The Dark, Crazy, Strange and Unwanted

"The darker, crazier, stranger, and unwanted aspects of us ask not for annihilation or rehabilitation, nor for ostracization or colonization, nor for romanticizing or facile acceptance, but for sufficient space to breathe and stretch and be seen and heard. If we deny them their own authentic voice in the community of “I’s” that make us up, we only impoverish ourselves, leaving ourselves partial, fragmented, segregated, busy supporting an apartheid of psyche." - Robert Augustus Masters

 A friend of mine posted the above quote to my wall on Facebook.  I've spent the last couple of days thinking about that quote and decided to spend those days in relative silence, speaking when only absolutely necessary which has been fairly easy since I've spent the last couple of days alone.  I realized how little I've been listening to my inner voices lately and I wanted to hear what they had to say.

Of course I didn't really want to hear what they had to say.  I mean, sure, part of me wanted to hear what they had to say, knew it was important, knew I needed to listen, listened some but nowhere near the level to which I should have been listening.  The inner voices talk of hurt, years of self-neglect, complete self-denial, abuse, rejection, shame, and despair.  Every story I have to tell about my life is a sad one, yet I couldn't connect with the concept that I had lived a sad life.  Who wants to admit that or look at that?

The truth is we deny these aspects of ourselves because we're afraid we won't like them, that nobody will like them.  That's my fear, that embracing these aspects of myself  and letting them have their space and their voices will reveal the truth that I am unlovable, that I deserved all the hurt I have received in my life, that indeed I am a misfit and there is no place here for me, but that's just my fear.  I don't really think those things are true and in order to release that fear I have to allow the rejected parts of myself to come fully into the light and have their say.

I've had to come to terms with a lot of things I didn't want to such as admitting I'm wounded, that being in an abusive relationship had a negative effect on me, that my life had pretty much fallen apart and that I need a lot of help these days while I work to get back on my feet, that sometimes I'm sad because of all I have been through, that I see the world through different eyes and while I'm reconnecting with certain aspects of myself which is nice, I have to get to know brand new aspects of myself which isn't always very nice.  I struggle a lot on this journey because I'm afraid that I won't be able to bear the picture I see of myself and that no one else will be able or willing to bear it either, but that hasn't happened yet.

It's hard to say that I've known the life I should have been living all along, but it's true, I've known.  I've watched it roll past me like a passenger on a train staring out the window at the passing countryside, I've always been on the wrong side of the glass.  I watched it going past dreaming of achieving it in some brighter future that totally eluded me.  I had no idea how to get to that life, if I'd known that I wouldn't have made the choices I did which put me on a path much darker and sadder than that other happier life.

My life is certainly better than what it was, but nowhere near where it should be.  There is still a lot of pain to sort through, going all the way back in my life.  I'm on my way to working through it, sharing the experience as I do which is hard. I know it's going to hurt and I have to admit to a certain amount of fear.  I don't like to be as vulnerable as I'll need to be, but that's part of the healing process too.


As I run around my town taking care of various errands I feel strange, realizing I look like everyone else, but feeling so different, so separate from them all.  I know what it's like to breeze through life as though nothing is wrong, even when your world is falling down around you.  Moving so fast you can't see the walls topple to the ground or take time to step around the stones of your life, you just fly over them pretending they aren't there, pretending that nothing is wrong.  I'm not doing that anymore, I'm stopping and looking at each stone and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion while everyone around me is flying by at normal speed.  I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.

The thing is, I don't want to move like that anymore.  I want my life to have a slower pace, deeper meaning, greater purpose, time and space for truth to be explored, and to listen to the parts of myself that may not always be the brightest,  I don't want to step back on the crazy train of frantic living.  I've realized in these last couple of days that the emotional work I am undertaking has the potential to heal a lifetime of wounds I have carried with me and that when I am done I will not be the same person as I am now.  My life can be different and I will be different, no longer walking with my chest blown open, but healed and whole.  That is the point of the work, but it's moved me into a place to prepare to let go and I feel the mourning begin as the door to that part of my life prepares to swing closed.

The dark, crazier, stranger and unwanted aspects of myself have been crying to be heard for a very long time and I ignored them.  However, I have stepped onto a different train that is taking me down into the depths of my soul to find those aspects, like a train into Hell taking me to hang out with the tormented for a while.  That's the picture I have in my head, I hope it's not quite that bad, but I'm afraid that it is.  And if it is that bad?  Well, they're only tormented for having been neglected for so very long, denied grace by a desperate attempt to find love.  So how can I be afraid?  It's just me, waiting for the love and attention I have denied myself but am finally ready to give.  Yeah, it's going to hurt.  It always hurts when we begin to feed a part of us that has starved for so long, but it's a precious pain and I am ready it.

