It's been about a week and half since work started to go badly and I started to freak out. I've had my ups and downs, handled it better some days and really poorly on others but you know, there's really only so much energy a person can burn before it becomes old news and you just have to move on. I'm not a big fan of cliches but I have to say that life is too short and there are so many things worth being happy about and enjoying, too many to spend time and energy thinking only about the negative aspects of our lives. Everything is just a moment in time.
We get so caught up thinking that all the things we're experiencing are forever but they aren't, nothing is permanent. Given enough time everything will shift eventually whether the change comes from an outside force or from our own efforts rest assured things will change. The situation may not change, the people involved may not change but that's okay because, truly, the most significant change that can occur is the change that occurs from within.
We will never be able to control anything outside of us, believe me I've tried. Control of anything beyond ourselves is an illusion, it doesn't exist. When we can muster our resources to create true lasting change from within then we've really found something instrumental with which to work. It's not easy. I kept trying to get there and falling short of the mark, but there was a point where I really had to be okay with that too. As long as I am trying to get somewhere beneficial for me when I get there really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that we keep working on moving forward and not remaining stuck where we are.
Am I doing better with my job situation? You bet! Is it a permanent change? I hope so, I think so. All the things that were upsetting to me in the last week and a half have fallen away and I've come to a peaceful place with how things are. That doesn't mean I like the situation I'm in, I don't, however I can now maneuver through all the irritations without massive emotional upheavals that really aren't in my best interest and that's nice. Now I have more energy and attention for the things that are good and I'm lucky enough to have caught a few moments of grace along the way today. Those moments of grace can make all the difference. They don't last long, note the use of the word moments, but they are like sweet kisses from the Universe reminding us that all is well and that we are loved.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Gift of Being Human
I had a very interesting conversation with a friend recently. He is an interesting guy and we've had our ups and downs for various reasons but all in all I really like and respect him. He is the quintessential good Samaritan. Having come from a military background he thinks nothing of putting his own life in danger to help others and does so on a regular basis. This past weekend's good deed consisted of stopping a car jacking in progress, the weekend before was saving a man from choking to death at a community event. He does these things without thought to himself only knowing that someone needs help and he is there to provide it.
Today he is going to the dentist for a somewhat painful procedure. As expected he intends to take no time off from work to recover or to take any pain medication afterwards. As we were finishing our conversation I told him if he happened to find himself having a human moment and needing to stay home I would I would happily endorse and support such a decision as it is important for him to take care of himself. He looked at me with the saddest expression in his eyes and said to me, "I'm not human" and then he walked out the door. I wanted to cry.
I so understand that comment "I'm not human." I have tried to transcend humanity for most of my adult life, but we can't do it. The attempt to ignore our humanity comes out of deep pain and is ultimately a rejection of ourselves because for whatever reason we find ourselves unacceptable as we are. To compensate we strive for the unattainable, setting standards for ourselves that are beyond impossible to achieve and when we fail in the attempt we berate ourselves mercilessly picking up the tools of abuse that others have left behind and using them against ourselves.
Surrendering to my humanity has been an incredible struggle for me. Being human makes me vulnerable, sometimes it hurts. It seems safer to deny the humanity within me, shut down and move forward pretending I am invulnerable, but in doing so I would commit my life to endless suffering. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience enlightenment. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience love, not just giving it but receiving it. Only through my precious human body am I open to all of the incredible experiences and moments of grace that this incarnation has to offer and missing it all would be a sorrowful tragedy.
Watching my friend struggle with his own humanity is a lesson for me, reminding me to hold on tightly to that which makes me human. Vulnerability is a gift, openness is a gift as long as it is balanced and mindfully maintained. The quest for perfection is a fruitless quest, I'll never achieve it, but not only can I attain humanness I can learn and understand the gifts that are an inherent part of it. My dearest hope for my friend is that he can come to embrace his own humanity. My dearest hope for myself is that I can continue to embrace my own humanity, loving it and cherishing it as the precious gift that it is. As I was recently reminded pain is part of the human existence, there's no escaping it, but so is love, joy, Divine communion, growth and happiness. These are the gifts of humanity and they are so very precious.
Today he is going to the dentist for a somewhat painful procedure. As expected he intends to take no time off from work to recover or to take any pain medication afterwards. As we were finishing our conversation I told him if he happened to find himself having a human moment and needing to stay home I would I would happily endorse and support such a decision as it is important for him to take care of himself. He looked at me with the saddest expression in his eyes and said to me, "I'm not human" and then he walked out the door. I wanted to cry.
I so understand that comment "I'm not human." I have tried to transcend humanity for most of my adult life, but we can't do it. The attempt to ignore our humanity comes out of deep pain and is ultimately a rejection of ourselves because for whatever reason we find ourselves unacceptable as we are. To compensate we strive for the unattainable, setting standards for ourselves that are beyond impossible to achieve and when we fail in the attempt we berate ourselves mercilessly picking up the tools of abuse that others have left behind and using them against ourselves.
Surrendering to my humanity has been an incredible struggle for me. Being human makes me vulnerable, sometimes it hurts. It seems safer to deny the humanity within me, shut down and move forward pretending I am invulnerable, but in doing so I would commit my life to endless suffering. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience enlightenment. Only through my precious human body am I able to experience love, not just giving it but receiving it. Only through my precious human body am I open to all of the incredible experiences and moments of grace that this incarnation has to offer and missing it all would be a sorrowful tragedy.
Watching my friend struggle with his own humanity is a lesson for me, reminding me to hold on tightly to that which makes me human. Vulnerability is a gift, openness is a gift as long as it is balanced and mindfully maintained. The quest for perfection is a fruitless quest, I'll never achieve it, but not only can I attain humanness I can learn and understand the gifts that are an inherent part of it. My dearest hope for my friend is that he can come to embrace his own humanity. My dearest hope for myself is that I can continue to embrace my own humanity, loving it and cherishing it as the precious gift that it is. As I was recently reminded pain is part of the human existence, there's no escaping it, but so is love, joy, Divine communion, growth and happiness. These are the gifts of humanity and they are so very precious.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Importance of Accessing our Inner Stillness
Well, I got through my meeting job in tact for the moment and we sit at a cease fire. For the other people involved in the meeting it wasn't a good meeting. For me, it was a complete victory. Not because I got what I wanted out of the meeting, that didn't happen at all. It was a victory for me because through it all I remained calm. When it was necessary I spoke my truth but because I was centered, breathing mindfully and fully accepting of the situation I was able to do so in an extremely positive way. That doesn't mean they liked what I had to say or that I was saying it. They didn't like what I was saying and they made that very clear, but it didn't matter because there was nothing they could object to in the delivery.
For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself. As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt. As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.
So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages. Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source. They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.
I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming. If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads. The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.
So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared. I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game. Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work. They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. Do I allow myself to fail? Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail. Do I get up every morning ready to try again? You bet. It's really the only answer.
For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself. As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt. As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.
