March 20th will be 6 months since my ex left. I don't think the time is significant per se but I can't help stopping to reflect when I realize how much time has passed. When he was in my life there was room for nothing more - only he mattered. All of my attention had to be focused on him. The time I spent with my son was grudgingly given and that is only because a thread of guilt would worm its way into his awareness and he would back off so I could have that time. Notice he didn't participate...he just isolated himself from us. My life was so small, so confined. I had friends but I never saw them and didn't speak with them; there was no time. He had to be my entire world.
Now, as I begin to see my life open up in many wonderful and unexpected ways I can't help but be aware that another entity has entered my life and is demanding that same focus of attention. It's not any healthier and is just as limiting. It's my job...my job! When my friend likened my worklife to third world country workers who work 18 hours a day and sleep in the factory at which they work it was not a good thing! I need to take notice of that. And although I am laughing as I write this, there is a thread of seriousness here that cannot be ignored.
I have struggled most of my life to find work that is meaningful to me. Going in and working a job where the end result is that a few profit enormously and the rest of the people who do the actual hard work are barely surviving financially has never been acceptable to me. I went to college to escape that scene. Now in some ways I am lucky, I have a job working at a rape crisis center and I find the work personally fulfilling. However...when you work 12 hours a day 10+ days in a row without overtime it can be rather draining.
How do you balance your life when you have to work and the work you do throws everything out of balance? Every day I take time to sit and meditate 30 minutes a day morning and evening but lately I've been so tired I've been falling asleep during both meditation times. I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home in the evening and crawl into bed. The only thing in between is work. I have no time to exercise, no time to cook, limited time with my son and I steal time away from sleep in order to connect with important people in my life...and the list of those people seems to grow daily, something I am incredibly happy about.
Now the voice of practicality is calmly telling me that I knew this job would demand sacrifice and I should stop my whining and get back to work if that's really all I have time to do during my day. It says that working in a non-profit crisis center means working long hours without the benefit of overtime or comp time and I knew that too. But I'm just not buying that it has to be that way - I don't believe that I have to sacrifice everything in order to do work that is meaningful to me.
As usual I don't know the answer. I'll have to find it as I make my way along this journey. Many people have told me that I need to find a new job and I'm certainly open to that possibility. In the meantime the closest I come to balance these days carrying an armload of items as I carefully make my way down my apartment stairs in heels trying not to fall.
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