I remember the first time in my adult life that my mother said those words to me, "You can do it afraid." I'm sure she said them to me a lot in my childhood because I remember that fear was not considered a reason not to do something, for the kids at least. But as an adult she said it to me when I had to start walking without crutches after a very bad kneecap dislocation. I was terrified, afraid it would hurt again, afraid I would dislocate it again, and that would hurt very badly, afraid that permanent damage had been done and I would never walk right again. It didn't matter, in the middle of a busy parking lot she grabbed my crutches from me and made me walk to my car and I did it. I did it afraid.
There have been many times in my life when fear has stopped me from doing something I really wanted to do or knew I needed to do. Fear seems to be a colossal obstacle to overcome. It looms large in our consciousness, it whispers poisonous thoughts into our head, "What if you fail? What if you get hurt? You'll never overcome that and everyone will know..." But something I've learned over the years, whenever I've had to face something that generated fear inside of me, is that I am bigger than the fear.
Looked at logically, if the fear resides inside of me, then by definition I am bigger than it because something that is inside of me must be smaller than me to fit in that inner space. From a neurological standpoint fear is a combination of chemical and physiological reactions generated by various parts of my brain and I'm bigger than that too. Yes, it's true, the fear response in me is triggered by past experiences when I have been hurt before or when I have failed before, but they don't necessarily apply to the present situation.
Currently, in my life, I am preparing to go back to graduate school and get my Master's degree in Social Work. It is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to be able to have a career in which I get to be of service to people and my community. As I was talking with a friend the other day, after my internship interview, it occurred to me that some of the pieces of my life I have dreamed about for many years are coming together. My first response, fear. I have chosen an educational path that will have a very specific outcome. No longer will I be relegated to clerical jobs that have little meaning for me and very little importance in the company I work for. I will be changing lives, the decisions I make could have very serious outcomes for the families I work with, and I will no longer be able to justify not giving my all by saying to myself, "It doesn't matter, I'm just a secretary." But this is what I want, this is what I have worked for and although I have fear over the journey I am about to take and the outcomes that lie in my future, I can do it afraid.
The other piece of my fear comes from the understanding that if I want to make drastic and positive change in my life, I can do it. It's easy to sit and dream about doing something and then let the fear stop you, to give in to those treasonous messages in your brain that tell you you can't do it. Then I get to see myself as weak and ineffective and I never actually have to do anything, it's an easy way to keep my life safe and small. But I'm better than that, and eventually the little voice that has been playing counterpoint to my fear the whole time gets louder and louder and I begin to hear, "Of course you can do this. Just try and maybe you will surprise yourself. You are capable, intelligent and strong. You have overcome fear far worse than this." and then a quiet little harmony comes in and I hear my mother's voice saying, "You can do it afraid." and I know I have no more excuses.
Over and over again we hear the messages that we are ineffective and powerless, but there are also messages out there that we are more powerful than we can ever imagine. It's simply a matter of which messages we pay attention to, which window we choose to view the landscape of our lives, that determines what we are going to believe about ourselves and our abilities. If there is something that calls to us over and over again but we are too afraid to do it we will never see the capacity we have to be effective in our lives and, ultimately, in the world. We can accomplish our dreams, we can achieve success, we can have healthy and loving relationships, but we have to get past the fear.
I'm not saying it's easy, it's not. It would be much easier to stay in my safe little world and never venture out, but I wouldn't be happy or fulfilled. It certainly won't get me what I really want, health, financial stability and the relationship I am working to create. If I want to create the life I dream of, I have to face my fear, I have to find the courage that waits inside of me, I have to do it afraid, and I HAVE to do it because deep down, in the most honest place inside of me, I know I can and to not do it is to betray the person I have come to know that I am.
So what is it that keeps you from doing the things you know will bring you happiness? What are the insidious voices that feed your fear? Listen to them and understand them and know that you are bigger than them. No matter what shape your fear takes, that keeps you from taking the steps to a happier life, know that you are bigger than the fear inside of you. And even though that won't make the fear go away, it's okay, because you can do it afraid.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Forgiveness
I just recently read a wonderful newsletter about forgiveness, by Robert and Diane Masters. Forgiveness has been a powerful topic for me in the last year, it was a word I worked with intentionally and consciously. Having worked with rape victims and experiencing abuse in my own life, I know how difficult forgiveness can be, but I also know how important it is.
Forgiveness is directly related to love; eventually love for the other person, but ultimately love for ourselves. It is also a two-sided coin as we don't just have to forgive the people who have hurt us, but we also need to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in situations where we were hurt. That doesn't mean we deserved what happened to us, or even that it was our fault, but we do have to take responsibility for the actions we took that put us in the position to be hurt in the first place.
It's easy for me to look back on my past relationships and feel angry, hurt, and justified in holding on to those feelings, but the truth is I am hurt more by holding on to those feelings because I am blocked from the self-love and Universal love that is always there for me. If I can't forgive those who have hurt me, I cannot forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt and therefore I cannot move into a place of self-love that the hurt parts of my psyche so desperately need.
My dear boyfriend once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that all people, even those who hurt others, are trying to achieve grace. There are those who have better tools than others to seek grace, but it's really what we all want. When people are hurtful, abusive, violent it really speaks to their inner pain and their inability to find that grace within themselves; that alone is a reason for compassion. How horrible it is to crave that divine love, the beauty and peace of grace, and never feel as though you can achieve it.
