Today was an amazing day for me. My family got together for Easter at my brother's house. I was tired from staying out too late last night, which can make me a little bit grumpy and I was just a little bit grumpy. It was a communal event, I handled the Easter baskets as I am the coolest person in my family so I get the coolest stuff for the three boys. My parents and brother handled the food and the beverages. I was happy watching my family hang out together relaxing and taking it easy.
At one point my dad and I were alone in the house and he looked at me and asked if I was okay. I started to cry. I don't know why I started to cry, I really had nothing to cry about and I said I was fine. He came over and started petting my head. We started talking about the path my life had taken in the recent past, the breakup, my job, starting a new life all on my own. He told me how proud he was of me, about what an amazing job I have done as a mother and with my work, how drastically I have taken control of my life and am beginning a new one. My dad has NEVER talked to me that way, in my entire life. He told me how he worried about me being alone because I'm someone who needs to have a person to love in my life, he said he understood that. It was the sweetest gift I have ever received and something I certainly couldn't have expected.
My mom followed him with loving, caring, supportive words of her own. My brother had words of encouragement of his own to give. None of them were aware of the other conversations they were all completely independent of each other, it was amazing. My family has never been so supportive, proud, loving, caring and understanding to me in my entire life. It was a glorious experience but it was also somewhat like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" if you know what I mean. Great, but definitely surreal.
This has come on top of a week of incredible interactions with people coming forward and sharing the effect I have on their lives. The person that I thought myself to be is not the person I see reflected in their eyes. The person I believed myself to be was someone who didn't have much value, wasn't worth much fuss, didn't deserve to happy, healthy or successful, someone whose place was serve others, support others, assist others in obtaining their goals, but not worthy of goals of her own. I am no longer that person.
Today the picture came together of the person that I truly am. Today, unexpectedly a piece of my heart was healed because I can embrace myself as that person and not push her away with fear that I could never live up to her, I am her. I've been living this crazy double life trying so hard to become someone I already am and rejecting every effort as never enough, what a tragic irony. I don't have to keep doing that.
So today, I can reconcile the conversation I had last week, you knew you were right about who I was because you see who I am and they aren't so different. Today I can see the light that shines in people's eyes when we smile at each other and know that I am part of that light, I shine. I can see that how I choose to react to unpleasant situations empowers others to react in similar ways, that I inspire people, that my kindness is more that public civility but is an expression of deep love for all of the people around me, and more.
Today, I stepped into the light and took hold of who I a really am. To find myself so different from who I believed myself to be is like being unplugged from the Matrix, I hate to use that analogy but I really have no other way to explain it. Realizing you aren't at all the person you thought yourself to be but are instead something much more wonderful than you ever could have imagined is magical in one sense and like waking from a very long nightmare in another sense.
My negative perceptions of myself were all donations from other people and three of them apologized to me today for contributing to those beliefs and for how terribly untrue and hurtful those perspectives were. I have a rule that when you hear the same thing at least three times in a relatively short amount of time it's the Universe trying to tell you something, you should pay attention and believe it. Today I heard the message three times, I heard countless wonderful things throughout this whole week. The messages I have consistently gotten are messages of love, acceptance, joy and gratitude for the person that I am. I am equally grateful and full of love for the people who have shared these messages with me, they are an equal blessing in my life and as light shines in their hearts for me, light shines in my heart for them.
I know that I will lose sight of this of this wonderful vision of myself at least temporarily. I know that it will be challenged, it always is, but I will continue to work to hold tight and true to it so if I do forget it is only for a short time and I'll be able to come back to it more quickly on my own. My mom likened the place in my journey to the transition from Book One to Book Two. Of course, there is more work to be done and I will continue on with the work I have to do, but I get to leave behind the unnecessary baggage that weighs me down and makes it difficult to move forward. I get to move forward knowing I am loved, supported and cared about and the abuse of the past doesn't have to follow me into the future if I don't want it to. It will always color my storyline, but it doesn't have to dictate it. Book One is always a part of my story, but it's time for a new story now.
Today, on Easter Sunday, I stepped into the light and began a new life. I released the darkness of the past and embraced the light of the present. I feel the love that is a gift for me and a gift from me and I embrace the brightness of that love as a part of me and part of those around me. Today, I embrace me.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
This Hero's Journey
Today is Easter Sunday and I can't help thinking about the Hero's Journey at this time of year. Today is the day when the hero emerges from his or her dark night of the soul and steps into the light of new life filled with wisdom and bearing gifts of great meaning for the entire world. Gifts of hope, wisdom, greater understanding, compassion, etc. It makes me think about my own journey and the process I have undertaken.