So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages. Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source. They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.
I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming. If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads. The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.
So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared. I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game. Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work. They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. Do I allow myself to fail? Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail. Do I get up every morning ready to try again? You bet. It's really the only answer.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who is in Control?
I've been having a lot of issues come up at work lately and I have to say, I haven't been handling them very well...at all. I've gotten angry, felt betrayed, wanted revenge and was basically having a fit over the whole issue. At the same time, I've also been working on some deep personal issues and in some ways my reaction to my work situation has been because I felt as though life should give me a little break while I got my personal baggage under control. But that's not how it works because ultimately these aren't separate issues, they are connected and I have to experience them at the same time in order for the lessons to really come into fruition in my own consciousness.
I finally figured out that it doesn't really matter what happens at work. Beyond the pragmatic details of needing a job in order to earn a living, the details of each day and each conflict do not matter. They are simply the backdrop that these lessons play out on and each issue, each conflict is simply another opportunity for me to get the lesson and apply it. That's all. I really hate the phrase it's all about me, but in this case in it is all about me. It is all about how I handle the situation, not what other people are doing. Am I going to address it in the best way possible by remaining calm and not reacting? Am I going to remember that I need to take a few deep, slow breaths before I respond so that I respond out of my highest awareness or am I going buy in to the details playing out in front of me and react to them? Who is in control? The choice is mine, I have the power decide and no one else.
I have been aware of this for a while now, but for some reason I wasn't yet able to apply it to my own situation. I could talk about it, explain it and cognitively understand it but I couldn't live it. Today I can live it and I think that is true only because I have been working very hard to connect to my core self and have only recently made a breakthrough. Without a connection to my core self I had no ground to stand on, no personal connection with which to root myself. I was without anchor and everything that happened around me would impact my decisions and reactions. Last night it all came together all at once and I got it, the veritable "Ah hah!" moment. It is all so simple.
So today I am going into a meeting which I don't anticipate will be set up by the people running it to be a good situation for me, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be set up to be a good situation for me, I can create a situation that is good for me. Understanding that the people running the meeting are operating a different level than I am means I can prepare to be at my absolute best for this meeting. I am going home for lunch to meditate before the meeting and I will be meditating in small increments of time throughout the day to maintain a higher state of consciousness. I will be breathing mindfully during each interaction with the people who are in conflict with me. I will remember that love is the most powerful force on the planet and I will work not only to surround myself with love but will also surround the people I will be meeting with in love because I understand their nature and I can have compassion and understanding about that.
I finally figured out that it doesn't really matter what happens at work. Beyond the pragmatic details of needing a job in order to earn a living, the details of each day and each conflict do not matter. They are simply the backdrop that these lessons play out on and each issue, each conflict is simply another opportunity for me to get the lesson and apply it. That's all. I really hate the phrase it's all about me, but in this case in it is all about me. It is all about how I handle the situation, not what other people are doing. Am I going to address it in the best way possible by remaining calm and not reacting? Am I going to remember that I need to take a few deep, slow breaths before I respond so that I respond out of my highest awareness or am I going buy in to the details playing out in front of me and react to them? Who is in control? The choice is mine, I have the power decide and no one else.
I have been aware of this for a while now, but for some reason I wasn't yet able to apply it to my own situation. I could talk about it, explain it and cognitively understand it but I couldn't live it. Today I can live it and I think that is true only because I have been working very hard to connect to my core self and have only recently made a breakthrough. Without a connection to my core self I had no ground to stand on, no personal connection with which to root myself. I was without anchor and everything that happened around me would impact my decisions and reactions. Last night it all came together all at once and I got it, the veritable "Ah hah!" moment. It is all so simple.
So today I am going into a meeting which I don't anticipate will be set up by the people running it to be a good situation for me, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be set up to be a good situation for me, I can create a situation that is good for me. Understanding that the people running the meeting are operating a different level than I am means I can prepare to be at my absolute best for this meeting. I am going home for lunch to meditate before the meeting and I will be meditating in small increments of time throughout the day to maintain a higher state of consciousness. I will be breathing mindfully during each interaction with the people who are in conflict with me. I will remember that love is the most powerful force on the planet and I will work not only to surround myself with love but will also surround the people I will be meeting with in love because I understand their nature and I can have compassion and understanding about that.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sweet Surrender
So often when struggling with an issue I have difficulty figuring out when it is beneficial to keep struggling and when I should just let it go. It's easy to get lost on the surface of the issue, focusing on the details of that particular struggle, wanting to control the perception that people will have of me in that situation, not wanting to give up short of a finish line that I'm just sure exists and above all wanting to do the right thing not just for myself but for everyone involved. It becomes difficult to see the situation clearly and to make the best possible choice if you just look at the surface of the situation.
It's crucial to go beyond the details and get to the heart of the matter itself; to really understand our own motivations and inner workings as they are operating in the situation itself. If we don't we'll never have a clear understanding of the situation and what we need to do to correct the problem in our own lives. This past week has been a journey for me and I've had to do a lot of soul searching in order to understand what I need to do to make the situation better.
It's a process. I had to identify that there was something wrong, a huge obstacle in the way of my happiness. Then I had to break open to all the feelings associated with the situation because until I did that I wasn't even in touch with the feelings I had around the situation. I had to let go of all the surface details because it doesn't really matter what happened or who did what to whom, what matters is the effect the situation is having on me, my son and my mental health. Only then could I surrender and stop fighting myself and the people around me. This isn't a fight I can win. This isn't a struggle I have to engage in anymore and the truth of matter is I was making myself more miserable than the other people involved because I wasn't willing to acknowledge it.
Surrendering isn't giving up. True surrender comes out of deep reflection and thought and acknowledges that the fight we are engaged in isn't in our best interest or the best interest of the people around us. It acknowledges that there are losses we aren't willing to accumulate and that the best way to resolve the issue is to walk away with grace and dignity before we are hurt anymore or before we hurt anyone else. When I could finally surrender it was the sweetest sensation. Much of the pain and aggravation went away and that which didn't will recede with time. The situation around me hasn't changed and it won't, that's why I have to surrender. When we're stuck between an immovable force and an impossible situation the only person that can move is us. So even though nothing has changed on the outside, everything is different on the inside. I am not the same person engaged in this struggle. Now, I am empowered to move myself out of it and on to something better for me. I have to do it carefully and thoughtfully but at least now I know I have to do it, and that is the sweetest sensation of all.
It's crucial to go beyond the details and get to the heart of the matter itself; to really understand our own motivations and inner workings as they are operating in the situation itself. If we don't we'll never have a clear understanding of the situation and what we need to do to correct the problem in our own lives. This past week has been a journey for me and I've had to do a lot of soul searching in order to understand what I need to do to make the situation better.
