The Change that Occurs Within

It's been about a week and half since work started to go badly and I started to freak out. I've had my ups and downs, handled it better some days and really poorly on others but you know, there's really only so much energy a person can burn before it becomes old news and you just have to move on.  I'm not a big fan of cliches but I have to say that life is too short and there are so many things worth being happy about and enjoying, too many to spend time and energy thinking only about the negative aspects of our lives.  Everything is just a moment in time.

We get so caught up thinking that all the things we're experiencing are forever but they aren't, nothing is permanent. Given enough time everything will shift eventually whether the change comes from an outside force or from our own efforts rest assured things will change. The situation may not change, the people involved may not change but that's okay because, truly, the most significant change that can occur is the change that occurs from within. 

We will never be able to control anything outside of us, believe me I've tried.  Control of anything beyond ourselves is an illusion, it doesn't exist.  When we can muster our resources to create true lasting change from within then we've really found something instrumental with which to work.  It's not easy.  I kept trying to get there and falling short of the mark, but there was a point where I really had to be okay with that too.  As long as I am trying to get somewhere beneficial for me when I get there really doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that we keep working on moving forward and not remaining stuck where we are.

Am I doing better with my job situation?  You bet!  Is it a permanent change?  I hope so, I think so.  All the things that were upsetting to me in the last week and a half have fallen away and I've come to a peaceful place with how things are.  That doesn't mean I like the situation I'm in, I don't, however I can now maneuver through all the irritations without massive emotional upheavals that really aren't in my best interest and that's nice.  Now I have more energy and attention for the things that are good and I'm lucky enough to have caught a few moments of grace along the way today.  Those moments of grace can make all the difference.  They don't last long, note the use of the word moments, but they are like sweet kisses from the Universe reminding us that all is well and that we are loved.

The Gift of Being Human

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend recently.  He is an interesting guy and we've had our ups and downs for various reasons but all in all I really like and respect him.  He is the quintessential good Samaritan.  Having come from a military background he thinks nothing of putting his own life in danger to help others and does so on a regular basis.  This past weekend's good deed consisted of stopping a car jacking in progress, the weekend before was saving a man from choking to death at a community event.  He does these things without thought to himself only knowing that someone needs help and he is there to provide it.

Today he is going to the dentist for a somewhat painful procedure.  As expected he intends to take no time off from work to recover or to take any pain medication afterwards.  As we were finishing our conversation I told him if he happened to find himself having a human moment and needing to stay home I would I would happily endorse and support such a decision as it is important for him to take care of himself.  He looked at me with the saddest expression in his eyes and said to me, "I'm not human" and then he walked out the door.  I wanted to cry.

I so understand that comment "I'm not human."  I have tried to transcend humanity for most of my adult life, but we can't do it.  The attempt to ignore our humanity comes out of deep pain and is ultimately a rejection of ourselves because for whatever reason we find ourselves unacceptable as we are.  To compensate we strive for the unattainable, setting standards for ourselves that are beyond impossible to achieve and when we fail in the attempt we berate ourselves mercilessly picking up the tools of abuse that others have left behind and using them against ourselves.

Surrendering to my humanity has been an incredible struggle for me.  Being human makes me vulnerable, sometimes it hurts. It seems safer to deny the humanity within me, shut down and move forward pretending I am invulnerable, but in doing so I would commit my life to endless suffering.  Only through my precious human body am I able to experience enlightenment.  Only through my precious human body am I able to experience love, not just giving it but receiving it. Only through my precious human body am I open to all of the incredible experiences and moments of grace that this incarnation has to offer and missing it all would be a sorrowful tragedy.

Watching my friend struggle with his own humanity is a lesson for me, reminding me to hold on tightly to that which makes me human.  Vulnerability is a gift, openness is a gift as long as it is balanced and mindfully maintained.  The quest for perfection is a fruitless quest, I'll never achieve it, but not only can I attain humanness I can learn and understand the gifts that are an inherent part of it.  My dearest hope for my friend is that he can come to embrace his own humanity.  My dearest hope for myself is that I can continue to embrace my own humanity, loving it and cherishing it as the precious gift that it is.  As I was recently reminded pain is part of the human existence, there's no escaping it, but so is love, joy, Divine communion, growth and happiness.  These are the gifts of humanity and they are so very precious.

