I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. It's come up in every aspect of my life. In my education, in my work both as a social work intern and a research assistant, and in my personal life. I think sometimes it can be difficult to answer this question because it gets all tied up in things that confuse us like our attachment to an outcome, our desire to provide service, our love for the people close to us, and the expectations of others. Sometimes when we seek to answer this question we may have a different idea of what is enough than the person or situation to which we are giving.
The questions that have come up for me in terms of giving enough are, am I learning enough to do the work I have trained for? Am I doing enough to prepare for my future? Have I explained enough, given enough time, enough examples, for people to understand what they have to do? Have I provided everything I reasonably can to my clients and what am I reasonably expected to give in my role as a social worker? Have I shown enough appreciation to my friends and loved ones? Have I given the people I care about enough time, understanding, compassion, and care? All of these questions can be hard to answer if you don't have a reasonable understanding of what is enough for you as well as your own internal signals for having reached the level of enough.
There are some people for whom an infinite amount of giving will never be enough and if you aren't careful they will drain you dry. There are some people for whom your very existence is enough and no effort on your part is required. And there are those for whom whatever you have to give is sufficient and when you say it's enough for you, it's enough for them too. For giving, I've learned to how to gauge how much is enough. It took running on the ragged edge of exhaustion to learn that I have limits on how much I can give and that I have to respect those limits. I've learned to examine whether or not I've done everything I reasonably can and whether or not I am able to more when more is justifiably called for. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I've found the strength within me to say it's enough when it's warranted.
For me, receiving enough is much more difficult. I'm used to living on a pretty lean diet of receiving and I've lived most of my life believing that I didn't deserve more. I've gotten so used to receiving so little that sometimes, when people want to give me more, I'm not really sure what to do with it and I feel uncomfortable and awkward but I continue to work on this because I've learned in the last year that I am deserving of people's love and care; not because I give so much but because they feel I'm deserving of it and I have to honor that in them and in myself. In doing this I have learned how to recognize when something isn't enough for me and to honor that within myself. I've learned not to judge the situation or person that falls short of enough, and instead walk away understanding that it just isn't enough for me.
I've had to learn that sometimes enough means stopping and walking away. I've had to learn when I've reached the limit of my abilities or my role. As a mother, I've learned that there really isn't a limit on how much you love and care for your child, it's never enough. As a friend I've had to learn when the friendship comes to its natural end, and I've learned that there will be some people who will always be there for you and sometimes that knowledge is enough. And most importantly I've learned that there really can be enough giving, enough caring, enough supporting, enough teaching, and enough loving, and that it's really okay to tell the world to go away for a day or two and give to yourself, because the love we have for ourselves is the most important enough question we have to answer - do I love myself enough to take care of me and what I need today and not anyone else?
For those of us in a profession of service, there will be many times when it seems like our efforts aren't enough. As lovers, as family members, parents, and friends, there will always be a demand for our time and attention and it's easy to feel as if you never give enough. As human beings there will be times when we will be tempted to give beyond what is reasonable, what is called for and what is effective. That's okay, it's important to do those things so we learn the limits of enough for ourselves and for others. And most of all, no matter how much we give or receive we can never lose sight that we are enough, even if other people can't always see that.
At the end of the day, or of the session, or the relationship what we have to be able to do is say that we did all that was reasonable and called for. That we made every true effort to do our best. When we can't say those things, and we will all have those moments, then we have to be able to look honestly within ourselves and figure out why we fell short and do what we can to fix the problem. Hopefully we learn to stop before enough becomes too much. And hopefully we learn that what we have to give and receive is enough somewhere with someone.
