Over the course of our lives we have so many relationships - family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships - and each relationships has its own life course, its own journey. Often when we enter into relationships we think that they will last forever. Wonderful people come into our lives for various reasons and we think that we will have those people in our lives forever. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's not.
For most of my life I've been a "till-death-do-us-part" kind of person. I would work and work and work to keep friendships and romantic relationships alive long past their expiration date. It's only been in the last year that I have come to understand that holding on to a relationship that has ended can damage us. Not only can it cause us pain, it can chip away at the foundation of who we are and if we don't see that, we end up sacrificing ourselves in order to try to keep the relationship alive.
Sometimes relationships stagnate. Sometimes they turn toxic. Sometimes they just stop. If we're lucky, instead of ending, relationships can transform into something different and the connection with the other person can continue, but in a different form than it was before. The important thing to realize is that we do no good to ourselves, to each other, or to the relationship if we continue to hold on when we need to let go and walk away.
I think it can be difficult for people who want to be considered "good" people to feel as if they have to hold on; keep trying. The truth is that we do more good if we honor the lifespan of the relationship and walk away when it becomes clear that what once was is no more. In holding on we run the risk of becoming bitter and angry, trying to force something into a shape that it can no longer hold. Or even worse, we lose ourselves in the effort and the continual attempt to mold the relationship back into what it was. Every effort becomes a self-sabotaging behavior and if we continue we run the risk of losing our dignity, our self-respect, and our personal truth.
When a relationship ends, the signs tend to be pretty obvious. What makes them difficult to see is our unwillingness to acknowledge that the signs are there. We want things to remain the same for many reasons - we're comfortable with what we know, we're afraid to face a loss, we don't want to feel as though we have failed.
Recently, I've had to examine whether or not I contributed to the ending of a couple of close relationships and it's almost easier to take the responsibility upon myself, but I really can't do that. In these relationships I have done everything I can to keep the relationship alive. What is different this time, is that I have been able to acknowledge that there's nothing more to be done. The relationships have ended and it's time to let them go.
It's important to love yourself carefully and gently through this process. To be as honest as you can without shaming yourself, falsely assigning blame to yourself or to the other person. It's also important to acknowledge that not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime and that it's ending isn't a necessarily a bad thing, it is just over. That doesn't mean that we won't feel grief or sadness at the loss of the relationship; if it was a good relationship we probably will. That cannot get in the way of being able to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer able to serve the purpose it once did and that if it can't transform and serve something else within us, it is done.
Watch your anger if it comes up for you during these times. Chances are your anger is hiding sadness, hurt or fear. You are better served by dealing with the root emotion under the anger than the anger itself because the anger isn't the problem. Instead it is a protective mechanism designed to keep us from feeling the more painful feelings. Anger is easier, but the real issue at hand is the hurt or the sadness or the fear. And above all, don't be afraid to honor yourself and the relationship by walking away when it is time. If you are able to walk away, you're more likely to see the gifts and opportunities that the relationship brought into your life instead of the damage that is left by trying to keep it alive.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
How Much is Enough?
I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. It's come up in every aspect of my life. In my education, in my work both as a social work intern and a research assistant, and in my personal life. I think sometimes it can be difficult to answer this question because it gets all tied up in things that confuse us like our attachment to an outcome, our desire to provide service, our love for the people close to us, and the expectations of others. Sometimes when we seek to answer this question we may have a different idea of what is enough than the person or situation to which we are giving.
The questions that have come up for me in terms of giving enough are, am I learning enough to do the work I have trained for? Am I doing enough to prepare for my future? Have I explained enough, given enough time, enough examples, for people to understand what they have to do? Have I provided everything I reasonably can to my clients and what am I reasonably expected to give in my role as a social worker? Have I shown enough appreciation to my friends and loved ones? Have I given the people I care about enough time, understanding, compassion, and care? All of these questions can be hard to answer if you don't have a reasonable understanding of what is enough for you as well as your own internal signals for having reached the level of enough.
There are some people for whom an infinite amount of giving will never be enough and if you aren't careful they will drain you dry. There are some people for whom your very existence is enough and no effort on your part is required. And there are those for whom whatever you have to give is sufficient and when you say it's enough for you, it's enough for them too. For giving, I've learned to how to gauge how much is enough. It took running on the ragged edge of exhaustion to learn that I have limits on how much I can give and that I have to respect those limits. I've learned to examine whether or not I've done everything I reasonably can and whether or not I am able to more when more is justifiably called for. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I've found the strength within me to say it's enough when it's warranted.