The people who have hurt me in my life are all people who are in deep pain and probably always will be. They caused me pain out of their own deep pain, not because they are evil. As someone who strives to bring love and healing to others, I cannot ignore the cries of pain that their actions belie. My own heart hurts at those expressions of pain and because of that, I can forgive.
I don't have to hold on to my pain and anger as a way to continually punish them (and ultimately myself), their lives are punishment enough. Instead I can forgive them and even love them in a certain way, knowing that they are doing the best they can with a very poor and unsuitable tool kit with which to do better. Has it been easy? Certainly not! In my weaker moments, when I am tired, stressed, overwhelmed or just a bit down, those feelings of anger and hurt can easily come creeping back in. But then I remember who I am and who we all are, that we are all beings on a journey trying to reach grace. In my worst moments, my own inability to achieve grace hurts. I understand that pain and then, I can understand their pain.
Forgiveness is one of the many paths to love, for ourselves and to others. It provides a deep healing that doesn't excuse the pain others have caused us, but allows us to see it in a different light. When we can forgive we move from a place of victimization, a place stuck in the past, into the glorious present, where hopefully, we are not being hurt anymore.
I will never be able to change the fact that I have been hurt, but I don't have to live there anymore, because that is no longer my life. In my journey to heal I have come to a place where I am loved and cared for by many people, and although I still have contact with a couple of people who have hurt me in the past, I am no longer hurt by them anymore, because their path to causing me pain has been paved over by the love and forgiveness I have worked for. Do they still annoy me sometimes? Yes, but that is more about my expectations that they be different than anything they do.
The power to not be hurt by others ultimately lies in our hands. When we are taken by surprise, or have specific expectations of another's behavior we can be hurt; I can still be hurt. But what I am no longer is a victim, because now I have the tools to understand where that hurt comes from within me. The focus is no longer on those who hurt, but how I am vulnerable within myself to be hurt. That's actually an empowering perspective. When I understand the source of that within me, I then have the power to transform that hurt into deeper understanding and strength, which ultimately leads me to forgiveness and love.
Forgiveness is difficult, but it is also vital to our well-being and our own growth. It takes time and a lot of work, but the love and grace we receive and then can give, through forgiveness, is worth every effort we can make. Love yourself enough to forgive and eventually you will find enough love to embrace the world.
Forgiveness is directly related to love; eventually love for the other person, but ultimately love for ourselves. It is also a two-sided coin as we don't just have to forgive the people who have hurt us, but we also need to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in situations where we were hurt. That doesn't mean we deserved what happened to us, or even that it was our fault, but we do have to take responsibility for the actions we took that put us in the position to be hurt in the first place.
It's easy for me to look back on my past relationships and feel angry, hurt, and justified in holding on to those feelings, but the truth is I am hurt more by holding on to those feelings because I am blocked from the self-love and Universal love that is always there for me. If I can't forgive those who have hurt me, I cannot forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt and therefore I cannot move into a place of self-love that the hurt parts of my psyche so desperately need.
My dear boyfriend once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that all people, even those who hurt others, are trying to achieve grace. There are those who have better tools than others to seek grace, but it's really what we all want. When people are hurtful, abusive, violent it really speaks to their inner pain and their inability to find that grace within themselves; that alone is a reason for compassion. How horrible it is to crave that divine love, the beauty and peace of grace, and never feel as though you can achieve it.
The people who have hurt me in my life are all people who are in deep pain and probably always will be. They caused me pain out of their own deep pain, not because they are evil. As someone who strives to bring love and healing to others, I cannot ignore the cries of pain that their actions belie. My own heart hurts at those expressions of pain and because of that, I can forgive.
I don't have to hold on to my pain and anger as a way to continually punish them (and ultimately myself), their lives are punishment enough. Instead I can forgive them and even love them in a certain way, knowing that they are doing the best they can with a very poor and unsuitable tool kit with which to do better. Has it been easy? Certainly not! In my weaker moments, when I am tired, stressed, overwhelmed or just a bit down, those feelings of anger and hurt can easily come creeping back in. But then I remember who I am and who we all are, that we are all beings on a journey trying to reach grace. In my worst moments, my own inability to achieve grace hurts. I understand that pain and then, I can understand their pain.
Forgiveness is one of the many paths to love, for ourselves and to others. It provides a deep healing that doesn't excuse the pain others have caused us, but allows us to see it in a different light. When we can forgive we move from a place of victimization, a place stuck in the past, into the glorious present, where hopefully, we are not being hurt anymore.
I will never be able to change the fact that I have been hurt, but I don't have to live there anymore, because that is no longer my life. In my journey to heal I have come to a place where I am loved and cared for by many people, and although I still have contact with a couple of people who have hurt me in the past, I am no longer hurt by them anymore, because their path to causing me pain has been paved over by the love and forgiveness I have worked for. Do they still annoy me sometimes? Yes, but that is more about my expectations that they be different than anything they do.
The power to not be hurt by others ultimately lies in our hands. When we are taken by surprise, or have specific expectations of another's behavior we can be hurt; I can still be hurt. But what I am no longer is a victim, because now I have the tools to understand where that hurt comes from within me. The focus is no longer on those who hurt, but how I am vulnerable within myself to be hurt. That's actually an empowering perspective. When I understand the source of that within me, I then have the power to transform that hurt into deeper understanding and strength, which ultimately leads me to forgiveness and love.
Forgiveness is difficult, but it is also vital to our well-being and our own growth. It takes time and a lot of work, but the love and grace we receive and then can give, through forgiveness, is worth every effort we can make. Love yourself enough to forgive and eventually you will find enough love to embrace the world.
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