Spiraling in to Self Love

Self love has been the subject I have been mulling over most recently.  It's been an issue that has come up numerous times in my life, which makes sense since it's so very crucial to living a happy, healthy life.  It's not that I don't have any self love, I actually do, it's just that I'm not always in touch with it and my actions don't always reflect it.  That's the key.  Love of any kind is not an intellectual concept simply to think about and consider.  Love is an action and for it to be expressed action is required on our part.

We learn how to love through modeling, we watch other people close to us and see how they show love.  Unfortunately I didn't get many good examples of it growing up or in either of the significant relationships I was in.  But thankfully, it's never to late to learn and we continue to learn through modeling all through our lives.  As an adult I have seen many beautiful examples of love and I learn from them every chance I get.  I do understand what it means to love myself even in terms of the action I must take for myself every day, unfortunately it is only now that I finally feel free to do so.

Like any person in an abusive relationship I didn't realize how insidious the thought process is that breaks you down from the inside out.  In order to continue to stay in an abusive relationship the abuser must get the cooperation of the abused, it's a dance and it only works if both parties participate.  Before I go further, I want to be very clear that no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, ever.  It's not the abused partner's fault, actually fault shouldn't really even come into it.  It is a dynamic that is created between abuser and abused.  It is equally unhealthy and destructive for all the people involved and everyone is equally trapped by the situation. 

Self love can't exist in an abusive relationship because anyone with an ounce of active self love would never allow themselves to remain in a destructive, unhealthy relationship as I did.  I couldn't love myself, I couldn't even respect myself.  I couldn't honestly look at myself because the vision I saw of the tiny, hurt, powerless creature I became was entirely too disturbing to behold and the worst part is I had a hand in its creation.  But I am no longer in that relationship and I no longer need to be the powerless, unloved creature I became.

I know what self love feels like and looks like, I know how to be loving to myself but I have held myself separate from that love for so long that it takes great effort to keep it uppermost in my mind.  It is much easier for me to set myself and my own needs aside in the face of other people's needs, wants and expectations.  So now I am circling, spiraling in to self love.  Every day I move ever inward, ever closer to maintaining self love above all.  Love that doesn't radiate from me first as a foundation is very shaky and that is not the love I want to put out in the world. So each day I do something else that is loving to me.  It's not always easy, I struggle with some things but I get there a little bit each day.

The Universe has been gracious and generous in its demonstrations of love for me, especially through other people most recently.  I really am so loved by my friends and family it's ludicrous to continue to deny my worthiness for love.  The belief that I ever was unworthy doesn't come from me, it came from others and was empowered through my abusive relationship, but it's not true.  We are all worthy of love and most especially we are worthy of love from ourselves.