I had an enlightening conversation with a friend this evening in which I came to understand the part I have played in the downfall of all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. I realized that I have held others responsible for the outcome of those relationships and that I made my responsibility in working toward the betterment of the relationship contingent upon the actions of the other people involved. If they didn't behave or act the way I thought they should I didn't continue to work at. I would feel hurt and victimized and justify my behavior as a reaction to what it is they had done. The problem with that is that's not what relationships are all about. Regardless of someone else's behavior I am capable of and have responsibility to act in a way that benefits the relationship. My behavior cannot be based on the actions of others but must be based on action that is healing and loving for all concerned because I am an equal partner in that relationship, not a victim and not a bystander.
That I did this causes me a great deal of pain because I have wrongfully blamed everyone else for my own behavior and for all the things that went wrong between us. As was pointed out to me I was in a position to heal and help others but I didn't do that even though I had the capacity to do so. I am especially saddened because in any relationship we are quite vulnerable and to have treated these people in this way must have hurt them considerably and I was the person delivering that hurt. I have talked about the love I have to give and my desire to ease the hurts of others as well as my own, but I must pay attention to my behavior and be aware of the quality of love that I am offering while understanding that my own behavior could contribute to their pain.
To satisfy my own sense of obligation I would work on the surface issues and would change my behavior somewhat, but certainly not in any sustainable way, only on the surface. As Ken Wilber discusses in "A Brief History of Everything" however, working only on the surface, without including the interior pathway lacks depth. There is no interior truth and that is exactly what was going on with me. I was so busy looking at everything but my own internal process that I would not see how I was hurting the interaction and the other people involved.
To say that this is not the person I wish to be is an incredible understatement. I don't wish to treat the people I interact with, work with and care about like this and I deeply regret my behavior. My love should not be conditional based on my judgment of another person's worthiness. I am no one to judge a person's worthiness and it doesn't figure into the equation in any case. Love is a gift given freely and any relationship in any context takes authentic effort on each person's behalf.
So now the work is about understanding all of this, seeing the entire picture, accepting and forgiving myself while truly embracing my forgiveness of the other people because I have no right to hold them accountable for actions in which I was complicit. That I acted in such an unhealthy way is awful and completely unacceptable to me, but to continue to behave in this fashion would be worse. So I must bring the work deeper to the interior pathway and through that process the exterior behavior will be more authentically congruent with the person I am working to become. Above all, I must accept responsibility to always work to find the better path when the road gets rocky because that's the deal in a relationship. This is exactly what I must do because chances are if the other person is behaving in a hurtful way they are hurting and to do otherwise only exacerbates the pain for everyone involved.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
A Gift of Love
This one's gong to be a long one, I've got a lot to say.
As I mentioned in my last post I was let go from my job on Tuesday, May 10th. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the action coming. I had been watching the whole plan unfold in front of me from the time I took the position in January until it was finally done. It's been a week and a half and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone at all. I didn't want to talk about what happened because I was angry and upset, felt the action was unjustified and part of one person's plan to control and manipulate the Board of Directors by continuing to bring specious claims against me so I would look bad in their eyes. I was angry, understandably so.
One of the things a therapist I worked with used to say to me was that anger was a secondary emotion, it never occurs alone. If you look past the anger that you're feeling you will find another emotion hiding underneath the anger, fueling it so it will burn bright enough that you don't see the primary emotion sitting there. Today I was presented with that primary emotion and it all became clear to me why I hadn't wanted to talk about what happened. I felt hurt for so many reasons and now I am able to embrace it and understand it.
Here's the thing, I studied psychology because I was clear that I wanted to make a difference by helping people. Through the process of my education I became disillusioned about the current perspective of modern psychology and therapy in particular, and its ability to actually help people in any sustainable and meaningful way. By the time I graduated I was looking at going in a completely different direction because I understood that anything I chose that conformed to an academic or corporate standard was going to be compromised from the get go.
During the course of my studies I began volunteering at a local rape crisis center. When I first heard you could do that I immediately wanted to volunteer because what better way to help people than to be there to offer support throughout a person's worst possible night? Being a rape crisis advocate was a labor of love for me and I felt privileged and blessed to have found the organization and the work because it definitely filled a need for me. After volunteering there for about a year and half I was hired to work there doing prevention and education in the community schools to educate kids about keeping themselves safe and how to recognize the dangers of sexual assault. This job was a dream come true for me. It was an opportunity to make a difference in my community and to serve an organization whose whole purpose and mission was the healing of survivors of sexual assault and the prevention of sexual assault for individuals in the community and the community at large. It was a house of healing and empowerment and I got to contribute a little piece in making that vision a reality. I felt blessed.