State of Grace

I'm sitting on my balcony enjoying the anonymity of darkness.  It is warm and there is no breeze.  The crescent moon, fat, even with her hidden visage, has long since set.  The silence of the night is interrupted by the hum of air conditioners and the chirping of crickets. Ah, summer in Southern California.  I am reminded as I sit here that this is the best summer I have ever had.

The past year has not been easy.  Next month it will be a year ago that I began a long, often painful journey and still I am walking it.  Certainly things are not perfect. I'm still unemployed, which I hope to remedy soon, and that creates a shortage in my finances, and there are relationships in my life which are difficult.  On the other hand, I have enough money for everything I need and there are relationships in my life which are rich and wonderful.  My life is peaceful, though hectic, for the first time ever.

I've had a lot of conversations about what is important in life and how people come about finding fulfillment in the day-to-day.  I've always believed that it's important to do work that makes you happy over work that makes you lots of money.  Having space to be yourself, have your beliefs, live in the spiritual fashion that matches your truth, a significant relationship that is loving, respectful, meaningful and supportive of each person's growth and individuality, and of course, personal health are all incredibly important to having a happy life.  All of these things take work, a lot of work, at a deeply personal level.

No one wants pain in their life, no one wants to feel hurt and sorrow, but all of these things come into our lives; they are the only real guarantee besides change.  People, for the most part, would rather hold on to the hurt they know than face the hurt that will bring about change and growth.  I used to be that way so I understand that and say it without judgment, but I think it's a mistake.  Experiencing hurt because of personal work and growth can only help if we have the courage to face it honestly, with grace and openness, and the support of people who care about us.  Experiencing hurt needlessly because our life isn't fulfilling doesn't bring us anything except pain.

I've often said that I'm willing to experience pain for a purpose, but not needlessly.  That's somewhat new for me because I've experienced a lot of needless pain and I was the reason I was experiencing it.  We don't have to stay in painful situations, whether they are due to physical maladies, bad relationships or a job that sucks our very souls.  What we do need to do, however, is then be willing to face the pain that will bring about necessary change in our lives and that's never easy.

I'm lucky, I have a huge amount of supportive friends and loved ones who are willing and able to support me.  They are my created family and I'm always somewhat stunned by their love and support whenever I see it in action.  These are friends I've had for years, but never had access to because of the relationship I was in.  It would be easy to be bitter about that, but in doing without them for so long I have a deep appreciation for their presence in my lives now.

I could be bitter about losing a job that had meaning for me, but the truth is that job was killing me and wasn't fulfilling in the way I wanted it to be.  Losing my job was a good thing, overall, and now I have room to consider, make plans and find a job that will allow me to be home with my son until he is grown.  Then I will create a career that fills my soul.  The job I had kept me running so hard and fast I was never home and both my son and I suffered for it.

I could be bitter that someone I was with for 8 years, whom I trusted, would be abusive and hurtful, would walk out on me without warning or consideration, steal a lot of money from me and put me in a very bad position. But losing that relationship was a good thing, it was killing me and it was abusive.  I am grateful that he is gone from my life and there is room for something much deeper, much more loving, much greater than anything I could have imagined.  And now there is peace.

This gratitude has taken work, it hasn't come easily and realizing a lot of the things I came to understand was often accompanied by great pain.  Spirit is kind, though.  If we are willing to do the work we can reach a point, temporary though it is, of peace and love.  In this moment I exist in a state of grace, loved by so many including myself, but Spirit as well.  Life is hard, but there is great beauty to be had in it.  Moments of grace, times when we are captured by sublime beauty, moments of laughter with people we love, gentle embraces, and deep loving emotion, are more common than we often realize.  Our pain can bring us appreciation for those moments of grace and more grace comes with greater growth and understanding.

Someone said that when we feel pain, it is the pain leaving our bodies.  We hold on so tight to it, fighting to keep it even when we know it is damaging us.  Somehow we feel we'll be damaged more if we let it out and look at it, but we must.  It means we have to understand the nature of the pain, what is causing it, its effect on ourselves and why we are allowing it to continue.  Not many people are willing to admit that we are often responsible for its presence in our lives, mostly because we tolerate it, but we are responsible.

This moment is not a painful moment for me, it is a joyful one and because I have been willing to face my pain I have more joy in my life now than I have ever had.  Peace, love, happiness are the rewards we get when we are willing to do the work in our lives that we must.  We can all exist in a state of grace, in fact, we already do we just don't realize it.  I know that more pain will come, it's inevitable, but for now I am enjoying the peace and happiness that is mine.  It is here for us all.