It's a process. I had to identify that there was something wrong, a huge obstacle in the way of my happiness. Then I had to break open to all the feelings associated with the situation because until I did that I wasn't even in touch with the feelings I had around the situation. I had to let go of all the surface details because it doesn't really matter what happened or who did what to whom, what matters is the effect the situation is having on me, my son and my mental health. Only then could I surrender and stop fighting myself and the people around me. This isn't a fight I can win. This isn't a struggle I have to engage in anymore and the truth of matter is I was making myself more miserable than the other people involved because I wasn't willing to acknowledge it.
Surrendering isn't giving up. True surrender comes out of deep reflection and thought and acknowledges that the fight we are engaged in isn't in our best interest or the best interest of the people around us. It acknowledges that there are losses we aren't willing to accumulate and that the best way to resolve the issue is to walk away with grace and dignity before we are hurt anymore or before we hurt anyone else. When I could finally surrender it was the sweetest sensation. Much of the pain and aggravation went away and that which didn't will recede with time. The situation around me hasn't changed and it won't, that's why I have to surrender. When we're stuck between an immovable force and an impossible situation the only person that can move is us. So even though nothing has changed on the outside, everything is different on the inside. I am not the same person engaged in this struggle. Now, I am empowered to move myself out of it and on to something better for me. I have to do it carefully and thoughtfully but at least now I know I have to do it, and that is the sweetest sensation of all.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Finding Peace
This morning during meditation the words to two of my favorite prayers rose into my awareness. The first one Dona Nobis Pacem, Grant us Peace, has become a mantra for me over the years whenever I feel like my world is chaotic and lacking peace. The second is a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi and says "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where the doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy. Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.; it is in dying that we are born into eternal life."
Later as I was preparing for my day I turned the words over and over in my head repeating them silently I realized how little of these things I have given myself lately. A prayer is not meant to be a request sent to out to the Universe to be fulfilled. A prayer is a way to go inside and seek these things for ourselves. No one can give me peace, I have to find it within myself. Nor can I give love, understanding, or compassion unless I first am able to give it to myself. These are the gifts we must give ourselves, not in a narcissistic it's all about me way, but in a deeply spiritual manner that is all about loving ourselves so that we give from a place of fullness and not from a place of need.
Life can be overwhelming sometimes for one reason or another. We all need to be able to find peace, tranquility, love and understanding...I know I do. But if I don't take the time to seek it first from myself I will never find it anywhere else. I am reminded of the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess, "And you who seek to know me know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; for if that which you seek you find not within yourself you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire."
Our wisest, most sacred selves exist within us all. When we can stop functioning on the surface and pay attention to that sacred self we are well on our way to becoming our highest and best selves which is all most people really want anyway. As I move through my own spiritual journey I keep trying to get to the center of myself to find the part of me that is wisest, most tranquil, most peaceful and all knowing. Some days I do better than others, yesterday was a complete disaster. But today is a new day with a new beginning and yesterday can't cloud today. Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow not a reality. So today I will seek peace, love and understanding from within and I will continue to seek it until it becomes my reality. After all, what better task could I possibly have?
Later as I was preparing for my day I turned the words over and over in my head repeating them silently I realized how little of these things I have given myself lately. A prayer is not meant to be a request sent to out to the Universe to be fulfilled. A prayer is a way to go inside and seek these things for ourselves. No one can give me peace, I have to find it within myself. Nor can I give love, understanding, or compassion unless I first am able to give it to myself. These are the gifts we must give ourselves, not in a narcissistic it's all about me way, but in a deeply spiritual manner that is all about loving ourselves so that we give from a place of fullness and not from a place of need.
Life can be overwhelming sometimes for one reason or another. We all need to be able to find peace, tranquility, love and understanding...I know I do. But if I don't take the time to seek it first from myself I will never find it anywhere else. I am reminded of the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess, "And you who seek to know me know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; for if that which you seek you find not within yourself you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire."
Our wisest, most sacred selves exist within us all. When we can stop functioning on the surface and pay attention to that sacred self we are well on our way to becoming our highest and best selves which is all most people really want anyway. As I move through my own spiritual journey I keep trying to get to the center of myself to find the part of me that is wisest, most tranquil, most peaceful and all knowing. Some days I do better than others, yesterday was a complete disaster. But today is a new day with a new beginning and yesterday can't cloud today. Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow not a reality. So today I will seek peace, love and understanding from within and I will continue to seek it until it becomes my reality. After all, what better task could I possibly have?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Vulnerability of Being Human
I woke up this morning in an incredibly bad mood, I was grumpy and agitated. Meditation was extremely difficult because my mind wouldn't settle and I was aggravated with myself, with sitting, with observing my breathing, I couldn't remember the mantra I wanted to incorporate into my meditation this morning. I stopped trying after five minutes because I was just getting angry with everything around me. I'm tired and hormonal and I'm sure that working as much as I have been working and not taking any real time for myself is beginning to take its toll.
I went to pick up my son and I was agitated and upset dealing with my brother and his family. I went to the store and the people's voices were like nails on chalkboards, I just wanted to go home. I cried all the way home from the store distressed at how I feel, distressed that I wasn't holding it together better in front of my son, distressed about the fact that he was calmly giving me very sound advice and feeling like I didn't deserve any of it. I feel like I should be committed just so no one else has to deal with me.
I came home only to start cleaning obsessively even though I am tired and I probably would do better to rest, but I can't rest because there is no peace inside my own spirit. The clutter around my apartment is driving me crazy and I suspect it's because my own life feels so out of order. I want to be anywhere but where I am right now and yet I can be no other place.
Everything just feels so wrong, my whole world has turned upsidedown. I'm sure that it has to do with the work I am doing, I'm sure it has to do with the guy who asked me out on a date yesterday, I'm sure it has to do with my hormonal state, lack of sleep, lack of rest. I'm frazzled and at my wits end. I want to go and walk along the beach but I can't because I need to be present for my son and he doesn't want to go to the beach. I want my life to stop so I can sit and figure all of this out. I need to understand why this guy asking me out has upset me so much. In part it's because I feel like such a wreck and can't he see that I'm a wreck and just want to be left alone? But of course he can't see that because I hardly let anyone see that...even myself.
I am the strong one, the reliable one, the one who is a source for others but asks nothing for myself. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to admit that I need support. I don't know how to say that I'm falling apart and I'm afraid if I don't catch the pieces I'll shatter. And I hate that I feel this way. I feel weak, silly and overly dramatic. My son keeps telling me that I try too hard to hold it all together, that no one can be happy every day and I should stop trying to create a perfect life for him, but doesn't he deserve a mother who can make it home from the grocery store without crying? I mean seriously.
On the one hand I want to be an island - hold solely unto myself, letting no one else in and yes, it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore but also because I don't feel as though I deserve the support. On the other hand my betraying heart is longing for me just to be touched and held, to not have to hold it all together, to have a safe place and a safe person to fall apart on...but I don't feel worthy to say it or even to ask for it. I don't want to be this vulnerabe, I don't want to be this human. Damn it I hate asking for help!