The Importance of Accessing our Inner Stillness

Well, I got through my meeting job in tact for the moment and we sit at a cease fire.  For the other people involved in the meeting it wasn't a good meeting.  For me, it was a complete victory.  Not because I got what I wanted out of the meeting, that didn't happen at all.  It was a victory for me because through it all I remained calm.  When it was necessary I spoke my truth but because I was centered, breathing mindfully and fully accepting of the situation I was able to do so in an extremely positive way.  That doesn't mean they liked what I had to say or that I was saying it.  They didn't like what I was saying and they made that very clear, but it didn't matter because there was nothing they could object to in the delivery.

For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself.  As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt.  As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.

So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages.  Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source.  They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.

I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming.  If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads.  The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.

So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared.  I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game.  Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work.  They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end.  Am I perfect at it?  Hardly.  Do I allow myself to fail?  Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail.  Do I get up every morning ready to try again?  You bet.  It's really the only answer.

Who is in Control?

I've been having a lot of issues come up at work lately and I have to say, I haven't been handling them very well...at all.  I've gotten angry, felt betrayed, wanted revenge and was basically having a fit over the whole issue.  At the same time, I've also been working on some deep personal issues and in some ways my reaction to my work situation has been because I felt as though life should give me a little break while I got my personal baggage under control.  But that's not how it works because ultimately these aren't separate issues, they are connected and I have to experience them at the same time in order for the lessons to really come into fruition in my own consciousness.

I finally figured out that it doesn't really matter what happens at work.  Beyond the pragmatic details of needing a job in order to earn a living, the details of each day and each conflict do not matter.  They are simply the backdrop that these lessons play out on and each issue, each conflict is simply another opportunity for me to get the lesson and apply it.  That's all.  I really hate the phrase it's all about me, but in this case in it is all about me.  It is all about how I handle the situation, not what other people are doing.  Am I going to address it in the best way possible by remaining calm and not reacting?  Am I going to remember that I need to take a few deep, slow breaths before I respond so that I respond out of my highest awareness or am I going buy in to the details playing out in front of me and react to them?  Who is in control?  The choice is mine, I have the power decide and no one else.

I have been aware of this for a while now, but for some reason I wasn't yet able to apply it to my own situation.  I could talk about it, explain it and cognitively understand it but I couldn't live it.  Today I can live it and I think that is true only because I have been working very hard to connect to my core self and have only recently made a breakthrough.  Without a connection to my core self I had no ground to stand on, no personal connection with which to root myself.  I was without anchor and everything that happened around me would impact my decisions and reactions.  Last night it all came together all at once and I got it, the veritable "Ah hah!" moment.  It is all so simple.

So today I am going into a meeting which I don't anticipate will be set up by the people running it to be a good situation for me, but that's okay.  It doesn't have to be set up to be a good situation for me, I can create a situation that is good for me.  Understanding that the people running the meeting are operating a different level than I am means I can prepare to be at my absolute best for this meeting.  I am going home for lunch to meditate before the meeting and I will be meditating in small increments of time throughout the day to maintain a higher state of consciousness.  I will be breathing mindfully during each interaction with the people who are in conflict with me.  I will remember that love is the most powerful force on the planet and I will work not only to surround myself with love but will also surround the people I will be meeting with in love because I understand their nature and I can have compassion and understanding about that.

Sweet Surrender

So often when struggling with an issue I have difficulty figuring out when it is beneficial to keep struggling and when I should just let it go.  It's easy to get lost on the surface of the issue, focusing on the details of that particular struggle, wanting to control the perception that people will have of me in that situation, not wanting to give up short of a finish line that I'm just sure exists and above all wanting to do the right thing not just for myself but for everyone involved.  It becomes difficult to see the situation clearly and to make the best possible choice if you just look at the surface of the situation.