About a month into my working there I was given an additional job as the bookkeeper because I had a huge amount of experience as a bookkeeper and it was nice that those skills could be put to use again for a mission I believed in and supported. Since the organization was 98% grant funded accurate bookkeeping and responsible fiscal management were absolutely required to help keep the doors open. Every community needs a rape crisis center and when the doors shut on them it hurts everyone.
A month later, I decided to apply for the Executive Director's position. I did so with some hesitation and concern because I didn't have a lot of management experience, especially in terms of a non-profit. I hadn't much grant writing experience and no grant management experience. I wasn't sure I was up to the job and I didn't want to fail an organization that I felt was a vital asset to the community. However, looking at the applications that were coming in I felt I would be the best person to take leadership of that organization because I had an intimate understanding of how it was supposed to work. So I applied and got the job.
I have a rather non-corporate view of management. My default is to manage from an empowerment model, offering staff opportunities to develop their own skill sets so they can grow and move upward in their career path. I feel the best supervisors do not supervise from the top down but support from the bottom up giving their staff all that they need in order to do the jobs they have to do. In any crisis center it can be a very stressful and emotionally demanding environment. My job was to ease the stress as much as I could, give them all the resources at my fingertips and know where to get more if need be. From my perspective my staff shouldn't worry about how they are going to do their job and shouldn't have to worry about caring for themselves or their family because that takes away from their ability to perform well and everyone needed to be at the top of their game.
But moreover, my position as the Executive Director was my opportunity to pour all the love I bear for humanity into our volunteers, my staff and our survivors. I've taken a lot of criticism over the years about my desire to help, my deep love for humanity and the joy I get out of lending a hand without expectation of anything in return, people don't understand that. In this position and in this place I didn't have to explain that I could just give it. My own heart would be healed when I could see that something I did fed a piece of someone's soul. I have to admit it was somewhat backwards because I would give to them what I couldn't give to myself, but it was also deeper than that. It is the fact that we are all connected and when one of us is healed, all of us our healed to some degree. It took the hurt and pain caused by a horrible injustice and righted it a little not just for a survivor or a staff member or a volunteer but for all of us.
Shortly after I took the position it became clear that accomplishing my own personal mission and the mission of the organization wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped. Some members of the Board of Directors, a volunteer to the Board and a staff member didn't like the way I managed, didn't agree with my priorities and began a slow but steady campaign that ultimately led to my termination. The Board began to micromanage and dealing with some of them began to take on eerie similarities to my recent abusive relationship. Their treatment of me and the actions of one staff member who was tightly connected to certain members of the Board hurt not only me but other staff members, volunteers and clients as well. The situation was not good and ultimately led not just to my termination but two others as well, equally unjust and totally without cause.
Today, I ran into a friend and a previous co-worker who was also a casualty of this sad and unfortunate action. She shared with me the words that others have shared with her upon hearing about all that happened to us. It was the words words of volunteers and clients about their hurt over my termination that brought me to realize the pain and the hurt I have felt over all that has happened. I didn't want to acknowledge the pain because I didn't want the Board and this staff member to have the ability to hurt me. But here's what I've learned about that thus far. It's not really about the emotion I experienced as a result of their misguided actions, that's not what is important here. What is important is the statement their actions make about the environment that operates not just in my sad little community but in communities and corporations all over the world. We are all hurt by injustice and it happens on a daily basis everywhere.
When any one of us experiences hurt or injustice we are all hurt. We are all connected by Spirit and what happens to one of us happens to us all. What has been really profound for me is not what I experienced specifically but what I have heard from other people once they realized I was gone. They say the organization is not the same, that you can feel the spirit of me all over that organization and that the love and care that I poured into the organization and the people in it, volunteers, staff and survivors alike is only a memory, that is the greatest tragedy of all.
What was ultimately a power play for a few select people on the Board was a labor of love for me and for the other staff members who were let go. The Board has allowed their myopic, group-think perspective to dominate their actions so much so that they didn't bother to even investigate the claims that were made against us. They have taken people away who worked from their heart, who would have done the work for free, who sacrificed time with their families, their own needs and sometimes their own well-being in light of their dedication to easing the pain of another, that did not matter to them. That people who truly loved what they did, who they served and who gave their love and support in a place where love should be paramount was not of any consideration. The care of the clients didn't figure at all in their actions, only the preservation of their power and that is what hurts me more than anything.
