It's finally cool outside with the onset of fall. Of course, the weather could turn in a nanosecond and be up over 100 again so I'm not getting too attached to the change in weather. I went outside on my balcony tonight to enjoy the cool air and the quiet. Unfortunately, my neighbor downstairs is having a difficult time with one of her children and all I hear in the night is them yelling at one another until the mother, finally reaching her limit, spanks him and he's crying and snarling at her.
It would be so easy for me to get angry at this woman for how she treats her children, but I understand these are the sounds of a tired, overwhelmed mother who doesn't know what else to do except yell at her children and, of course, her children don't know what to do except yell back. The failure is not in the mother, but in a society, culture, town, etc that offers little to no education that would teach parents more effective means to deal with their children.
I often get frustrated with the city I live in. There are days when my interactions are with really nice, good-hearted people, and there are days when it seems this town is filled with narrow-minded, ignorant, people and I get tired of the limited mindset. I tell myself it would be so easy to give in to anger and hate, but if I do that is all I will see in the world, anger and hate...and I'm right.
That's not how I see the world, as one filled with anger and hate. I'm not a fool, I know there is an immense amount of anger and hatred loose in the world, but there's also an abundance of love. It's easy to think that it isn't present when we see horrible things happen around us, in our world, our country, our town, at our jobs. If we don't see loving action in the people around us, we don't think it exists, but it does and it's everywhere.
I've been working through a lot of my own issues lately, brought about by a difficult childhood and a difficult adulthood. My relationships haven't been good and have been filled with anger and abuse. I've worked through the gamut of emotions; anger, despair, confusion, loss, hopelessness and over and over again I have had to face the reality that the abuse and hurt I received never was the worst of what happened, what I did to myself was the worst of all.
Those of us who have lived through abuse, neglect, and pain know that the worst things you heard were inside your own head. The worst things that happened you did to yourself and the love that your own soul cried out for in desperation you denied yourself. The world is filled with hatred and pain, but the hatred and pain we see outside of ourselves is microscopic compared to the world of hatred and pain inside our own selves. What our inner world is comprised of forms our vision of the outer world.
The wounds inside of me may have been started by others, but they were nursed, continued and encouraged by me. As I have worked to heal them and allow love for myself to truly become a reality, I see the world differently. Yes, I still see that awful things happen to people everyday, but instead of seeing them as coming from horribly abusive people I see them coming from people who are hurt, lost and confused, people who are caught in systems that have become pathological and hurt those who run those systems and those who are subject to them.
A friend and I were talking about how we see the world and I told him that I see the world as being suffused with love, as though love permeates everything and is available all around us at all times. We just don't see the love available to us because our own stuff gets in the way and we hold ourselves separate from it. He looked at me with a fixed smile on his face and said, "Okay, Christi, that's an interesting perspective. That's not how I see the world at all. But we know this about you, with you it's all about the love" and it is.
I do see the world as being filled with love, but if we cannot truly love ourselves which includes accepting and embracing the parts of ourselves we find less than honorable or even distasteful, we will never get to experience that love even though it's right there. I believe that because as I began to heal and really allowed love into my heart that's what the world became for me, filled with love.
So how does this love translate into my everyday life? I'm still figuring that out, but here's what I have so far: Anyone you see acting in a hurtful way towards other people is acting out of an incredible amount of pain within themselves. They may be hurt, confused, scared, feel helpless or out of control and I know what it feels like to live that way, it's awful. If they don't have many internal resources or good role-models in their lives they may not have the tools to do things differently and I understand that too.
So instead of thinking that my neighbor is a bad mother, the city council is full of a bunch of elitist, greedy, bastards and this town is full of a bunch of closed-minded fools, I can realize these people are actually in a lot of pain and are most likely doing the best they can. I can remember that there were times when I was certainly not at my sterling best and I would have liked a little compassion thrown my way from anyone who saw me. I can be patient, caring, understanding and give them a little unconditional, positive regard because everybody deserves to at least be treated with dignity and respect and kindness goes even further.
I can forgive myself for having a moment of judgment against them and send a little loving energy their way, hoping that things get better and trying to help where I reasonably can. I can get involved in my community again and realize that those working to help people may be in as much pain or more as the people they are trying to help and they deserve my care and concern too. I can remember that we are all held by pathological systems that don't support us and do what I can to make a difference day by day, person by person. And above all, I can remember the love that is all around us and is there for me to channel to everyone I come across regardless of whether I happen to agree with their behavior or not. It's all about the love and when we can truly be in a place of love for ourselves we have boundless love to give to the people and world around us.