I am still stuck in that place where I feel as though I've earned where I am. My choices brought me here and the discomfort I feel is no one's responsibility but my own; it's why I don't ask for help...why I don't feel worthy of help. I don't expect sympathy or compassion because I never got it from anyone else...those are things I give, I don't get them back and apparently I have a hard time imagining how to accept them.
There is a wiser part of my brain that tells me this kind of thinking is going to get me nowhere. If I was listening to someone else talk like this I would want to reach out to them to try and help them. I would want them to know they could rely on me to be there for them so how can I deny myself the same thing? It's hypocritical and ultimately not healthy. We all need people to one degree or another. I understand that cognitively, it's letting people in that's hard. I have a difficult time believing that anyone could see me in this state and still have any respect for me or any ability to like me.
Life isn't going to stop and I'm not going to be able to turn into a ghost. All I can do is go on, keep working through this. Be open to the help that is offered even if I can't imagine what to do with it. I need to take some time to rest and relax, although I begin to wonder if I even remember what those words mean anymore. I didn't realize how much I have carried all these years alone; all the hurt, the abuse, the responsibility, the guilt and the shame. Now I don't know how to do anything other than be alone because the truth is that all these years I have been virtually alone, I didn't have any kind of love or support to draw from...I just had me. Well even me needs others, much to my dismay, and the battle to feel worthy support rages on inside of me. Perhaps if I sit with it enough I will surrender and the battle will be over...until next time.
I went to pick up my son and I was agitated and upset dealing with my brother and his family. I went to the store and the people's voices were like nails on chalkboards, I just wanted to go home. I cried all the way home from the store distressed at how I feel, distressed that I wasn't holding it together better in front of my son, distressed about the fact that he was calmly giving me very sound advice and feeling like I didn't deserve any of it. I feel like I should be committed just so no one else has to deal with me.
I came home only to start cleaning obsessively even though I am tired and I probably would do better to rest, but I can't rest because there is no peace inside my own spirit. The clutter around my apartment is driving me crazy and I suspect it's because my own life feels so out of order. I want to be anywhere but where I am right now and yet I can be no other place.
Everything just feels so wrong, my whole world has turned upsidedown. I'm sure that it has to do with the work I am doing, I'm sure it has to do with the guy who asked me out on a date yesterday, I'm sure it has to do with my hormonal state, lack of sleep, lack of rest. I'm frazzled and at my wits end. I want to go and walk along the beach but I can't because I need to be present for my son and he doesn't want to go to the beach. I want my life to stop so I can sit and figure all of this out. I need to understand why this guy asking me out has upset me so much. In part it's because I feel like such a wreck and can't he see that I'm a wreck and just want to be left alone? But of course he can't see that because I hardly let anyone see that...even myself.
I am the strong one, the reliable one, the one who is a source for others but asks nothing for myself. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to admit that I need support. I don't know how to say that I'm falling apart and I'm afraid if I don't catch the pieces I'll shatter. And I hate that I feel this way. I feel weak, silly and overly dramatic. My son keeps telling me that I try too hard to hold it all together, that no one can be happy every day and I should stop trying to create a perfect life for him, but doesn't he deserve a mother who can make it home from the grocery store without crying? I mean seriously.
On the one hand I want to be an island - hold solely unto myself, letting no one else in and yes, it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore but also because I don't feel as though I deserve the support. On the other hand my betraying heart is longing for me just to be touched and held, to not have to hold it all together, to have a safe place and a safe person to fall apart on...but I don't feel worthy to say it or even to ask for it. I don't want to be this vulnerabe, I don't want to be this human. Damn it I hate asking for help!
I am still stuck in that place where I feel as though I've earned where I am. My choices brought me here and the discomfort I feel is no one's responsibility but my own; it's why I don't ask for help...why I don't feel worthy of help. I don't expect sympathy or compassion because I never got it from anyone else...those are things I give, I don't get them back and apparently I have a hard time imagining how to accept them.
There is a wiser part of my brain that tells me this kind of thinking is going to get me nowhere. If I was listening to someone else talk like this I would want to reach out to them to try and help them. I would want them to know they could rely on me to be there for them so how can I deny myself the same thing? It's hypocritical and ultimately not healthy. We all need people to one degree or another. I understand that cognitively, it's letting people in that's hard. I have a difficult time believing that anyone could see me in this state and still have any respect for me or any ability to like me.
Life isn't going to stop and I'm not going to be able to turn into a ghost. All I can do is go on, keep working through this. Be open to the help that is offered even if I can't imagine what to do with it. I need to take some time to rest and relax, although I begin to wonder if I even remember what those words mean anymore. I didn't realize how much I have carried all these years alone; all the hurt, the abuse, the responsibility, the guilt and the shame. Now I don't know how to do anything other than be alone because the truth is that all these years I have been virtually alone, I didn't have any kind of love or support to draw from...I just had me. Well even me needs others, much to my dismay, and the battle to feel worthy support rages on inside of me. Perhaps if I sit with it enough I will surrender and the battle will be over...until next time.
All You Need is Love
If there's one thing I hate to be, it's typical. That's probably because I don't have a lot of practice at it so it doesn't feel very comfortable for me. In a conversation the other evening it became clear that so many of the decisions I have made were made out of a desire for love and I was told it was common to want to be loved. I didn't really like that response in part because it meant I was typical. But the other reason I didn't like that response was because I don't want to desire love in my life. I can't deny that I do desire it, but I wish I could make that desire go away.
My friend told me I wouldn't be human if I didn't desire to be loved...well, alien would be an acceptable option for me then although not very viable I suppose. Why don't I want to desire love? Because I feel it's been my desire for love that has led me astray every time.and I don't want to be in that position again. But more than that it's because being loved and accepting that love makes me vulnerable and I REALLY don't want to be vulnerable like that again. You have to open your heart to being loved in order for love to truly be returned and to do that you have to become vulnerable to being hurt.
I'm tired of hurting. I hurt for so long and was locked up so tight in order to survive that the idea of opening up that space again seems incredibly painful. As though the love will set fire to my entire being and I'll vaporize. I'm afraid I'll betray myself all over again and in the end be an empty husk that walks, talks and smiles but feels brittle and broken as though a strong wind could blow me into a thousand pieces.
And yet after coming home from a horrible evening all I found myself wishing for was a pair of arms to walk into and and a shoulder on which to lay my head and that felt like betrayal too. I never thought this would be an issue for me I was always such a fan of love. But two bad relationships and two bad breakups later I'm tired and hurt. My heart aches for so many different reasons I wish I could remove it and lock it in a box.
My friend told me I deserve a happier life...do I? Does that life include love? My head tells me it probably does include love. But that's not something I can even imagine. I wonder how anyone can love this broken person I've become. I wonder if I can ever open my heart and trust someone enough to love me. Wanting to be loved was the center of my existence for a very long time. But for now, I want to pretend that I don't need love and that the desire to be held, to be kissed, to be cared for and comforted will go away with time. If I just give it enough time I won't want those things any more...right?