This is such a common problem and is not the first time I have run afoul of it. Previous times, however, it happened in corporations where I'm sad to say I rather expected it. I didn't expect it in an organization that is supposed to be dedicated to the empowerment and healing of other people. I didn't expect injustice to reign in an organization that was supposed to support survivors in their own quest for justice. I didn't expect a house of healing to cause so much hurt and to continue to let the actions of one insecure, inappropriate person rule the adequately working brains of people whose job it was to support that organization.
Maybe I'm naive for not expecting these things, but in my mind we shouldn't expect them, we should be motivated to action by them. We should not take the stance that this is the world we live in and these things are just going to happen, because the power hungry overlords will cannibalize anyone for their own personal gain and run roughshod over the rest of us who are trying to make this a better place. Part of taking self-responsibility is taking responsibility for the world we live in and realizing that our actions and inactions make an impact on what that world looks like and the environment in which we all get to live.
Have they taken away my ablity to pour love out to people and make a difference in my community? Of course not. But I am deeply saddened by the actions of those who don't have the welfare of their fellow humans uppermost in their minds, and instead value their own personal power and welfare above all that is decent and good. And I am saddened for those who have been hurt by all that has happened at my former place of employment, including my friends and co-workers and yes, even me. It was a gift of love and for the sake of power they just threw it all away.
So I am continuing to process this, ensuring I sit and reflect upon it and am trying to walk away with as many lessons learned as I can so this experience does not go to waste. My heart hurts for the survivors who were going to call me and let me know the outcome of their situations. Will they find someone they can trust enough to talk with there? I hope so. Does this change who I am? No, I am so much more than my job or my feelings or even my desire to help. Those things come out of who I am, they don't define who I am. So for now I mourn the loss of a dream and a vision that made it possible for me to get up, go to work and give it my all even when the environment was abusive and hurtful because it was for the sake of the people I served, volunteers, staff, clients and community members alike that I did it and I found meaning in it. We all have a gift of love to give, we should be able to give it.
As I mentioned in my last post I was let go from my job on Tuesday, May 10th. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the action coming. I had been watching the whole plan unfold in front of me from the time I took the position in January until it was finally done. It's been a week and a half and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone at all. I didn't want to talk about what happened because I was angry and upset, felt the action was unjustified and part of one person's plan to control and manipulate the Board of Directors by continuing to bring specious claims against me so I would look bad in their eyes. I was angry, understandably so.
One of the things a therapist I worked with used to say to me was that anger was a secondary emotion, it never occurs alone. If you look past the anger that you're feeling you will find another emotion hiding underneath the anger, fueling it so it will burn bright enough that you don't see the primary emotion sitting there. Today I was presented with that primary emotion and it all became clear to me why I hadn't wanted to talk about what happened. I felt hurt for so many reasons and now I am able to embrace it and understand it.
Here's the thing, I studied psychology because I was clear that I wanted to make a difference by helping people. Through the process of my education I became disillusioned about the current perspective of modern psychology and therapy in particular, and its ability to actually help people in any sustainable and meaningful way. By the time I graduated I was looking at going in a completely different direction because I understood that anything I chose that conformed to an academic or corporate standard was going to be compromised from the get go.
During the course of my studies I began volunteering at a local rape crisis center. When I first heard you could do that I immediately wanted to volunteer because what better way to help people than to be there to offer support throughout a person's worst possible night? Being a rape crisis advocate was a labor of love for me and I felt privileged and blessed to have found the organization and the work because it definitely filled a need for me. After volunteering there for about a year and half I was hired to work there doing prevention and education in the community schools to educate kids about keeping themselves safe and how to recognize the dangers of sexual assault. This job was a dream come true for me. It was an opportunity to make a difference in my community and to serve an organization whose whole purpose and mission was the healing of survivors of sexual assault and the prevention of sexual assault for individuals in the community and the community at large. It was a house of healing and empowerment and I got to contribute a little piece in making that vision a reality. I felt blessed.
