Forgiveness

Each year at Winter Solstice I draw an Angel Card with a word on it.  This past Solstice the word I drew was forgiveness.  My reaction was mixed at seeing this word - 1 part relief that it wasn't the word Love which I had drawn for the last 3 years, 1 part dread at the process I was going to undergo to truly understand this word and its significance in my life.  Of course I went for the obvious lesson...forgiveness for the hurt I had experienced through the recent breakup of my relationship.  But Spirit is sneakier than that...it's never the obvious lesson.

Last night as I was meditating a thought arose for me.  I was prepared to observe the thought and continue to focus on my breathing but this one actually stopped my breath and it became clear that I needed to address this issue as quickly as possible.  This one has been a long time coming.

Nine years ago I hurt and betrayed the best friend I have ever had.  To say that I didn't intend to hurt her really has no bearing although it is true; I knew my actions would cause her pain and I took them anyway.  I did it for love, or what I thought was love, but true love is never gained through selfishness.  I didn't realize I was being selfish at the time.  I was already in a bad marriage and things were degrading rapidly.  I was unhappy and empty inside.  My friend's husband expressed desire and admiration for me and I was so empty inside it was like an oasis in the desert.

I rationalized my behavior in every way I could; their marriage was already coming an end, my marriage was already coming to an end, we were soulmates it was meant to be...but the truth is I knew it was wrong and I just wanted something for myself.  I wanted to be loved as he claimed to love me and I was sure this was my only chance to obtain that love.  My desire to be loved overwhelmed everything and I ended my marriage and theirs in one feel swoop.

Needless to say things didn't work out the way I hoped that they would.  Our relationship was rocky and beset by stress and obstacles.  Eventually it became abusive and I believe that it was my guilt over hurting my friend that kept me in that relationship for so long, unwilling to leave even when I knew I should.  After all, so many people had been hurt over this decision I couldn't back out now...it would make all the pain I caused pointless.  But it was pointless because the relationship I had never should have been and the truth is I regretted the pain I caused her every day even though I couldn't admit it to myself.

I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done.  I don't really feel that I deserve forgiveness. I have been holding this shame since the day everything happened, but I couldn't admit it to myself until last night in the deep silence of the Infinite.  Losing her friendship was the greatest sacrifice I ever made and at this point I can say it wasn't worth it.  I would rather have maintained her friendship and missed out on that misbegotten opportunity for love that ultimately left me and my son wounded inside because she was a true friend and deserved my loyalty.

Because of this I don't trust my judgment in love.  I look at a life alone as the least of the punishments I can endure.  But there is a part of me that knows I must move on and learn to forgive myself.  What have I learned from this?  That true love has no part in selfishness, sometimes there are actions we take that can never be undone...that can never be healed.  Time does not heal all things and that true friendship is a gift not to be thrown away lightly.  I'm sure there are more lessons to be had and I patiently will wait for them to unfold.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  Even getting to the point where I can truly talk about this has been a long journey, but the journey is just beginning