I woke up this morning in an incredibly bad mood, I was grumpy and agitated. Meditation was extremely difficult because my mind wouldn't settle and I was aggravated with myself, with sitting, with observing my breathing, I couldn't remember the mantra I wanted to incorporate into my meditation this morning. I stopped trying after five minutes because I was just getting angry with everything around me. I'm tired and hormonal and I'm sure that working as much as I have been working and not taking any real time for myself is beginning to take its toll.
I went to pick up my son and I was agitated and upset dealing with my brother and his family. I went to the store and the people's voices were like nails on chalkboards, I just wanted to go home. I cried all the way home from the store distressed at how I feel, distressed that I wasn't holding it together better in front of my son, distressed about the fact that he was calmly giving me very sound advice and feeling like I didn't deserve any of it. I feel like I should be committed just so no one else has to deal with me.
I came home only to start cleaning obsessively even though I am tired and I probably would do better to rest, but I can't rest because there is no peace inside my own spirit. The clutter around my apartment is driving me crazy and I suspect it's because my own life feels so out of order. I want to be anywhere but where I am right now and yet I can be no other place.
Everything just feels so wrong, my whole world has turned upsidedown. I'm sure that it has to do with the work I am doing, I'm sure it has to do with the guy who asked me out on a date yesterday, I'm sure it has to do with my hormonal state, lack of sleep, lack of rest. I'm frazzled and at my wits end. I want to go and walk along the beach but I can't because I need to be present for my son and he doesn't want to go to the beach. I want my life to stop so I can sit and figure all of this out. I need to understand why this guy asking me out has upset me so much. In part it's because I feel like such a wreck and can't he see that I'm a wreck and just want to be left alone? But of course he can't see that because I hardly let anyone see that...even myself.
I am the strong one, the reliable one, the one who is a source for others but asks nothing for myself. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to admit that I need support. I don't know how to say that I'm falling apart and I'm afraid if I don't catch the pieces I'll shatter. And I hate that I feel this way. I feel weak, silly and overly dramatic. My son keeps telling me that I try too hard to hold it all together, that no one can be happy every day and I should stop trying to create a perfect life for him, but doesn't he deserve a mother who can make it home from the grocery store without crying? I mean seriously.
On the one hand I want to be an island - hold solely unto myself, letting no one else in and yes, it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore but also because I don't feel as though I deserve the support. On the other hand my betraying heart is longing for me just to be touched and held, to not have to hold it all together, to have a safe place and a safe person to fall apart on...but I don't feel worthy to say it or even to ask for it. I don't want to be this vulnerabe, I don't want to be this human. Damn it I hate asking for help!
I am still stuck in that place where I feel as though I've earned where I am. My choices brought me here and the discomfort I feel is no one's responsibility but my own; it's why I don't ask for help...why I don't feel worthy of help. I don't expect sympathy or compassion because I never got it from anyone else...those are things I give, I don't get them back and apparently I have a hard time imagining how to accept them.
There is a wiser part of my brain that tells me this kind of thinking is going to get me nowhere. If I was listening to someone else talk like this I would want to reach out to them to try and help them. I would want them to know they could rely on me to be there for them so how can I deny myself the same thing? It's hypocritical and ultimately not healthy. We all need people to one degree or another. I understand that cognitively, it's letting people in that's hard. I have a difficult time believing that anyone could see me in this state and still have any respect for me or any ability to like me.
Life isn't going to stop and I'm not going to be able to turn into a ghost. All I can do is go on, keep working through this. Be open to the help that is offered even if I can't imagine what to do with it. I need to take some time to rest and relax, although I begin to wonder if I even remember what those words mean anymore. I didn't realize how much I have carried all these years alone; all the hurt, the abuse, the responsibility, the guilt and the shame. Now I don't know how to do anything other than be alone because the truth is that all these years I have been virtually alone, I didn't have any kind of love or support to draw from...I just had me. Well even me needs others, much to my dismay, and the battle to feel worthy support rages on inside of me. Perhaps if I sit with it enough I will surrender and the battle will be over...until next time.
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