About a month into my working there I was given an additional job as the bookkeeper because I had a huge amount of experience as a bookkeeper and it was nice that those skills could be put to use again for a mission I believed in and supported. Since the organization was 98% grant funded accurate bookkeeping and responsible fiscal management were absolutely required to help keep the doors open. Every community needs a rape crisis center and when the doors shut on them it hurts everyone.
A month later, I decided to apply for the Executive Director's position. I did so with some hesitation and concern because I didn't have a lot of management experience, especially in terms of a non-profit. I hadn't much grant writing experience and no grant management experience. I wasn't sure I was up to the job and I didn't want to fail an organization that I felt was a vital asset to the community. However, looking at the applications that were coming in I felt I would be the best person to take leadership of that organization because I had an intimate understanding of how it was supposed to work. So I applied and got the job.
I have a rather non-corporate view of management. My default is to manage from an empowerment model, offering staff opportunities to develop their own skill sets so they can grow and move upward in their career path. I feel the best supervisors do not supervise from the top down but support from the bottom up giving their staff all that they need in order to do the jobs they have to do. In any crisis center it can be a very stressful and emotionally demanding environment. My job was to ease the stress as much as I could, give them all the resources at my fingertips and know where to get more if need be. From my perspective my staff shouldn't worry about how they are going to do their job and shouldn't have to worry about caring for themselves or their family because that takes away from their ability to perform well and everyone needed to be at the top of their game.
But moreover, my position as the Executive Director was my opportunity to pour all the love I bear for humanity into our volunteers, my staff and our survivors. I've taken a lot of criticism over the years about my desire to help, my deep love for humanity and the joy I get out of lending a hand without expectation of anything in return, people don't understand that. In this position and in this place I didn't have to explain that I could just give it. My own heart would be healed when I could see that something I did fed a piece of someone's soul. I have to admit it was somewhat backwards because I would give to them what I couldn't give to myself, but it was also deeper than that. It is the fact that we are all connected and when one of us is healed, all of us our healed to some degree. It took the hurt and pain caused by a horrible injustice and righted it a little not just for a survivor or a staff member or a volunteer but for all of us.
Shortly after I took the position it became clear that accomplishing my own personal mission and the mission of the organization wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped. Some members of the Board of Directors, a volunteer to the Board and a staff member didn't like the way I managed, didn't agree with my priorities and began a slow but steady campaign that ultimately led to my termination. The Board began to micromanage and dealing with some of them began to take on eerie similarities to my recent abusive relationship. Their treatment of me and the actions of one staff member who was tightly connected to certain members of the Board hurt not only me but other staff members, volunteers and clients as well. The situation was not good and ultimately led not just to my termination but two others as well, equally unjust and totally without cause.
Today, I ran into a friend and a previous co-worker who was also a casualty of this sad and unfortunate action. She shared with me the words that others have shared with her upon hearing about all that happened to us. It was the words words of volunteers and clients about their hurt over my termination that brought me to realize the pain and the hurt I have felt over all that has happened. I didn't want to acknowledge the pain because I didn't want the Board and this staff member to have the ability to hurt me. But here's what I've learned about that thus far. It's not really about the emotion I experienced as a result of their misguided actions, that's not what is important here. What is important is the statement their actions make about the environment that operates not just in my sad little community but in communities and corporations all over the world. We are all hurt by injustice and it happens on a daily basis everywhere.
When any one of us experiences hurt or injustice we are all hurt. We are all connected by Spirit and what happens to one of us happens to us all. What has been really profound for me is not what I experienced specifically but what I have heard from other people once they realized I was gone. They say the organization is not the same, that you can feel the spirit of me all over that organization and that the love and care that I poured into the organization and the people in it, volunteers, staff and survivors alike is only a memory, that is the greatest tragedy of all.
What was ultimately a power play for a few select people on the Board was a labor of love for me and for the other staff members who were let go. The Board has allowed their myopic, group-think perspective to dominate their actions so much so that they didn't bother to even investigate the claims that were made against us. They have taken people away who worked from their heart, who would have done the work for free, who sacrificed time with their families, their own needs and sometimes their own well-being in light of their dedication to easing the pain of another, that did not matter to them. That people who truly loved what they did, who they served and who gave their love and support in a place where love should be paramount was not of any consideration. The care of the clients didn't figure at all in their actions, only the preservation of their power and that is what hurts me more than anything.
