action. She shared with me the words that others have shared with her upon hearing about all that happened to us. It was the words words of volunteers and clients about their hurt over my termination that brought me to realize the pain and the hurt I have felt over all that has happened. I didn't want to acknowledge the pain because I didn't want the Board and this staff member to have the ability to hurt me. But here's what I've learned about that thus far. It's not really about the emotion I experienced as a result of their misguided actions, that's not what is important here. What is important is the statement their actions make about the environment that operates not just in my sad little community but in communities and corporations all over the world. We are all hurt by injustice and it happens on a daily basis everywhere.
When any one of us experiences hurt or injustice we are all hurt. We are all connected by Spirit and what happens to one of us happens to us all. What has been really profound for me is not what I experienced specifically but what I have heard from other people once they realized I was gone. They say the organization is not the same, that you can feel the spirit of me all over that organization and that the love and care that I poured into the organization and the people in it, volunteers, staff and survivors alike is only a memory, that is the greatest tragedy of all.
What was ultimately a power play for a few select people on the Board was a labor of love for me and for the other staff members who were let go. The Board has allowed their myopic, group-think perspective to dominate their actions so much so that they didn't bother to even investigate the claims that were made against us. They have taken people away who worked from their heart, who would have done the work for free, who sacrificed time with their families, their own needs and sometimes their own well-being in light of their dedication to easing the pain of another, that did not matter to them. That people who truly loved what they did, who they served and who gave their love and support in a place where love should be paramount was not of any consideration. The care of the clients didn't figure at all in their actions, only the preservation of their power and that is what hurts me more than anything.
This is such a common problem and is not the first time I have run afoul of it. Previous times, however, it happened in corporations where I'm sad to say I rather expected it. I didn't expect it in an organization that is supposed to be dedicated to the empowerment and healing of other people. I didn't expect injustice to reign in an organization that was supposed to support survivors in their own quest for justice. I didn't expect a house of healing to cause so much hurt and to continue to let the actions of one insecure, inappropriate person rule the adequately working brains of people whose job it was to support that organization.
Maybe I'm naive for not expecting these things, but in my mind we shouldn't expect them, we should be motivated to action by them. We should not take the stance that this is the world we live in and these things are just going to happen, because the power hungry overlords will cannibalize anyone for their own personal gain and run roughshod over the rest of us who are trying to make this a better place. Part of taking self-responsibility is taking responsibility for the world we live in and realizing that our actions and inactions make an impact on what that world looks like and the environment in which we all get to live.
Have they taken away my ablity to pour love out to people and make a difference in my community? Of course not. But I am deeply saddened by the actions of those who don't have the welfare of their fellow humans uppermost in their minds, and instead value their own personal power and welfare above all that is decent and good. And I am saddened for those who have been hurt by all that has happened at my former place of employment, including my friends and co-workers and yes, even me. It was a gift of love and for the sake of power they just threw it all away.
So I am continuing to process this, ensuring I sit and reflect upon it and am trying to walk away with as many lessons learned as I can so this experience does not go to waste. My heart hurts for the survivors who were going to call me and let me know the outcome of their situations. Will they find someone they can trust enough to talk with there? I hope so. Does this change who I am? No, I am so much more than my job or my feelings or even my desire to help. Those things come out of who I am, they don't define who I am. So for now I mourn the loss of a dream and a vision that made it possible for me to get up, go to work and give it my all even when the environment was abusive and hurtful because it was for the sake of the people I served, volunteers, staff, clients and community members alike that I did it and I found meaning in it. We all have a gift of love to give, we should be able to give it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Illusion of Busyness
It starts out innocuously enough, you don't mean to over schedule you just want to help a friend out, you don't realize how much time it's going to take. Then you haven't seen another friend in a really long time so you make time to go see them. Next you're working on something with some other friends and that needs your time and attention so you attend to that. Your other friends are moving and this is the last chance to see them so you take off to go see them. Family is complaining you haven't been very available lately so you go see them. You have a child, or two or three and they need attention so you attend to them. Then all the household stuff needs to be done so you aren't living in a bug-infested heap so you go and attend to that. You don't mean to get so busy there's no time to think, reflect, study, read, consider, meditate, sleep...it just happens.
Last Tuesday I lost my job and you would think I would have a lot of time on my hands. I don't. I'm home more than I was when I was working but often those are in five minute increments between other things I have to run off and do. Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it keeps you from doing important, self-care type things the busyness becomes an obstacle to our development.
On Sunday I spent time with my dear friend Beth who is one of the most deeply spiritual people I know. She is a UU minister so it's not much of a surprise that she is deeply spiritual and we have some of the best conversations about our own spiritual and emotional processes, life and everything else. At one point during our conversation I looked at her and said that I felt as though I had hit a plateau in my spiritual development. We talked about why I felt that way, what I needed to do to resolve it, reasons why that might have happened, etc. but after talking I still didn't feel that I had a clue.
Today I finally took some time to sit and reflect on what is going on. I realize that spiritual development isn't something that just happens because we want it to or in the time frame we would like it to, but when you are working on any type of development at all there is a sense of the task at hand and I don't have a sense of the task at hand. Thankfully, a friend posted Steven Barnes' blog about adult responsibility and it was exactly what I needed to see. Okay, my busyness hasn't gotten completely out of hand yet, but it could if I continue to operate the way I have been.
Really it comes down to a matter of prioritizing. I did a little dialogue with myself to process through what is going on and the first thing that I realized was I'm not home enough to give myself the time I need to be still and quiet so I can process everything that is going on with me. When I was working 50+ hours a week that was a bit more understandable, but now I don't have that excuse. My job isn't requiring this crazy schedule, I'm creating it for myself. The other thing I realized is that there is an element of fear at work here that has been stopping me from creating the time and space I need to develop the life I really want. But fear can't stop me, because if I let fear stop me every time I need to do something I'll never get anything done.