For me, receiving enough is much more difficult. I'm used to living on a pretty lean diet of receiving and I've lived most of my life believing that I didn't deserve more. I've gotten so used to receiving so little that sometimes, when people want to give me more, I'm not really sure what to do with it and I feel uncomfortable and awkward but I continue to work on this because I've learned in the last year that I am deserving of people's love and care; not because I give so much but because they feel I'm deserving of it and I have to honor that in them and in myself. In doing this I have learned how to recognize when something isn't enough for me and to honor that within myself. I've learned not to judge the situation or person that falls short of enough, and instead walk away understanding that it just isn't enough for me.
I've had to learn that sometimes enough means stopping and walking away. I've had to learn when I've reached the limit of my abilities or my role. As a mother, I've learned that there really isn't a limit on how much you love and care for your child, it's never enough. As a friend I've had to learn when the friendship comes to its natural end, and I've learned that there will be some people who will always be there for you and sometimes that knowledge is enough. And most importantly I've learned that there really can be enough giving, enough caring, enough supporting, enough teaching, and enough loving, and that it's really okay to tell the world to go away for a day or two and give to yourself, because the love we have for ourselves is the most important enough question we have to answer - do I love myself enough to take care of me and what I need today and not anyone else?
For those of us in a profession of service, there will be many times when it seems like our efforts aren't enough. As lovers, as family members, parents, and friends, there will always be a demand for our time and attention and it's easy to feel as if you never give enough. As human beings there will be times when we will be tempted to give beyond what is reasonable, what is called for and what is effective. That's okay, it's important to do those things so we learn the limits of enough for ourselves and for others. And most of all, no matter how much we give or receive we can never lose sight that we are enough, even if other people can't always see that.
At the end of the day, or of the session, or the relationship what we have to be able to do is say that we did all that was reasonable and called for. That we made every true effort to do our best. When we can't say those things, and we will all have those moments, then we have to be able to look honestly within ourselves and figure out why we fell short and do what we can to fix the problem. Hopefully we learn to stop before enough becomes too much. And hopefully we learn that what we have to give and receive is enough somewhere with someone.
The questions that have come up for me in terms of giving enough are, am I learning enough to do the work I have trained for? Am I doing enough to prepare for my future? Have I explained enough, given enough time, enough examples, for people to understand what they have to do? Have I provided everything I reasonably can to my clients and what am I reasonably expected to give in my role as a social worker? Have I shown enough appreciation to my friends and loved ones? Have I given the people I care about enough time, understanding, compassion, and care? All of these questions can be hard to answer if you don't have a reasonable understanding of what is enough for you as well as your own internal signals for having reached the level of enough.
There are some people for whom an infinite amount of giving will never be enough and if you aren't careful they will drain you dry. There are some people for whom your very existence is enough and no effort on your part is required. And there are those for whom whatever you have to give is sufficient and when you say it's enough for you, it's enough for them too. For giving, I've learned to how to gauge how much is enough. It took running on the ragged edge of exhaustion to learn that I have limits on how much I can give and that I have to respect those limits. I've learned to examine whether or not I've done everything I reasonably can and whether or not I am able to more when more is justifiably called for. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I've found the strength within me to say it's enough when it's warranted.
For me, receiving enough is much more difficult. I'm used to living on a pretty lean diet of receiving and I've lived most of my life believing that I didn't deserve more. I've gotten so used to receiving so little that sometimes, when people want to give me more, I'm not really sure what to do with it and I feel uncomfortable and awkward but I continue to work on this because I've learned in the last year that I am deserving of people's love and care; not because I give so much but because they feel I'm deserving of it and I have to honor that in them and in myself. In doing this I have learned how to recognize when something isn't enough for me and to honor that within myself. I've learned not to judge the situation or person that falls short of enough, and instead walk away understanding that it just isn't enough for me.
I've had to learn that sometimes enough means stopping and walking away. I've had to learn when I've reached the limit of my abilities or my role. As a mother, I've learned that there really isn't a limit on how much you love and care for your child, it's never enough. As a friend I've had to learn when the friendship comes to its natural end, and I've learned that there will be some people who will always be there for you and sometimes that knowledge is enough. And most importantly I've learned that there really can be enough giving, enough caring, enough supporting, enough teaching, and enough loving, and that it's really okay to tell the world to go away for a day or two and give to yourself, because the love we have for ourselves is the most important enough question we have to answer - do I love myself enough to take care of me and what I need today and not anyone else?