This is such a common problem and is not the first time I have run afoul of it. Previous times, however, it happened in corporations where I'm sad to say I rather expected it. I didn't expect it in an organization that is supposed to be dedicated to the empowerment and healing of other people. I didn't expect injustice to reign in an organization that was supposed to support survivors in their own quest for justice. I didn't expect a house of healing to cause so much hurt and to continue to let the actions of one insecure, inappropriate person rule the adequately working brains of people whose job it was to support that organization.
Maybe I'm naive for not expecting these things, but in my mind we shouldn't expect them, we should be motivated to action by them. We should not take the stance that this is the world we live in and these things are just going to happen, because the power hungry overlords will cannibalize anyone for their own personal gain and run roughshod over the rest of us who are trying to make this a better place. Part of taking self-responsibility is taking responsibility for the world we live in and realizing that our actions and inactions make an impact on what that world looks like and the environment in which we all get to live.
Have they taken away my ablity to pour love out to people and make a difference in my community? Of course not. But I am deeply saddened by the actions of those who don't have the welfare of their fellow humans uppermost in their minds, and instead value their own personal power and welfare above all that is decent and good. And I am saddened for those who have been hurt by all that has happened at my former place of employment, including my friends and co-workers and yes, even me. It was a gift of love and for the sake of power they just threw it all away.
So I am continuing to process this, ensuring I sit and reflect upon it and am trying to walk away with as many lessons learned as I can so this experience does not go to waste. My heart hurts for the survivors who were going to call me and let me know the outcome of their situations. Will they find someone they can trust enough to talk with there? I hope so. Does this change who I am? No, I am so much more than my job or my feelings or even my desire to help. Those things come out of who I am, they don't define who I am. So for now I mourn the loss of a dream and a vision that made it possible for me to get up, go to work and give it my all even when the environment was abusive and hurtful because it was for the sake of the people I served, volunteers, staff, clients and community members alike that I did it and I found meaning in it. We all have a gift of love to give, we should be able to give it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Illusion of Busyness
It starts out innocuously enough, you don't mean to over schedule you just want to help a friend out, you don't realize how much time it's going to take. Then you haven't seen another friend in a really long time so you make time to go see them. Next you're working on something with some other friends and that needs your time and attention so you attend to that. Your other friends are moving and this is the last chance to see them so you take off to go see them. Family is complaining you haven't been very available lately so you go see them. You have a child, or two or three and they need attention so you attend to them. Then all the household stuff needs to be done so you aren't living in a bug-infested heap so you go and attend to that. You don't mean to get so busy there's no time to think, reflect, study, read, consider, meditate, sleep...it just happens.
Last Tuesday I lost my job and you would think I would have a lot of time on my hands. I don't. I'm home more than I was when I was working but often those are in five minute increments between other things I have to run off and do. Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it keeps you from doing important, self-care type things the busyness becomes an obstacle to our development.
On Sunday I spent time with my dear friend Beth who is one of the most deeply spiritual people I know. She is a UU minister so it's not much of a surprise that she is deeply spiritual and we have some of the best conversations about our own spiritual and emotional processes, life and everything else. At one point during our conversation I looked at her and said that I felt as though I had hit a plateau in my spiritual development. We talked about why I felt that way, what I needed to do to resolve it, reasons why that might have happened, etc. but after talking I still didn't feel that I had a clue.
Today I finally took some time to sit and reflect on what is going on. I realize that spiritual development isn't something that just happens because we want it to or in the time frame we would like it to, but when you are working on any type of development at all there is a sense of the task at hand and I don't have a sense of the task at hand. Thankfully, a friend posted Steven Barnes' blog about adult responsibility and it was exactly what I needed to see. Okay, my busyness hasn't gotten completely out of hand yet, but it could if I continue to operate the way I have been.
Really it comes down to a matter of prioritizing. I did a little dialogue with myself to process through what is going on and the first thing that I realized was I'm not home enough to give myself the time I need to be still and quiet so I can process everything that is going on with me. When I was working 50+ hours a week that was a bit more understandable, but now I don't have that excuse. My job isn't requiring this crazy schedule, I'm creating it for myself. The other thing I realized is that there is an element of fear at work here that has been stopping me from creating the time and space I need to develop the life I really want. But fear can't stop me, because if I let fear stop me every time I need to do something I'll never get anything done.