My friend told me I wouldn't be human if I didn't desire to be loved...well, alien would be an acceptable option for me then although not very viable I suppose. Why don't I want to desire love? Because I feel it's been my desire for love that has led me astray every time.and I don't want to be in that position again. But more than that it's because being loved and accepting that love makes me vulnerable and I REALLY don't want to be vulnerable like that again. You have to open your heart to being loved in order for love to truly be returned and to do that you have to become vulnerable to being hurt.
I'm tired of hurting. I hurt for so long and was locked up so tight in order to survive that the idea of opening up that space again seems incredibly painful. As though the love will set fire to my entire being and I'll vaporize. I'm afraid I'll betray myself all over again and in the end be an empty husk that walks, talks and smiles but feels brittle and broken as though a strong wind could blow me into a thousand pieces.
And yet after coming home from a horrible evening all I found myself wishing for was a pair of arms to walk into and and a shoulder on which to lay my head and that felt like betrayal too. I never thought this would be an issue for me I was always such a fan of love. But two bad relationships and two bad breakups later I'm tired and hurt. My heart aches for so many different reasons I wish I could remove it and lock it in a box.
My friend told me I deserve a happier life...do I? Does that life include love? My head tells me it probably does include love. But that's not something I can even imagine. I wonder how anyone can love this broken person I've become. I wonder if I can ever open my heart and trust someone enough to love me. Wanting to be loved was the center of my existence for a very long time. But for now, I want to pretend that I don't need love and that the desire to be held, to be kissed, to be cared for and comforted will go away with time. If I just give it enough time I won't want those things any more...right?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Broken Open
I have a very dear friend who is a Unitarian Minister and with whom I have recently reconnected. Over the past few months I have heard her talk about being broken open and I really thought I understood what she was talking about - having a moment of spiritual awakening which opens up something that has previously been closed. In my mind's eye I would see a rock split in two with a little flower growing out of the middle of the split and I really thought I got it. Breaking open allows for new growth, new opportunities for insight and healing. It all sounded so nice like you could be emotionally shut down and be broken open by a beautiful sunset or a particularly sweet birdsong. I would sigh and think about the beauty of the Universe and our capacity to connect with that lovingkindess through the process of breaking open.
In this concept of breaking open the process might cause you to shed a few tears, hold a moment of regret or sadness to be quickly followed by a moment of grace, healing that bit of pain and allowing you to move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and well being. Then I had a conversation last night with another dear friend and I got a whole different experience of breaking open. There was no glorious sunset, there was no gentle sense of love or purpose, oh no. In this process breaking open meant being shaken to my very center by the cognitive dissonance I have been holding for so many years. It meant sitting in extremely uncomfortable emotional pain hoping he would say something that would take all the pain away. He didn't take it away, he did something much more powerful than that he made me sit with it and he said nothing.
Until that moment I didn't realize how much we rescue each other from our pain. When we find someone we can really sit and talk with on a deep emotional level they listen to our pain and then they help us rationalize it. They explain why we shouldn't feel bad, why what we did makes perfect sense and that we can't beat ourselves up for it, life's too short. Well let me turn that idea around. When we have done something that we know is wrong, that is out of alignment with our true nature life is too short to not acknowledge it and do something about it. But instead we ignore it, we defend it and we find people to help defend it for us. We think of all the reasons that we did what we did and we allow that to exonerate us for the wrongdoing, we don't understand it we just make ourselves feel better with it. We move on with our lives feeling free from the static that acknowledging the wrongdoing brings. But it doesn't go away. It's not like we've discharged the action and everything is alright now. We can't go back in time and make it okay, we can't. Our actions stay with us.
The last of Buddha's Five Remembrances states My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. You know what that means? When we realize that our actions have caused pain to others, that our actions were wrong and are contrary to who we really are or who we want to be then we have to sit in that pain because our actions are all we've got. It doesn't feel good either, it hurts. It hurt so much that all I wanted to do was escape the pain, I wanted it gone. But there was nowhere for that pain to go until I could sit long enough to stop resisting the pain and embrace it and that my friends is breaking open...that is embracing the shadow.
So I sat with it, and sat with it and I felt that dissonance and God I didn't want to let it go because in finally being able to acknowledge it I felt I had earned that pain. I had earned that cognitive dissonance and I wasn't about to let go of it. My friend the UU minister once said that anything she had ever let go of had nail gouges all the way down it because she fought so hard to hold on to it. I was fighting last night...I wasn't going to let it go. But in sitting silently last night my friend didn't take it away or try to make it better, he was a witness to the pain and the struggle and finally, somehow, eventually a little crack in my psyche appeared and I was broken open.
It was almost a relief...almost. The pain didn't go away. The sense of wrongdoing didn't disappear. I didn't suddenly feel a flood of loving energy that wiped away that discomfort. All that happened is that it eased a bit. It wasn't as sharp. It didn't cut as deep. The sense of the wrongdoing was still there and it still hurt...but in breaking open I created the space to begin the healing process. All I did last night was create the space. I don't even think I planted the seed...I just created the space. The actual healing will take longer. But now instead of being closed up tight against the pain and the dissonance there is a place that when the seed is planted the light will be able to touch it. And out of all this pain I think, one day, a flower will grow.
In this concept of breaking open the process might cause you to shed a few tears, hold a moment of regret or sadness to be quickly followed by a moment of grace, healing that bit of pain and allowing you to move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and well being. Then I had a conversation last night with another dear friend and I got a whole different experience of breaking open. There was no glorious sunset, there was no gentle sense of love or purpose, oh no. In this process breaking open meant being shaken to my very center by the cognitive dissonance I have been holding for so many years. It meant sitting in extremely uncomfortable emotional pain hoping he would say something that would take all the pain away. He didn't take it away, he did something much more powerful than that he made me sit with it and he said nothing.
Until that moment I didn't realize how much we rescue each other from our pain. When we find someone we can really sit and talk with on a deep emotional level they listen to our pain and then they help us rationalize it. They explain why we shouldn't feel bad, why what we did makes perfect sense and that we can't beat ourselves up for it, life's too short. Well let me turn that idea around. When we have done something that we know is wrong, that is out of alignment with our true nature life is too short to not acknowledge it and do something about it. But instead we ignore it, we defend it and we find people to help defend it for us. We think of all the reasons that we did what we did and we allow that to exonerate us for the wrongdoing, we don't understand it we just make ourselves feel better with it. We move on with our lives feeling free from the static that acknowledging the wrongdoing brings. But it doesn't go away. It's not like we've discharged the action and everything is alright now. We can't go back in time and make it okay, we can't. Our actions stay with us.
The last of Buddha's Five Remembrances states My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. You know what that means? When we realize that our actions have caused pain to others, that our actions were wrong and are contrary to who we really are or who we want to be then we have to sit in that pain because our actions are all we've got. It doesn't feel good either, it hurts. It hurt so much that all I wanted to do was escape the pain, I wanted it gone. But there was nowhere for that pain to go until I could sit long enough to stop resisting the pain and embrace it and that my friends is breaking open...that is embracing the shadow.
