Over the course of our lives we have so many relationships - family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships - and each relationships has its own life course, its own journey. Often when we enter into relationships we think that they will last forever. Wonderful people come into our lives for various reasons and we think that we will have those people in our lives forever. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's not.
For most of my life I've been a "till-death-do-us-part" kind of person. I would work and work and work to keep friendships and romantic relationships alive long past their expiration date. It's only been in the last year that I have come to understand that holding on to a relationship that has ended can damage us. Not only can it cause us pain, it can chip away at the foundation of who we are and if we don't see that, we end up sacrificing ourselves in order to try to keep the relationship alive.
Sometimes relationships stagnate. Sometimes they turn toxic. Sometimes they just stop. If we're lucky, instead of ending, relationships can transform into something different and the connection with the other person can continue, but in a different form than it was before. The important thing to realize is that we do no good to ourselves, to each other, or to the relationship if we continue to hold on when we need to let go and walk away.
I think it can be difficult for people who want to be considered "good" people to feel as if they have to hold on; keep trying. The truth is that we do more good if we honor the lifespan of the relationship and walk away when it becomes clear that what once was is no more. In holding on we run the risk of becoming bitter and angry, trying to force something into a shape that it can no longer hold. Or even worse, we lose ourselves in the effort and the continual attempt to mold the relationship back into what it was. Every effort becomes a self-sabotaging behavior and if we continue we run the risk of losing our dignity, our self-respect, and our personal truth.
When a relationship ends, the signs tend to be pretty obvious. What makes them difficult to see is our unwillingness to acknowledge that the signs are there. We want things to remain the same for many reasons - we're comfortable with what we know, we're afraid to face a loss, we don't want to feel as though we have failed.
Recently, I've had to examine whether or not I contributed to the ending of a couple of close relationships and it's almost easier to take the responsibility upon myself, but I really can't do that. In these relationships I have done everything I can to keep the relationship alive. What is different this time, is that I have been able to acknowledge that there's nothing more to be done. The relationships have ended and it's time to let them go.
It's important to love yourself carefully and gently through this process. To be as honest as you can without shaming yourself, falsely assigning blame to yourself or to the other person. It's also important to acknowledge that not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime and that it's ending isn't a necessarily a bad thing, it is just over. That doesn't mean that we won't feel grief or sadness at the loss of the relationship; if it was a good relationship we probably will. That cannot get in the way of being able to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer able to serve the purpose it once did and that if it can't transform and serve something else within us, it is done.
Watch your anger if it comes up for you during these times. Chances are your anger is hiding sadness, hurt or fear. You are better served by dealing with the root emotion under the anger than the anger itself because the anger isn't the problem. Instead it is a protective mechanism designed to keep us from feeling the more painful feelings. Anger is easier, but the real issue at hand is the hurt or the sadness or the fear. And above all, don't be afraid to honor yourself and the relationship by walking away when it is time. If you are able to walk away, you're more likely to see the gifts and opportunities that the relationship brought into your life instead of the damage that is left by trying to keep it alive.