It was time to take myself in hand and have a firm conversation with myself which is exactly what I did. Steve Barnes pointed out that we often accept excuses from ourselves that we would never accept from our children. Well, that can't continue to happen. However, instead of coming down with righteous wrath on myself I need to deal with myself in the same way I would deal with my child, with a good balance of firmness, humor, acceptance and love. So in my dialogue I did that and although I didn't let myself get away with any lame excuses I also laughed a lot at the illusion I had created.
I've made a lot of commitments this week and at this point letting go of any of them would let people I care about down so I am going to ride out the rest of the week knowing that as I begin scheduling for next week my priorities must come first and cannot be shoved aside for something more pleasant or easier to do. Is it difficult to do this? Yes and no. We all struggle with doing things we don't want to do, but really, in the end, if you step back from all the feelings you are having and look at the bigger picture it's not hard to do. Either you are going to create the life you want or you won't, it's up to you not some magical intervention on your behalf. God isn't going to reach a hand down from the Heavens and rearrange everything for me, I have to do it. It's about accepting responsibility for my life and mine is the only hand that can create the life I want.
Am I going to screw up? Inevitably, but that doesn't mean you throw the whole thing out the window and decide you just can't do it. You get as many chances as it takes until you stop drawing breath. Sure, some opportunities get lost if you don't move quickly enough but others come your way, you just have to be open. So now, I am going to accept responsibility for the schedule I have created and really look at what my life needs, what I want and how to accomplish it. It's not that difficult to do. Getting past the feelings such as the fear, the inadequacy, the guilt and whatever else comes up is really the hardest part because that's the part that messes with our brain. Ultimately though, they're just feelings, a chemical dump of neurotransmitters that don't necessarily represent reality or truth. So dive in, shake yourself by the scruff of your neck if you need to and then give yourself a hug afterwards but take up your life. I'm taking up mine and I accept the responsibility for creating it and maintaining. It's supposed to be what I want, right? So, go for it!
Last Tuesday I lost my job and you would think I would have a lot of time on my hands. I don't. I'm home more than I was when I was working but often those are in five minute increments between other things I have to run off and do. Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it keeps you from doing important, self-care type things the busyness becomes an obstacle to our development.
On Sunday I spent time with my dear friend Beth who is one of the most deeply spiritual people I know. She is a UU minister so it's not much of a surprise that she is deeply spiritual and we have some of the best conversations about our own spiritual and emotional processes, life and everything else. At one point during our conversation I looked at her and said that I felt as though I had hit a plateau in my spiritual development. We talked about why I felt that way, what I needed to do to resolve it, reasons why that might have happened, etc. but after talking I still didn't feel that I had a clue.
Today I finally took some time to sit and reflect on what is going on. I realize that spiritual development isn't something that just happens because we want it to or in the time frame we would like it to, but when you are working on any type of development at all there is a sense of the task at hand and I don't have a sense of the task at hand. Thankfully, a friend posted Steven Barnes' blog about adult responsibility and it was exactly what I needed to see. Okay, my busyness hasn't gotten completely out of hand yet, but it could if I continue to operate the way I have been.
Really it comes down to a matter of prioritizing. I did a little dialogue with myself to process through what is going on and the first thing that I realized was I'm not home enough to give myself the time I need to be still and quiet so I can process everything that is going on with me. When I was working 50+ hours a week that was a bit more understandable, but now I don't have that excuse. My job isn't requiring this crazy schedule, I'm creating it for myself. The other thing I realized is that there is an element of fear at work here that has been stopping me from creating the time and space I need to develop the life I really want. But fear can't stop me, because if I let fear stop me every time I need to do something I'll never get anything done.
It was time to take myself in hand and have a firm conversation with myself which is exactly what I did. Steve Barnes pointed out that we often accept excuses from ourselves that we would never accept from our children. Well, that can't continue to happen. However, instead of coming down with righteous wrath on myself I need to deal with myself in the same way I would deal with my child, with a good balance of firmness, humor, acceptance and love. So in my dialogue I did that and although I didn't let myself get away with any lame excuses I also laughed a lot at the illusion I had created.
I've made a lot of commitments this week and at this point letting go of any of them would let people I care about down so I am going to ride out the rest of the week knowing that as I begin scheduling for next week my priorities must come first and cannot be shoved aside for something more pleasant or easier to do. Is it difficult to do this? Yes and no. We all struggle with doing things we don't want to do, but really, in the end, if you step back from all the feelings you are having and look at the bigger picture it's not hard to do. Either you are going to create the life you want or you won't, it's up to you not some magical intervention on your behalf. God isn't going to reach a hand down from the Heavens and rearrange everything for me, I have to do it. It's about accepting responsibility for my life and mine is the only hand that can create the life I want.
