Someone once asked me if I were to write down the story of my life to date what kind of story would it be? I answered her honestly not liking the answer, but knowing it to be true nonetheless, my story would be a sad one. Today is a sad day for me. I have family stuff happening which is taking an emotional toll and I have spent quite a bit of time this week thinking about various sad times in my life and today the emotions hit. I'm down today, full of sorrow for all that is happening and has happened. The more time that passes the more I am able to back up and really see the picture of the life that was mine and I don't like what I see.
Everyone experiences sorrow in their life for one reason or another. We all have situations in our lives that have tried and tested us and sometimes we're so busy surviving those situations we don't have enough time or attention to acknowledge that we are impacted by what is happening to us. Our experiences shape us in the moment and the people we emerge as may not be the same as the people we started as. But once those situations are over it is up to us to decide who we will be from that moment forward and how we will allow those situations will shape us.
I don't have to solely be the product of abusive and hurtful relationships, I don't have to be a girl who feels unwanted, rejected and unloved. I don't have to be just the daughter of an alcoholic. I am or have been all of those things at one time but they aren't the sole determiners of who I am. I don't have to turn a blind eye to the hurt I have experienced trying to pretend that it didn't make an impact and failing miserably in the attempt or blame everyone else for all the bad things that have happened in my life. Doing that creates vulnerabilities and weak spots that keep me in an unhealthy place of emotional pain. I am no longer the hand steering the ship, I become controlled by the tides of unacknowledged emotions, subject to aimlessly wander without compass or guiding star, repeating the same mistakes over and over again and cursing the cruelty of life. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want the present or future story of my life to sound like that.
So while I embrace the pain that has come up today, I am mindful of how I will allow it to shape me. Instead of creating flawed, weak places I choose to become stronger and sharper. I can acknowledge the pain, the abuse, my mistakes and my choices with courage and grace. I can embrace the part of me that wants to lay my head down and cry with abandon and carefully hold my heart while I do so. I can be compassionate for the part of me that burns with shame over the things I have done that have caused pain and injury to myself and others. I can carefully cradle the little girl who wants to be loved despite the fact that I am not what my family would like me to be and despite all of the things I have done and promise her she will never be rejected or neglected by me again. I can give myself the space to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, I can incorporate the lessons these experiences have provided and, above all, I can forgive myself. In doing all of these things I will walk away a stronger and better person, forged instead of warped and able to move forward.
It seems that I come to this place over and over again in my process of healing, but as I continue to grow and learn I see the story from a new perspective and all the feelings arise again. I need to honor those feelings and I need to accept the story. That which shapes us has only as much creative control as we allow. Do I want to be shaped by my experiences or do I want to shape myself? Do I want to say that my life has been sad so that's the story I'll accept and why try for anything better or do I want to learn from the sadness of the past, accept responsibility for the part that is mine and move into a brighter future? The choice is mine. I am the creator of my future, the shape of my life is sculpted by me. I choose the form it will take and if I have anything to say about it, it will be a happier story than my past. The story of my life to date has been a sad story full of pain and sorrow. The story of my future life will be as bright as I can possibly make it. I am that which shapes me.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Love that Must Come from Within
I had a troubling yet revealing conversation last night which led me down a path of deep thought and some very necessary self-honesty. It has been 10 months since the abusive relationship I was in ended. I have spent a lot of this time processing through all the details of that relationship and trying to understand the effects of it on me and my son as well as the role I played in the abuse and that relationship.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
I have to admit to a desire to reach a point where I am not reminded of the relationship or triggered by something because, in truth, I want to put as much distance between me and the relationship as possible. Who wouldn't? There are unpleasant realities that lie in sorting through all that happened and all that it means and being done would be nice. However, I'm finding that there is always more to understand and come to terms with and I have to release the idea of being done and accept what comes because, as I said, there is always more.
A lot of really bad things happened in that relationship as they do in any abusive relationship. It's easy to look at the person who is the loudest and the meanest and blame them for everything, but the truth is that anyone who would be seen as the victim in the relationship engages in the abuse equally if not more. I turned against myself, I did things I thought I would never do, allowed things to happen that were obviously wrong and hurtful and even though I was miserable and hurting I still made the choice to stay and participate. Common understanding in domestic violence is that there is a great deal of control and manipulation which make it difficult, if not impossible, for a victim of domestic violence to leave, but I have to understand that in my case it was the sad image I carried of myself that made me feel as though I deserved what was happening and, as was pointed out to me last night, that would lead to my ultimate self-destruction, my death.
That stopped me in my tracks. My death? I was on a road to death? I didn't want to see that, really had trouble acknowledging it but as I came to understand last night, where else does a path of self-destruction lead except to our own destruction? What is more, I was a willing participant, a volunteer. I was seeking my own end, suicide by proxy, I just wasn't willing to admit it. It boggles the mind, really, but it doesn't take much soul searching to come to understand that I thought so little of myself, had such a poor self-image and had rejected myself as worthy of love that instead of seeking the love I needed, I sought death. In my mind I didn't deserve love and I didn't deserve to live. That realization will hit you right between the eyes. There is nowhere to hide once you can accept that realization as true. You can't blame the abuser and hide under the details of all the horrible things that happened, you can only look to yourself and begin to understand.
At no time should anyone think that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves what they get; no one deserves to be abused. But as a woman who was in an abusive relationship I cannot fail to acknowledge that I put myself in that situation, did horrible things to myself and allowed horrible things to happen. I made a choice to stay, to accept what was happening, to become complicit in my own abuse and to become a hand in my own destruction. I have to accept responsibility for the choices I made or I am doomed to make them all over again.
I have to understand that contrary to what I told myself I wasn't seeking love, I was seeking death and it came from a rejection of self so complete that I was willing to kill that self, but was too cowardly to admit it and do it myself so I found someone who would do it for me. How sad that is, how incredibly tragic and unfortunately, how common a tale that really is. Did I need love and want love? Of course, but the love I needed wasn't love from someone else, but was love from myself. I was never going to find the love I needed, wanted and deserved until I loved myself the way I needed, wanted and deserved.
As I have walked through my life I have looked for the important things like love and acceptance outside of myself, but these things must come first from within. If I don't love and accept myself first the only love and acceptance I'll find will be false. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. I had to sit with that one a little bit for the full impact of it to hit me. The people we are with are mirrors of how we feel about ourselves and I was with someone who was going to kill me...damn.
I've had to do a lot of work to reclaim the self I rejected. It took a dark night of the soul to reclaim that part of me I had locked away and to learn to love myself again. The self I have reclaimed I love fiercely and deeply. No one will hurt me like that again, most especially myself. I cherish myself and my life and I have goals and dreams and desires, most importantly a desire to live a happy, healthy, long life. I deserve to be loved and cherished by me and in my relationships, but I have to remember that being loved and cherished starts with me. Without that, I really have no hope of achieving all I hope to accomplish. Above all, I cannot forget the dark potential that lies in denying myself love, it is a road that leads to a tragic end and I don't deserve that. No one does.
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