So I sat with it, and sat with it and I felt that dissonance and God I didn't want to let it go because in finally being able to acknowledge it I felt I had earned that pain. I had earned that cognitive dissonance and I wasn't about to let go of it. My friend the UU minister once said that anything she had ever let go of had nail gouges all the way down it because she fought so hard to hold on to it. I was fighting last night...I wasn't going to let it go. But in sitting silently last night my friend didn't take it away or try to make it better, he was a witness to the pain and the struggle and finally, somehow, eventually a little crack in my psyche appeared and I was broken open.
It was almost a relief...almost. The pain didn't go away. The sense of wrongdoing didn't disappear. I didn't suddenly feel a flood of loving energy that wiped away that discomfort. All that happened is that it eased a bit. It wasn't as sharp. It didn't cut as deep. The sense of the wrongdoing was still there and it still hurt...but in breaking open I created the space to begin the healing process. All I did last night was create the space. I don't even think I planted the seed...I just created the space. The actual healing will take longer. But now instead of being closed up tight against the pain and the dissonance there is a place that when the seed is planted the light will be able to touch it. And out of all this pain I think, one day, a flower will grow.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Embracing the Shadow
One of my favorite aspects of driving my son to school in the morning is the great conversations we have; they are entertaining and often enlightening. This morning my son completely shocked me because the words he said echoed so perfectly thoughts I had shared with a friend just hours before. He said, "You know Mom a lot of times I'm afraid that Grumpy will come back. I'm afraid that he will convince the apartment people to give him a key and that we will come home and find him waiting for us. I dreamed last night that he came back and I kept throwing my throwing knives at him but he just stood there with the knives sticking out of him asking me what was wrong." I too am afraid that man will show up again one day and haunt our doorstep and all I can say about that is that's trauma.
Even though I could look at the relationship and see that it had abusive aspects to it, I couldn't own that I had been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for 8 years. I didn't want to say the words that I had lived with domestic violence. When anyone would mention anything that came close to identifying abuse in our relationship my face would turn white and my stomach would drop to the floor. I would be filled with shame because I knew that they knew my awful secret. The surprising thing is that the secret I carried wasn't that our relationship was abusive. The secret I carried was that I was in an abusive relationship because I had abandoned myself. I sacrificed my happiness and well-being on the altar of our relationship in hopes that the sacrifice would bring about the healing I so desperately desired.
The fields of sexual assault and domestic violence are closely intertwined. I know all the danger signs. I knew what I needed to do. But for reasons I still don't fully understand I ignored them. I am only beginning to explore what it is that led to that self-betrayal. The lesson I need to learn is not why there was emotional abuse...the why of the abuse is secondary. The lesson I need to learn is why I stayed even when I knew that my son and I were both being hurt on a daily basis by this very sick man.
That is the shadow. The entire time I stayed in that relationship and until very recently I was running from that shadow. Now as I begin to work on deepening my spirituality I understand that I have to stop running but I don't need to confront the shadow, what I need to do is turn and embrace the shadow. I have to open myself up to the part of myself that couldn't leave and I have to accept that dark, hidden part of me. I have to embrace it with all my might so I can learn to love and understand the shadow within me, because only then can I begin to let it all go...the fear, the shame, the guilt and the sadness. Until I do that he will have his hook in me and I will have the fear that makes me jump every time my hot water heater makes a noise. I don't want to live in the shadow of fear, I want to live in the luminous light of joy and peace.
No one wants to embrace their shadow but it is the most important work a person can do. The scariest things in the world are not outside of ourselves, but lie within us. And until we can accept that reality, we aren't going to deepen at all.
Even though I could look at the relationship and see that it had abusive aspects to it, I couldn't own that I had been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for 8 years. I didn't want to say the words that I had lived with domestic violence. When anyone would mention anything that came close to identifying abuse in our relationship my face would turn white and my stomach would drop to the floor. I would be filled with shame because I knew that they knew my awful secret. The surprising thing is that the secret I carried wasn't that our relationship was abusive. The secret I carried was that I was in an abusive relationship because I had abandoned myself. I sacrificed my happiness and well-being on the altar of our relationship in hopes that the sacrifice would bring about the healing I so desperately desired.
The fields of sexual assault and domestic violence are closely intertwined. I know all the danger signs. I knew what I needed to do. But for reasons I still don't fully understand I ignored them. I am only beginning to explore what it is that led to that self-betrayal. The lesson I need to learn is not why there was emotional abuse...the why of the abuse is secondary. The lesson I need to learn is why I stayed even when I knew that my son and I were both being hurt on a daily basis by this very sick man.
That is the shadow. The entire time I stayed in that relationship and until very recently I was running from that shadow. Now as I begin to work on deepening my spirituality I understand that I have to stop running but I don't need to confront the shadow, what I need to do is turn and embrace the shadow. I have to open myself up to the part of myself that couldn't leave and I have to accept that dark, hidden part of me. I have to embrace it with all my might so I can learn to love and understand the shadow within me, because only then can I begin to let it all go...the fear, the shame, the guilt and the sadness. Until I do that he will have his hook in me and I will have the fear that makes me jump every time my hot water heater makes a noise. I don't want to live in the shadow of fear, I want to live in the luminous light of joy and peace.
No one wants to embrace their shadow but it is the most important work a person can do. The scariest things in the world are not outside of ourselves, but lie within us. And until we can accept that reality, we aren't going to deepen at all.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Trying to Find Balance
March 20th will be 6 months since my ex left. I don't think the time is significant per se but I can't help stopping to reflect when I realize how much time has passed. When he was in my life there was room for nothing more - only he mattered. All of my attention had to be focused on him. The time I spent with my son was grudgingly given and that is only because a thread of guilt would worm its way into his awareness and he would back off so I could have that time. Notice he didn't participate...he just isolated himself from us. My life was so small, so confined. I had friends but I never saw them and didn't speak with them; there was no time. He had to be my entire world.
Now, as I begin to see my life open up in many wonderful and unexpected ways I can't help but be aware that another entity has entered my life and is demanding that same focus of attention. It's not any healthier and is just as limiting. It's my job...my job! When my friend likened my worklife to third world country workers who work 18 hours a day and sleep in the factory at which they work it was not a good thing! I need to take notice of that. And although I am laughing as I write this, there is a thread of seriousness here that cannot be ignored.
I have struggled most of my life to find work that is meaningful to me. Going in and working a job where the end result is that a few profit enormously and the rest of the people who do the actual hard work are barely surviving financially has never been acceptable to me. I went to college to escape that scene. Now in some ways I am lucky, I have a job working at a rape crisis center and I find the work personally fulfilling. However...when you work 12 hours a day 10+ days in a row without overtime it can be rather draining.