Am I going to screw up? Inevitably, but that doesn't mean you throw the whole thing out the window and decide you just can't do it. You get as many chances as it takes until you stop drawing breath. Sure, some opportunities get lost if you don't move quickly enough but others come your way, you just have to be open. So now, I am going to accept responsibility for the schedule I have created and really look at what my life needs, what I want and how to accomplish it. It's not that difficult to do. Getting past the feelings such as the fear, the inadequacy, the guilt and whatever else comes up is really the hardest part because that's the part that messes with our brain. Ultimately though, they're just feelings, a chemical dump of neurotransmitters that don't necessarily represent reality or truth. So dive in, shake yourself by the scruff of your neck if you need to and then give yourself a hug afterwards but take up your life. I'm taking up mine and I accept the responsibility for creating it and maintaining. It's supposed to be what I want, right? So, go for it!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I Choose Peace
I had a rough day yesterday. It was a good thing I got up early to walk and meditate because I was better prepared for it than I might otherwise have been. Not to say I didn't have my moments of getting caught up in all the emotion that was flying around, I did, but overall I have to say I did better than I would have a month ago.
Historically, taking criticism hasn't been an easy thing for me. Mostly because I would take it all in, accept it all as true and feel defeated by the whole interaction. My own desires to be perfect in the eyes of the world, and in my own eyes, certainly contributed to that. Other people's perspectives were taken in as completely true without me considering my own perspective on the matter and because of both those things I would never defend myself, or speak my own truth. That was not the case yesterday.
Yesterday in a series of meetings I was taken to task for various situations that have recently come about. In many cases I was told how I felt, what I was thinking and what my intentions were by other people. Before now that would have devastated me because the picture they were creating was not a pleasant one, but it also wasn't accurate from my perspective. This time I wasn't devastated, I was determined and I think I'm finally beginning to understand the difference between stress and strain. Through this process I am becoming stronger. Through this process I am learning the value of considering other perspectives but not just accepting them as true. Through this process I am learning about myself, what is important to me in the work I do and just exactly who I choose to be in these situations.
Today, I choose peace. Regardless of what comes my way today I can choose to respond in a peaceful way, which doesn't mean just sitting down and accepting whatever is said, but that when I do speak I come from a place of peace even if I don't agree. Today I choose to let my love shine for all of the people I work with, even the ones who are sometimes a challenge to love. I choose a smile over a frown, laughter instead of cynicism, understanding in place of condemnation while remembering that we are all unhappy with the situation before us and the best thing we can do is work to make it better. I understand who I am and what I am trying to accomplish even if no one else does and today, that is enough.
Oh yeah, another 5:00am walk with my son and some really good meditation time. I really like doing this.
Love to you all.
Historically, taking criticism hasn't been an easy thing for me. Mostly because I would take it all in, accept it all as true and feel defeated by the whole interaction. My own desires to be perfect in the eyes of the world, and in my own eyes, certainly contributed to that. Other people's perspectives were taken in as completely true without me considering my own perspective on the matter and because of both those things I would never defend myself, or speak my own truth. That was not the case yesterday.
Yesterday in a series of meetings I was taken to task for various situations that have recently come about. In many cases I was told how I felt, what I was thinking and what my intentions were by other people. Before now that would have devastated me because the picture they were creating was not a pleasant one, but it also wasn't accurate from my perspective. This time I wasn't devastated, I was determined and I think I'm finally beginning to understand the difference between stress and strain. Through this process I am becoming stronger. Through this process I am learning the value of considering other perspectives but not just accepting them as true. Through this process I am learning about myself, what is important to me in the work I do and just exactly who I choose to be in these situations.
Today, I choose peace. Regardless of what comes my way today I can choose to respond in a peaceful way, which doesn't mean just sitting down and accepting whatever is said, but that when I do speak I come from a place of peace even if I don't agree. Today I choose to let my love shine for all of the people I work with, even the ones who are sometimes a challenge to love. I choose a smile over a frown, laughter instead of cynicism, understanding in place of condemnation while remembering that we are all unhappy with the situation before us and the best thing we can do is work to make it better. I understand who I am and what I am trying to accomplish even if no one else does and today, that is enough.
Oh yeah, another 5:00am walk with my son and some really good meditation time. I really like doing this.
