"As you dissolve into love, your ego fades. You're not thinking about loving; you're just being love, radiating like the sun." - Ram Dass
Recently I contacted Steven Barnes, a trusted acquaintance (check him out here and here here), for help with my relationship. I needed clarity about some things that had come up and I wanted an objective opinion from someone I deeply respect and who is outside the relationship. In a very short amount of time we were able to get to the heart of the matter and Steve gave me some very useful suggestions which I have been implementing since we talked. In doing these things over the past couple of days, I have seen a drastic change both in how I perceive love and how I give love.
This morning, as I was drinking my coffee and enjoying the not yet hot, but very humid morning air, I did a quick little check-in regarding my feelings for myself and my boyfriend. This morning I felt a deep and gentle loving awareness of him as a whole person which included every aspect of him. I just love him, exactly as he is in every way. There was no thought about how I would like him to be, or what I would like him to do. He could sit in front of me all day doing absolutely nothing, saying absolutely nothing and I would love him with my whole being. My ego had faded away and I was just being love.
I messaged my boyfriend and told him that today I saw each part of him and love those parts unconditionally, with no thought or expectation of tomorrow. That just today, he was loved as a whole being by my whole being. His response was very touching and I was surprised by how moved he was by my message. It occurred to me, then, how little I must communicate this kind of love for him, although I feel it often when I think of him.
I try to tell my boyfriend that I love him often, because I do love him. But I have also told him that he isn't invested enough in this relationship and he isn't working hard enough in this relationship and I wonder if those words drown out the words of love as criticism so often does. My boyfriend and I are very different in how we approach relationships. Our relationship and family histories are very different and we have both had very different lessons in love over our lives. I have a difficult time being understanding of and compassionate toward those differences.
His perspective in relationship is to just let it be. He wants us just to be together and enjoy our time together and while I see the wisdom in that, my perspective has been that relationship takes work and effort and if we are not working both on our own stuff and on the relationship then it will stagnate and die. Neither perspective is wrong but neither perspective can work entirely on its own. There needs to be both action and inaction. I forget that sometimes the only action needed is loving each other and being love for each other and that has been my challenge in this relationship.
So here is my morning ritual that I've been practicing for the past two days. I check-in with myself and I ask myself these questions:
Do I love myself? Yes, I love myself.
Do I see all parts of myself, including those that are not as developed as I would like? Yes, I see all parts of myself.
Do I love all aspects of myself including those that are not yet as developed as I would like? Yes, I love all aspects of myself.
Do I see and love unconditionally the dark and the light on the full spectrum of positive and not-so-positive? Yes, I see and love unconditionally the full spectrum of myself.
Do I have compassion for the parts of myself that are hidden in darkness or are wounded and need healing? Yes, I have compassion for those parts of myself and I love them.
Do I support my goals and my efforts to live in accordance with my deepest values? Yes, I support myself in those ways.
Do I know that I love myself and how I love myself? Yes, I know that and how I love myself.
Then I ask those questions in regards to my boyfriend:
Do I love him? Yes, I love him.
How do I love him? This is a way to check-in with that love in my body, mind, emotions, and spirit and see how it feels.
Do I see all parts of him, including those that are not as developed as they could be? Yes, I see all parts of him.
Do I love all aspects of him, including those that are not as developed as they could be? Yes, I love all aspects of him.
Do I see and love unconditionally the dark and light parts of him on the full spectrum of positive and not-so-positive? Yes, I see and love unconditionally the full spectrum of him.
Do I have compassion for the parts of him that are hidden in darkness or are wounded and need healing? Yes, I have compassion for those parts of him and I love those parts of him as well.
Can I support his goals and his efforts to live in accordance with his deepest values? Yes, I can support him in those ways.
Do I want him to know that I love him and how I love him? Yes, I want him to know that I love him and how I love him.
Do I want him to love me in these ways? Yes, I want him to love me in these ways.
Then I tell him that I love him and how I love him and that I want him to love me.
Please understand, these answers are not pre-determined. When I go into this ritual I don't know what the answers will be. Each day I search for them being as honest and open with myself as I possibly can and when I tell him that I love him and how I love him, that I want him to love me, I tell him that it is just for today and that I have no expectation of tomorrow. And I truly don't have an expectation of tomorrow. I do this because today is all we have. Today is the most important day of my life; the one day in which I can actually do something. If he doesn't love me tomorrow he is free to walk away, no penalty, no anger, no judgment, because we can't promise each other tomorrow, only today and only if it is true.
This morning as I did this, I thought about how often love is a secondary reaction, sometimes after anger, fear, or frustration, and we're more likely to express those other emotions first and then come back to love after we have settled down, received what we wanted, or realized we were wrong. In doing this ritual I become love and I lead with love, not just love for my boyfriend and for myself, but love for my son, love for my family, love for all beings, and that means loving them exactly where they are with no expectation that they will be different. When I lead with love then there is understanding, compassion, patience, and humor. More importantly, when I lead with love there is no me, only love, and that is a beautiful thing.