For those of us in a profession of service, there will be many times when it seems like our efforts aren't enough. As lovers, as family members, parents, and friends, there will always be a demand for our time and attention and it's easy to feel as if you never give enough. As human beings there will be times when we will be tempted to give beyond what is reasonable, what is called for and what is effective. That's okay, it's important to do those things so we learn the limits of enough for ourselves and for others. And most of all, no matter how much we give or receive we can never lose sight that we are enough, even if other people can't always see that.
At the end of the day, or of the session, or the relationship what we have to be able to do is say that we did all that was reasonable and called for. That we made every true effort to do our best. When we can't say those things, and we will all have those moments, then we have to be able to look honestly within ourselves and figure out why we fell short and do what we can to fix the problem. Hopefully we learn to stop before enough becomes too much. And hopefully we learn that what we have to give and receive is enough somewhere with someone.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Acceptance
The last two weeks have been some of the most intense, demanding weeks of my life. I'm in my last quarter of graduate school, I am a graduate research assistant tutoring at least half of my own cohort and members of the other MSW cohorts. I don't even want to add up the number of people I've met with to help them run their statistics, interpret and report their results, and now one of my professors has requested my tutoring assistance for her doctoral program. I'm applying for a job at several counties which will be very demanding of my time and my skills and will bring about significant change in my life in many different ways. I'm working a very difficult case at my internship that takes up most of the 2 1/2 days I am there while writing a court report and helping other interns with their reports. I just had a personal issue come up with my son that required all the social work skills I could muster and will take a good chunk of time and attention to resolve. I have my own thesis to work on and the results aren't coming out the way I anticipated and I'm not sure why.
Needless to say I have a lot going on in my life. Surprisingly, I'm not feeling a lot of stress about it and I'm not feeling overwhelmed. My life is incredibly busy and I don't have a lot of time to myself to relax or blow off steam, but I'm okay. I've spent some time checking in with myself to make sure I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm okay while I'm really ticking away, counting down to explosion and I am truly okay. So I wanted to understand where this peace of mind comes from in all of this chaos.
Some of the things I do are doing little things each day to connect to Spirit and to remind myself of the beauty of life. That certainly helps. I have friends who understand that I don't have a lot of time to spend with them, but they appreciate the time I can give them and they do what they can to help lighten my load, even if it's to go get coffee for me while I work away. I spend time being grateful for their love and support every day. I remind myself that this particular chaos is temporary and I'm always in touch with the fact that I am doing work that I love, both as a social work intern and as a research assistant, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to help in ways that matter to me and to other people.
It's easy to be grateful for the good things, so when difficult issues come up I've found that I've learned to accept them instead of fight against them. When things with clients become emotional or challenging I accept it and understand that it's going to be difficult but that I'm going to get through it. When the issue with my son came up I reminded myself that it wasn't about me and I accepted his emotional outburst and sought to understand instead of react. That was profound for both of us. No matter whether it's good or bad, I accept the situation as it is. I don't push it away, wish it was different, whine, or deny it. I take a deep breath and I say to myself, "Okay, this is what we're dealing with now." and I move forward. If there's something about the situation that can be changed then I do what I need to change it. If the situation can't be changed then I remind myself that it's temporary and I create a plan to move through the challenge effectively and thoroughly and it has made all the difference.
I think that things become more difficult when we fight against them, so accepting the situation is a way to move through it more gracefully and easily, with less resistance. That doesn't mean accepting an untenable situation and staying in it, though. Through accepting a situation as it is, it becomes possible then to see more clearly and with greater understanding. Accepting that something is unacceptable or unlivable allows us to see the choices we have to deal with the situation and if we are mindful and deliberate we can take the steps we need to make things different or better.
Acceptance can be a bit complicated. It requires an absence of judgement of the situation as good or bad and an absence of judgment of the people involved as good or bad. For example, while I might not like something that is going on, that doesn't mean I have to judge it as good or bad; it can just be. I might feel uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions, but that's my reaction to the situation, not the situation itself. My emotional reaction to the situation isn't even me, it's my reaction which is separate from me. So the first step is to get to a place where the situation just is and all of the feelings just are and none if it has to be good or bad it just is. Deciding what to do is the next step in the process, but that will have to be for later.
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