How do you balance your life when you have to work and the work you do throws everything out of balance? Every day I take time to sit and meditate 30 minutes a day morning and evening but lately I've been so tired I've been falling asleep during both meditation times. I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home in the evening and crawl into bed. The only thing in between is work. I have no time to exercise, no time to cook, limited time with my son and I steal time away from sleep in order to connect with important people in my life...and the list of those people seems to grow daily, something I am incredibly happy about.
Now the voice of practicality is calmly telling me that I knew this job would demand sacrifice and I should stop my whining and get back to work if that's really all I have time to do during my day. It says that working in a non-profit crisis center means working long hours without the benefit of overtime or comp time and I knew that too. But I'm just not buying that it has to be that way - I don't believe that I have to sacrifice everything in order to do work that is meaningful to me.
As usual I don't know the answer. I'll have to find it as I make my way along this journey. Many people have told me that I need to find a new job and I'm certainly open to that possibility. In the meantime the closest I come to balance these days carrying an armload of items as I carefully make my way down my apartment stairs in heels trying not to fall.
Now, as I begin to see my life open up in many wonderful and unexpected ways I can't help but be aware that another entity has entered my life and is demanding that same focus of attention. It's not any healthier and is just as limiting. It's my job...my job! When my friend likened my worklife to third world country workers who work 18 hours a day and sleep in the factory at which they work it was not a good thing! I need to take notice of that. And although I am laughing as I write this, there is a thread of seriousness here that cannot be ignored.
I have struggled most of my life to find work that is meaningful to me. Going in and working a job where the end result is that a few profit enormously and the rest of the people who do the actual hard work are barely surviving financially has never been acceptable to me. I went to college to escape that scene. Now in some ways I am lucky, I have a job working at a rape crisis center and I find the work personally fulfilling. However...when you work 12 hours a day 10+ days in a row without overtime it can be rather draining.
How do you balance your life when you have to work and the work you do throws everything out of balance? Every day I take time to sit and meditate 30 minutes a day morning and evening but lately I've been so tired I've been falling asleep during both meditation times. I wake up in the morning and go to work. I come home in the evening and crawl into bed. The only thing in between is work. I have no time to exercise, no time to cook, limited time with my son and I steal time away from sleep in order to connect with important people in my life...and the list of those people seems to grow daily, something I am incredibly happy about.
Now the voice of practicality is calmly telling me that I knew this job would demand sacrifice and I should stop my whining and get back to work if that's really all I have time to do during my day. It says that working in a non-profit crisis center means working long hours without the benefit of overtime or comp time and I knew that too. But I'm just not buying that it has to be that way - I don't believe that I have to sacrifice everything in order to do work that is meaningful to me.
As usual I don't know the answer. I'll have to find it as I make my way along this journey. Many people have told me that I need to find a new job and I'm certainly open to that possibility. In the meantime the closest I come to balance these days carrying an armload of items as I carefully make my way down my apartment stairs in heels trying not to fall.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Removing Obstacles
It's amazing to me how drastically life changes once you remove obstacles. We often don't realize the extent to which these obstacles get in the way of good things coming to fruition. I had a very negative person in my life for 9 years and I spent most of the years completely absorbed in his negativity. It isolated me from friends and my family (although how positive an experience my family is changes from day to day) and kept me from doing all the things I love to do because I had to be absorbed in him.
Last night driving home my son looked at me and said, "Wow Mom, now that Grumpy (we call him Grumpy) is gone your life is blooming!" And that's how I feel as though I am in bloom. Wonderful people are coming into my life, old friends are back in my life and words fail to describe the gift their presence is for me. Fear keeps us from removing those obstacles; fear of the change that will take place once that obstacle is removed, fear for my safety and fear of change kept me from leaving although I couldn't admit it at the time.
But here's the thing, the one certainty in life is change. Even though we fear change we are going to experience it...we can't stop it. So my hope for all is that if there is something negative in your life do what you can to let go of it. You'll be okay. We can all survive change. Actually we can survive anything because our spirit is immortal. You never know what will open up in your life and what will take bloom once you get rid of the negativity. You may get the greatest blessing of your life!
Last night driving home my son looked at me and said, "Wow Mom, now that Grumpy (we call him Grumpy) is gone your life is blooming!" And that's how I feel as though I am in bloom. Wonderful people are coming into my life, old friends are back in my life and words fail to describe the gift their presence is for me. Fear keeps us from removing those obstacles; fear of the change that will take place once that obstacle is removed, fear for my safety and fear of change kept me from leaving although I couldn't admit it at the time.
But here's the thing, the one certainty in life is change. Even though we fear change we are going to experience it...we can't stop it. So my hope for all is that if there is something negative in your life do what you can to let go of it. You'll be okay. We can all survive change. Actually we can survive anything because our spirit is immortal. You never know what will open up in your life and what will take bloom once you get rid of the negativity. You may get the greatest blessing of your life!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Atonement
I had a couple of conversations with friends last night, one in person one over the phone, about how to resolve the inner conflict I have brought about by this realization around the betrayal of my friend. Both suggested the value of apologizing and I am working on that process now. But one of my friends mentioned that atonement can come in many forms and that word stuck with me as I was driving home. I kept hearing it in my mind, "Atonement, atonement, atonment..." and then it went to that more spiritual yet kitchy pronunciation, "At-one-ment, at-one-ment, at-one-ment". The first definition meaning satisfaction or reparation for wrongs or injury; amends. The other meaning unity with the Divine. Both are important here.
I believe it is only out of our divine nature that we can only truly atone for the wrongs we have done. Otherwise we apologize without true consciousness or meaning...just to alleviate our guilt and banish our past sins. My friend who is a wonderful Unitarian Universalist minister asked me if the reason I couldn't forgive myself was because I felt as though doing so would in some way exonerate me from the wrong I have done and the answer is yes. In no way do I feel as though I should be pardoned or forgiven...as though I should walk around with a scarlet B for betrayor for the rest of my days so all can see it and show me the appropriate amount of contempt. But she also said to me that no one wants to be judged by the worst thing they've ever done and that I am always quick to forgive others and give understanding when they share a wrong they have done with me. She's right, I don't want to be known by the worst thing I have ever done and yet it will color my self-concept forever.
On the less enlightened side I shared some of this with my brother last night and his response was shocking and upsetting to me. He didn't feel I owed her an apology because in his mind she had never been a good friend to me, was an unhappy person and didn't deserve my regret. I have no words to describe this response except to say that in no way do I agree with it and it seems and incredibly ignorant perspective to take. Very few people ever understood our friendship, we were very different people with extremely different belief systems and backgrounds but that didn't matter. From the moment we met in fourth grade she was my best friend until the day I killed that friendship. I never tried to understand it or define it...I just accepted the gift and enjoyed it. It doesn't matter if she was the perfect friend or not she didn't deserve the pain I caused.
So I am seeking atonement in the best way I know how, without looking to ease my conscious or validate my ego. With full awareness and consciousness of the wrong I have done and wanting only to hold that in my awareness. I seek nothing from her and only hope that she has happiness in her life. She was my dearest friend and I love her. She deserves happiness.