Love to you all.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Out of the Mouths of Babes
This morning I had one of those forehead smacked moments. It actually started with a conversation I had with my son last night before bed. He was asking me about ways that he could become more healthy and more fit. This is something I have been working on myself but have been finding difficult to incorporate into my own life. We talked about changes we could make in our diet, incorporating exercise and as we continued to talk I realized this was a perfect opportunity for me to bring in the changes I have been wanting to make while including my son in the process. So we made a deal. We would get up at 5:00AM, take a 2 mile walk, fix a healthy breakfast and get on with our day.
This morning 4:30 came and I woke up, ready to get started with our plan. I got my son up at 5:00 and we went for our walk. As we were walking, we talked about various things. Iain was his usual jovial self and I found myself relaxed and enjoying the conversation instead of stressing about time and getting everything done as I usually do in the morning. It was wonderful. Taking the time to walk together meant we were spending time together without the distraction of the television, internet, video games and phone calls that usually get in our way. It was exactly what we both needed.
Needless to say the morning flowed beautifully from there. I had time to meditate, get ready, fix a healthy breakfast for both of us. Iain got to school early, which he likes to do, and I got to work early which I like to do. I was energized, relaxed, focused and excited about my day and so was Iain.
The thing is, I understand that children learn best from modeling. I want my son to feel empowered in his own life and understand that he has the capacity to make the changes he wants and to get results. The only way for him to learn that he can do this is to show him, he has to do it. In order for him to do it he needs my help and support. Now I have been able to make all the stupid excuses I want about my own life, I'm too busy, there's not enough time, I'm too tired and all can be justified because I work a lot. But the truth is, they're just excuses and I know it. Do I want my son to learn to make excuses to stay in a place he doesn't wish to be? Of course not. So now I'm motivated to change because the truth is our lives will only change if we make the changes we want.
Would it be better if I could have made these changes on my own behalf? Of course! These are things I've known I needed to do for a while now, but I haven't been doing them. So now, I'm given the opportunity to do so through my son. Make no mistake, I realize this is an opportunity for me as well. The time has come to stop making excuses and to fully embrace this part of my life as well, to move closer to living the life I want to have, to be the person I say I am and from that my son will learn that he can be the person he wishes to be, but I will learn that to.
So tomorrow morning we will wake up at 5:00AM, have another wonderful walk and conversation, a healthy breakfast and another start to a day full of opportunities. These are the changes I've needed to make and the solution came from my son. Out of the mouths of babes...
This morning 4:30 came and I woke up, ready to get started with our plan. I got my son up at 5:00 and we went for our walk. As we were walking, we talked about various things. Iain was his usual jovial self and I found myself relaxed and enjoying the conversation instead of stressing about time and getting everything done as I usually do in the morning. It was wonderful. Taking the time to walk together meant we were spending time together without the distraction of the television, internet, video games and phone calls that usually get in our way. It was exactly what we both needed.
Needless to say the morning flowed beautifully from there. I had time to meditate, get ready, fix a healthy breakfast for both of us. Iain got to school early, which he likes to do, and I got to work early which I like to do. I was energized, relaxed, focused and excited about my day and so was Iain.
The thing is, I understand that children learn best from modeling. I want my son to feel empowered in his own life and understand that he has the capacity to make the changes he wants and to get results. The only way for him to learn that he can do this is to show him, he has to do it. In order for him to do it he needs my help and support. Now I have been able to make all the stupid excuses I want about my own life, I'm too busy, there's not enough time, I'm too tired and all can be justified because I work a lot. But the truth is, they're just excuses and I know it. Do I want my son to learn to make excuses to stay in a place he doesn't wish to be? Of course not. So now I'm motivated to change because the truth is our lives will only change if we make the changes we want.
Would it be better if I could have made these changes on my own behalf? Of course! These are things I've known I needed to do for a while now, but I haven't been doing them. So now, I'm given the opportunity to do so through my son. Make no mistake, I realize this is an opportunity for me as well. The time has come to stop making excuses and to fully embrace this part of my life as well, to move closer to living the life I want to have, to be the person I say I am and from that my son will learn that he can be the person he wishes to be, but I will learn that to.
So tomorrow morning we will wake up at 5:00AM, have another wonderful walk and conversation, a healthy breakfast and another start to a day full of opportunities. These are the changes I've needed to make and the solution came from my son. Out of the mouths of babes...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)