Atonement

I had a couple of conversations with friends last night, one in person one over the phone, about how to resolve the inner conflict I have brought about by this realization around the betrayal of my friend.  Both suggested the value of apologizing and I am working on that process now.  But one of my friends mentioned that atonement can come in many forms and that word stuck with me as I was driving home.  I kept hearing it in my mind, "Atonement, atonement, atonment..." and then it went to that more spiritual yet kitchy pronunciation, "At-one-ment, at-one-ment, at-one-ment".  The first definition meaning satisfaction or reparation for wrongs or injury; amends.  The other meaning unity with the Divine.  Both are important here.

I believe it is only out of our divine nature that we can only truly atone for the wrongs we have done.  Otherwise we apologize without true consciousness or meaning...just to alleviate our guilt and banish our past sins.  My friend who is a wonderful Unitarian Universalist minister asked me if the reason I couldn't forgive myself was because I felt as though doing so would in some way exonerate me from the wrong I have done and the answer is yes.  In no way do I feel as though I should be pardoned or forgiven...as though I should walk around with a scarlet B for betrayor for the rest of my days so all can see it and show me the appropriate amount of contempt.  But she also said to me that no one wants to be judged by the worst thing they've ever done and that I am always quick to forgive others and give understanding when they share a wrong they have done with me.  She's right, I don't want to be known by the worst thing I have ever done and yet it will color my self-concept forever.

On the less enlightened side I shared some of this with my brother last night and his response was shocking and upsetting to me. He didn't feel I owed her an apology because in his mind she had never been a good friend to me, was an unhappy person and didn't deserve my regret.  I have no words to describe this response except to say that in no way do I agree with it and it seems and incredibly ignorant perspective to take.  Very few people ever understood our friendship, we were very different people with extremely different belief systems and backgrounds but that didn't matter.  From the moment we met in fourth grade she was my best friend until the day I killed that friendship.  I never tried to understand it or define it...I just accepted the gift and enjoyed it.  It doesn't matter if she was the perfect friend or not she didn't deserve the pain I caused.

So I am seeking atonement in the best way I know how, without looking to ease my conscious or validate my ego.  With full awareness and consciousness of the wrong I have done and wanting only to hold that in my awareness.  I seek nothing from her and only hope that she has happiness in her life.  She was my dearest friend and I love her.  She deserves happiness.