I believe it is only out of our divine nature that we can only truly atone for the wrongs we have done. Otherwise we apologize without true consciousness or meaning...just to alleviate our guilt and banish our past sins. My friend who is a wonderful Unitarian Universalist minister asked me if the reason I couldn't forgive myself was because I felt as though doing so would in some way exonerate me from the wrong I have done and the answer is yes. In no way do I feel as though I should be pardoned or forgiven...as though I should walk around with a scarlet B for betrayor for the rest of my days so all can see it and show me the appropriate amount of contempt. But she also said to me that no one wants to be judged by the worst thing they've ever done and that I am always quick to forgive others and give understanding when they share a wrong they have done with me. She's right, I don't want to be known by the worst thing I have ever done and yet it will color my self-concept forever.
On the less enlightened side I shared some of this with my brother last night and his response was shocking and upsetting to me. He didn't feel I owed her an apology because in his mind she had never been a good friend to me, was an unhappy person and didn't deserve my regret. I have no words to describe this response except to say that in no way do I agree with it and it seems and incredibly ignorant perspective to take. Very few people ever understood our friendship, we were very different people with extremely different belief systems and backgrounds but that didn't matter. From the moment we met in fourth grade she was my best friend until the day I killed that friendship. I never tried to understand it or define it...I just accepted the gift and enjoyed it. It doesn't matter if she was the perfect friend or not she didn't deserve the pain I caused.
So I am seeking atonement in the best way I know how, without looking to ease my conscious or validate my ego. With full awareness and consciousness of the wrong I have done and wanting only to hold that in my awareness. I seek nothing from her and only hope that she has happiness in her life. She was my dearest friend and I love her. She deserves happiness.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Forgiveness
Each year at Winter Solstice I draw an Angel Card with a word on it. This past Solstice the word I drew was forgiveness. My reaction was mixed at seeing this word - 1 part relief that it wasn't the word Love which I had drawn for the last 3 years, 1 part dread at the process I was going to undergo to truly understand this word and its significance in my life. Of course I went for the obvious lesson...forgiveness for the hurt I had experienced through the recent breakup of my relationship. But Spirit is sneakier than that...it's never the obvious lesson.
Last night as I was meditating a thought arose for me. I was prepared to observe the thought and continue to focus on my breathing but this one actually stopped my breath and it became clear that I needed to address this issue as quickly as possible. This one has been a long time coming.
Nine years ago I hurt and betrayed the best friend I have ever had. To say that I didn't intend to hurt her really has no bearing although it is true; I knew my actions would cause her pain and I took them anyway. I did it for love, or what I thought was love, but true love is never gained through selfishness. I didn't realize I was being selfish at the time. I was already in a bad marriage and things were degrading rapidly. I was unhappy and empty inside. My friend's husband expressed desire and admiration for me and I was so empty inside it was like an oasis in the desert.
I rationalized my behavior in every way I could; their marriage was already coming an end, my marriage was already coming to an end, we were soulmates it was meant to be...but the truth is I knew it was wrong and I just wanted something for myself. I wanted to be loved as he claimed to love me and I was sure this was my only chance to obtain that love. My desire to be loved overwhelmed everything and I ended my marriage and theirs in one feel swoop.
Needless to say things didn't work out the way I hoped that they would. Our relationship was rocky and beset by stress and obstacles. Eventually it became abusive and I believe that it was my guilt over hurting my friend that kept me in that relationship for so long, unwilling to leave even when I knew I should. After all, so many people had been hurt over this decision I couldn't back out now...it would make all the pain I caused pointless. But it was pointless because the relationship I had never should have been and the truth is I regretted the pain I caused her every day even though I couldn't admit it to myself.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done. I don't really feel that I deserve forgiveness. I have been holding this shame since the day everything happened, but I couldn't admit it to myself until last night in the deep silence of the Infinite. Losing her friendship was the greatest sacrifice I ever made and at this point I can say it wasn't worth it. I would rather have maintained her friendship and missed out on that misbegotten opportunity for love that ultimately left me and my son wounded inside because she was a true friend and deserved my loyalty.
Because of this I don't trust my judgment in love. I look at a life alone as the least of the punishments I can endure. But there is a part of me that knows I must move on and learn to forgive myself. What have I learned from this? That true love has no part in selfishness, sometimes there are actions we take that can never be undone...that can never be healed. Time does not heal all things and that true friendship is a gift not to be thrown away lightly. I'm sure there are more lessons to be had and I patiently will wait for them to unfold.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Even getting to the point where I can truly talk about this has been a long journey, but the journey is just beginning
Last night as I was meditating a thought arose for me. I was prepared to observe the thought and continue to focus on my breathing but this one actually stopped my breath and it became clear that I needed to address this issue as quickly as possible. This one has been a long time coming.
Nine years ago I hurt and betrayed the best friend I have ever had. To say that I didn't intend to hurt her really has no bearing although it is true; I knew my actions would cause her pain and I took them anyway. I did it for love, or what I thought was love, but true love is never gained through selfishness. I didn't realize I was being selfish at the time. I was already in a bad marriage and things were degrading rapidly. I was unhappy and empty inside. My friend's husband expressed desire and admiration for me and I was so empty inside it was like an oasis in the desert.
I rationalized my behavior in every way I could; their marriage was already coming an end, my marriage was already coming to an end, we were soulmates it was meant to be...but the truth is I knew it was wrong and I just wanted something for myself. I wanted to be loved as he claimed to love me and I was sure this was my only chance to obtain that love. My desire to be loved overwhelmed everything and I ended my marriage and theirs in one feel swoop.
Needless to say things didn't work out the way I hoped that they would. Our relationship was rocky and beset by stress and obstacles. Eventually it became abusive and I believe that it was my guilt over hurting my friend that kept me in that relationship for so long, unwilling to leave even when I knew I should. After all, so many people had been hurt over this decision I couldn't back out now...it would make all the pain I caused pointless. But it was pointless because the relationship I had never should have been and the truth is I regretted the pain I caused her every day even though I couldn't admit it to myself.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done. I don't really feel that I deserve forgiveness. I have been holding this shame since the day everything happened, but I couldn't admit it to myself until last night in the deep silence of the Infinite. Losing her friendship was the greatest sacrifice I ever made and at this point I can say it wasn't worth it. I would rather have maintained her friendship and missed out on that misbegotten opportunity for love that ultimately left me and my son wounded inside because she was a true friend and deserved my loyalty.
Because of this I don't trust my judgment in love. I look at a life alone as the least of the punishments I can endure. But there is a part of me that knows I must move on and learn to forgive myself. What have I learned from this? That true love has no part in selfishness, sometimes there are actions we take that can never be undone...that can never be healed. Time does not heal all things and that true friendship is a gift not to be thrown away lightly. I'm sure there are more lessons to be had and I patiently will wait for them to unfold.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Even getting to the point where I can truly talk about this has been a long journey, but the journey is just beginning
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