It was time to take myself in hand and have a firm conversation with myself which is exactly what I did. Steve Barnes pointed out that we often accept excuses from ourselves that we would never accept from our children. Well, that can't continue to happen. However, instead of coming down with righteous wrath on myself I need to deal with myself in the same way I would deal with my child, with a good balance of firmness, humor, acceptance and love. So in my dialogue I did that and although I didn't let myself get away with any lame excuses I also laughed a lot at the illusion I had created.
I've made a lot of commitments this week and at this point letting go of any of them would let people I care about down so I am going to ride out the rest of the week knowing that as I begin scheduling for next week my priorities must come first and cannot be shoved aside for something more pleasant or easier to do. Is it difficult to do this? Yes and no. We all struggle with doing things we don't want to do, but really, in the end, if you step back from all the feelings you are having and look at the bigger picture it's not hard to do. Either you are going to create the life you want or you won't, it's up to you not some magical intervention on your behalf. God isn't going to reach a hand down from the Heavens and rearrange everything for me, I have to do it. It's about accepting responsibility for my life and mine is the only hand that can create the life I want.
Am I going to screw up? Inevitably, but that doesn't mean you throw the whole thing out the window and decide you just can't do it. You get as many chances as it takes until you stop drawing breath. Sure, some opportunities get lost if you don't move quickly enough but others come your way, you just have to be open. So now, I am going to accept responsibility for the schedule I have created and really look at what my life needs, what I want and how to accomplish it. It's not that difficult to do. Getting past the feelings such as the fear, the inadequacy, the guilt and whatever else comes up is really the hardest part because that's the part that messes with our brain. Ultimately though, they're just feelings, a chemical dump of neurotransmitters that don't necessarily represent reality or truth. So dive in, shake yourself by the scruff of your neck if you need to and then give yourself a hug afterwards but take up your life. I'm taking up mine and I accept the responsibility for creating it and maintaining. It's supposed to be what I want, right? So, go for it!
Last Tuesday I lost my job and you would think I would have a lot of time on my hands. I don't. I'm home more than I was when I was working but often those are in five minute increments between other things I have to run off and do. Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it keeps you from doing important, self-care type things the busyness becomes an obstacle to our development.
On Sunday I spent time with my dear friend Beth who is one of the most deeply spiritual people I know. She is a UU minister so it's not much of a surprise that she is deeply spiritual and we have some of the best conversations about our own spiritual and emotional processes, life and everything else. At one point during our conversation I looked at her and said that I felt as though I had hit a plateau in my spiritual development. We talked about why I felt that way, what I needed to do to resolve it, reasons why that might have happened, etc. but after talking I still didn't feel that I had a clue.
Today I finally took some time to sit and reflect on what is going on. I realize that spiritual development isn't something that just happens because we want it to or in the time frame we would like it to, but when you are working on any type of development at all there is a sense of the task at hand and I don't have a sense of the task at hand. Thankfully, a friend posted Steven Barnes' blog about adult responsibility and it was exactly what I needed to see. Okay, my busyness hasn't gotten completely out of hand yet, but it could if I continue to operate the way I have been.
Really it comes down to a matter of prioritizing. I did a little dialogue with myself to process through what is going on and the first thing that I realized was I'm not home enough to give myself the time I need to be still and quiet so I can process everything that is going on with me. When I was working 50+ hours a week that was a bit more understandable, but now I don't have that excuse. My job isn't requiring this crazy schedule, I'm creating it for myself. The other thing I realized is that there is an element of fear at work here that has been stopping me from creating the time and space I need to develop the life I really want. But fear can't stop me, because if I let fear stop me every time I need to do something I'll never get anything done.
It was time to take myself in hand and have a firm conversation with myself which is exactly what I did. Steve Barnes pointed out that we often accept excuses from ourselves that we would never accept from our children. Well, that can't continue to happen. However, instead of coming down with righteous wrath on myself I need to deal with myself in the same way I would deal with my child, with a good balance of firmness, humor, acceptance and love. So in my dialogue I did that and although I didn't let myself get away with any lame excuses I also laughed a lot at the illusion I had created.
I've made a lot of commitments this week and at this point letting go of any of them would let people I care about down so I am going to ride out the rest of the week knowing that as I begin scheduling for next week my priorities must come first and cannot be shoved aside for something more pleasant or easier to do. Is it difficult to do this? Yes and no. We all struggle with doing things we don't want to do, but really, in the end, if you step back from all the feelings you are having and look at the bigger picture it's not hard to do. Either you are going to create the life you want or you won't, it's up to you not some magical intervention on your behalf. God isn't going to reach a hand down from the Heavens and rearrange everything for me, I have to do it. It's about accepting responsibility for my life and mine is the only hand that can create the life I want.
Am I going to screw up? Inevitably, but that doesn't mean you throw the whole thing out the window and decide you just can't do it. You get as many chances as it takes until you stop drawing breath. Sure, some opportunities get lost if you don't move quickly enough but others come your way, you just have to be open. So now, I am going to accept responsibility for the schedule I have created and really look at what my life needs, what I want and how to accomplish it. It's not that difficult to do. Getting past the feelings such as the fear, the inadequacy, the guilt and whatever else comes up is really the hardest part because that's the part that messes with our brain. Ultimately though, they're just feelings, a chemical dump of neurotransmitters that don't necessarily represent reality or truth. So dive in, shake yourself by the scruff of your neck if you need to and then give yourself a hug afterwards but take up your life. I'm taking up mine and I accept the responsibility for creating it and maintaining. It's supposed to be what I want, right? So, go for it!
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