It's crucial to go beyond the details and get to the heart of the matter itself; to really understand our own motivations and inner workings as they are operating in the situation itself.  If we don't we'll never have a clear understanding of the situation and what we need to do to correct the problem in our own lives.  This past week has been a journey for me and I've had to do a lot of soul searching in order to understand what I need to do to make the situation better.

It's a process.  I had to identify that there was something wrong, a huge obstacle in the way of my happiness.  Then I had to break open to all the feelings associated with the situation because until I did that I wasn't even in touch with the feelings I had around the situation.  I had to let go of all the surface details because it doesn't really matter what happened or who did what to whom, what matters is the effect the situation is having on me, my son and my mental health.  Only then could I surrender and stop fighting myself and the people around me.  This isn't a fight I can win.  This isn't a struggle I have to engage in anymore and the truth of matter is I was making myself more miserable than the other people involved because I wasn't willing to acknowledge it.

Surrendering isn't giving up.  True surrender comes out of deep reflection and thought and acknowledges that the fight we are engaged in isn't in our best interest or the best interest of the people around us.  It acknowledges that there are losses we aren't willing to accumulate and that the best way to resolve the issue is to walk away with grace and dignity before we are hurt anymore or before we hurt anyone else.  When I could finally surrender it was the sweetest sensation.  Much of the pain and aggravation went away and that which didn't will recede with time.  The situation around me hasn't changed and it won't, that's why I have to surrender.  When we're stuck between an immovable force and an impossible situation the only person that can move is us.  So even though nothing has changed on the outside, everything is different on the inside.  I am not the same person engaged in this struggle.  Now, I am empowered to move myself out of it and on to something better for me.  I have to do it carefully and thoughtfully but at least now I know I have to do it, and that is the sweetest sensation of all.

Finding Peace

This morning during meditation the words to two of my favorite prayers rose into my awareness.  The first one Dona Nobis Pacem, Grant us Peace, has become a mantra for me over the years whenever I feel like my world is chaotic and lacking peace.  The second is a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi and says "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love;  Where there is injury, pardon;  Where the doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope;  Where there is darkness, light;  Where there is sadness, joy.  Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;  To be understood, as to understand;  To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.; it is in dying that we are born into eternal life." 

Later as I was preparing for my day I turned the words over and over in my head repeating them silently I realized how little of these things I have given myself lately.  A prayer is not meant to be a request sent to out to the Universe to be fulfilled.  A prayer is a way to go inside and seek these things for ourselves.  No one can give me peace, I have to find it within myself.  Nor can I give love, understanding, or compassion unless I first am able to give it to myself.  These are the gifts we must give ourselves, not in a narcissistic it's all about me way, but in a deeply spiritual manner that is all about loving ourselves so that we give from a place of fullness and not from a place of need.

Life can be overwhelming sometimes for one reason or another.  We all need to be able to find peace, tranquility, love and understanding...I know I do.  But if I don't take the time to seek it first from myself I will never find it anywhere else.  I am reminded of the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess, "And you who seek to know me know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; for if that which you seek you find not within yourself you will never find it without.  For behold, I have been with you from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire." 

Our wisest, most sacred selves exist within us all.  When we can stop functioning on the surface and pay attention to that sacred self we are well on our way to becoming our highest and best selves which is all most people really want anyway.  As I move through my own spiritual journey I keep trying to get to the center of myself to find the part of me that is wisest, most tranquil, most peaceful and all knowing.  Some days I do better than others, yesterday was a complete disaster. But today is a new day with a new beginning and yesterday can't cloud today.  Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow not a reality.  So today I will seek peace, love and understanding from within and I will continue to seek it until it becomes my reality.  After all, what better task could I possibly have?

