Embrasse-Moi

Today was an amazing day for me.  My family got together for Easter at my brother's house.  I was tired from staying out too late last night, which can make me a little bit grumpy and I was just a little bit grumpy.    It was a communal event, I handled the Easter baskets as I am the coolest person in my family so I get the coolest stuff for the three boys.  My parents and brother handled the food and the beverages.  I was happy watching my family hang out together relaxing and taking it easy.

At one point my dad and I were alone in the house and he looked at me and asked if I was okay.  I started to cry.  I don't know why I started to cry, I really had nothing to cry about and I said I was fine.  He came over and started petting my head.  We started talking about the path my life had taken in the recent past, the breakup, my job, starting a new life all on my own.  He told me how proud he was of me, about what an amazing job I have done as a mother and with my work, how drastically I have taken control of my life and am beginning a new one.  My dad has NEVER talked to me that way, in my entire life.  He told me how he worried about me being alone because I'm someone who needs to have a person to love in my life, he said he understood that.  It was the sweetest gift I have ever received and something I certainly couldn't have expected.

My mom followed him with loving, caring, supportive words of her own.  My brother had words of encouragement of his own to give.  None of them were aware of the other conversations they were all completely independent of each other, it was amazing.  My family has never been so supportive, proud, loving, caring and understanding to me in my entire life.  It was a glorious experience but it was also somewhat like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" if you know what I mean.  Great, but definitely surreal.

This has come on top of a week of incredible interactions with people coming forward and sharing the effect I have on their lives.  The person that I thought myself to be is not the person I see reflected in their eyes.  The person I believed myself to be was someone who didn't have much value, wasn't worth much fuss, didn't deserve to happy, healthy or successful, someone whose place was serve others, support others, assist others in obtaining their goals, but not worthy of goals of her own.  I am no longer that person.

Today the picture came together of the person that I truly am.  Today, unexpectedly a piece of my heart was healed because I can embrace myself as that person and not push her away with fear that I could never live up to her, I am her.  I've been living this crazy double life trying so hard to become someone I already am and rejecting every effort as never enough, what a tragic irony.  I don't have to keep doing that. 

So today, I can reconcile the conversation I had last week, you knew you were right about who I was because you see who I am and they aren't so different.  Today I can see the light that shines in people's eyes when we smile at each other and know that I am part of that light, I shine.  I can see that how I choose to react to unpleasant situations empowers others to react in similar ways, that I inspire people, that my kindness is more that public civility but is an expression of deep love for all of the people around me, and more.

Today, I stepped into the light and took hold of who I a really am.  To find myself so different from who I believed myself to be is like being unplugged from the Matrix, I hate to use that analogy but I really have no other way to explain it. Realizing you aren't at all the person you thought yourself to be but are instead something much more wonderful than you ever could have imagined is magical in one sense and like waking from a very long nightmare in another sense.

My negative perceptions of myself were all donations from other people and three of them apologized to me today for contributing to those beliefs and for how terribly untrue and hurtful those perspectives were.  I have a rule that when you hear the same thing at least three times in a relatively short amount of time it's the Universe trying to tell you something, you should pay attention and believe it.  Today I heard the message three times, I heard countless wonderful things throughout this whole week.  The messages I have consistently gotten are messages of love, acceptance, joy and gratitude for the person that I am.  I am equally grateful and full of love for the people who have shared these messages with me, they are an equal blessing in my life and as light shines in their hearts for me, light shines in my heart for them.

I know that I will lose sight of this of this wonderful vision of myself at least temporarily.  I know that it will be challenged, it always is, but I will continue to work to hold tight and true to it so if I do forget it is only for a short time and I'll be able to come back to it more quickly on my own.  My mom likened the place in my journey to the transition from Book One to Book Two.  Of course, there is more work to be done and I will continue on with the work I have to do, but I get to leave behind the unnecessary baggage that weighs me down and makes it difficult to move forward.  I get to move forward knowing I am loved, supported and cared about and the abuse of the past doesn't have to follow me into the future if I don't want it to.  It will always color my storyline, but it doesn't have to dictate it.  Book One is always a part of my story, but it's time for a new story now.

Today, on Easter Sunday, I stepped into the light and began a new life.  I released the darkness of the past and embraced the light of the present.  I feel the love that is a gift for me and a gift from me and I embrace the brightness of that love as a part of me and part of those around me.  Today, I embrace me.