The Vulnerability of Being Human

I woke up this morning in an incredibly bad mood, I was grumpy and agitated.  Meditation was extremely difficult because my mind wouldn't settle and I was aggravated with myself, with sitting, with observing my breathing, I couldn't remember the mantra I wanted to incorporate into my meditation this morning.  I stopped trying after five minutes because I was just getting angry with everything around me.  I'm tired and hormonal and I'm sure that working as much as I have been working and not taking any real time for myself is beginning to take its toll.

I went to pick up my son and I was agitated and upset dealing with my brother and his family.  I went to the store and the people's voices were like nails on chalkboards, I just wanted to go home.  I cried all the way home from the store distressed at how I feel, distressed that I wasn't holding it together better in front of my son, distressed about the fact that he was calmly giving me very sound advice and feeling like I didn't deserve any of it.  I feel like I should be committed just so no one else has to deal with me.

I came home only to start cleaning obsessively even though I am tired and I probably would do better to rest, but I can't rest because there is no peace inside my own spirit.  The clutter around my apartment is driving me crazy and I suspect it's because my own life feels so out of order.  I want to be anywhere but where I am right now and yet I can be no other place.

Everything just feels so wrong,  my whole world has turned upsidedown.  I'm sure that it has to do with the work I am doing, I'm sure it has to do with the guy who asked me out on a date yesterday, I'm sure it has to do with my hormonal state, lack of sleep, lack of rest.  I'm frazzled and at my wits end.  I want to go and walk along the beach but I can't because I need to be present for my son and he doesn't want to go to the beach.  I want my life to stop so I can sit and figure all of this out.  I need to understand why this guy asking me out has upset me so much.  In part it's because I feel like such a wreck and can't he see that I'm a wreck and just want to be left alone?  But of course he can't see that because I hardly let anyone see that...even myself. 

I am the strong one, the reliable one, the one who is a source for others but asks nothing for myself.  I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to admit that I need support.  I don't know how to say that I'm falling apart and I'm afraid if I don't catch the pieces I'll shatter.  And I hate that I feel this way.  I feel weak, silly and overly dramatic.  My son keeps telling me that I try too hard to hold it all together, that no one can be happy every day and I should stop trying to create a perfect life for him, but doesn't he deserve a mother who can make it home from the grocery store without crying?  I mean seriously.

On the one hand I want to be an island - hold solely unto myself, letting no one else in and yes, it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore but also because I don't feel as though I deserve the support.  On the other hand my betraying heart is longing for me just to be touched and held, to not have to hold it all together, to have a safe place and a safe person to fall apart on...but I don't feel worthy to say it or even to ask for it.  I don't want to be this vulnerabe, I don't want to be this human. Damn it I hate asking for help!

I am still stuck in that place where I feel as though I've earned where I am.  My choices brought me here and the discomfort I feel is no one's responsibility but my own; it's why I don't ask for help...why I don't feel worthy of help.  I don't expect sympathy or compassion because I never got it from anyone else...those are things I give, I don't get them back and apparently I have a hard time imagining how to accept them.

There is a wiser part of my brain that tells me this kind of thinking is going to get me nowhere.  If I was listening to someone else talk like this I would want to reach out to them to try and help them.  I would want them to know they could rely on me to be there for them so how can I deny myself the same thing?  It's hypocritical and ultimately not healthy.  We all need people to one degree or another.  I understand that cognitively, it's letting people in that's hard. I have a difficult time believing that anyone could see me in this state and still have any respect for me or any ability to like me.

Life isn't going to stop and I'm not going to be able to turn into a ghost.  All I can do is go on, keep working through this.  Be open to the help that is offered even if I can't imagine what to do with it.  I need to take some time to rest and relax, although I begin to wonder if I even remember what those words mean anymore.  I didn't realize how much I have carried all these years alone; all the hurt, the abuse, the responsibility, the guilt and the shame.  Now I don't know how to do anything other than be alone because the truth is that all these years I have been virtually alone, I didn't have any kind of love or support to draw from...I just had me.  Well even me needs others, much to my dismay, and the battle to feel worthy support rages on inside of me.  Perhaps if I sit with it enough I will surrender and the battle will be over...until next time.