The road to self improvement is a long and arduous road. We must be willing to explore areas of our life which are difficult to look at. It requires honesty, courage and a willingness to continue even when it seems that the existence of a happier side of the journey is a fairytale someone told you just to see if they could get you to take on this crazy process. It requires dedication and faith. I am not on the other side of this process, I am right in the middle of it and sometimes I'm not very happy about where I find myself. I want to be further along, I want to be stronger, healthier, happier, more stable and not always looking at some inner issue that gets in the way of me being the person I want to be.
Part of what I am realizing is that this larger, overarching journey that I am undertaking, the journey towards a happier, healthier, more successful Christi, is not one journey with a road that seems to stretch endlessly in front of me in a dark and frightening landscape. It's made up of countless little journeys that each have their particular difficulties and are trying in some way or another, but also have their particular victories and heal a piece of my heart a little at a time. Many little journeys are the ingredients of this larger journey which is ultimately called life. If we take them one at a time it's much more manageable to move forward on our life path in a way that gets us closer to being the person we want to be. Will I ever run out of things to work on? I doubt it. I'm sure I will always see room for improvement, my journey will continue on until the end of my days. There is no time limit on our ability to grow as long as we have the capacity to do so.
I often feel as I go through this process and face my own dark nights of the soul that I am a wounded creature, more hurt than whole, who has little to give and needs so very much. I think sometimes that's true, at various times in our lives we are all that way, but that is not the sum total of me. I am so much more than that, we all are, and to limit ourselves to our weakest qualities is to do ourselves a grave injustice. There are times when I rail against this process, this journey, that I know is so important. I feel resentful at all the work I seem to have to do and wish I was further along, but I know that the work makes me stronger, better, wiser, more compassionate and better able to help others when they find themselves in a similar place. I am forged by this process, not defeated.
If all that we are is our weakest qualities then we wouldn't have hero myths where the hero returns victorious. We are meant to return victorious aware of all we have to offer the world and ourselves. I don't have to wait to find the end of the road before I find that I do have gifts to give, we all do, and I get more every time I take another journey within and come out into the light. Am I a wounded creature? Undoubtedly, but I am also many other things and a visit with my friends yesterday reminded me of that again. I am so much more than my wounds and my scars. I am also light, joy, wisdom, compassion, a helping hand, a loving heart, a loyal friend, a dedicated mother, a musician, a statistician, a leader and a human being in process just like everybody else. I can choose to stay in my cave and focus on the darkness never embracing the new life that awaits or I can come out into the light and celebrate all that I am, all that I have learned and all that I still have to learn. This Easter, I choose the light.
The road to self improvement is a long and arduous road. We must be willing to explore areas of our life which are difficult to look at. It requires honesty, courage and a willingness to continue even when it seems that the existence of a happier side of the journey is a fairytale someone told you just to see if they could get you to take on this crazy process. It requires dedication and faith. I am not on the other side of this process, I am right in the middle of it and sometimes I'm not very happy about where I find myself. I want to be further along, I want to be stronger, healthier, happier, more stable and not always looking at some inner issue that gets in the way of me being the person I want to be.
Part of what I am realizing is that this larger, overarching journey that I am undertaking, the journey towards a happier, healthier, more successful Christi, is not one journey with a road that seems to stretch endlessly in front of me in a dark and frightening landscape. It's made up of countless little journeys that each have their particular difficulties and are trying in some way or another, but also have their particular victories and heal a piece of my heart a little at a time. Many little journeys are the ingredients of this larger journey which is ultimately called life. If we take them one at a time it's much more manageable to move forward on our life path in a way that gets us closer to being the person we want to be. Will I ever run out of things to work on? I doubt it. I'm sure I will always see room for improvement, my journey will continue on until the end of my days. There is no time limit on our ability to grow as long as we have the capacity to do so.
I often feel as I go through this process and face my own dark nights of the soul that I am a wounded creature, more hurt than whole, who has little to give and needs so very much. I think sometimes that's true, at various times in our lives we are all that way, but that is not the sum total of me. I am so much more than that, we all are, and to limit ourselves to our weakest qualities is to do ourselves a grave injustice. There are times when I rail against this process, this journey, that I know is so important. I feel resentful at all the work I seem to have to do and wish I was further along, but I know that the work makes me stronger, better, wiser, more compassionate and better able to help others when they find themselves in a similar place. I am forged by this process, not defeated.
If all that we are is our weakest qualities then we wouldn't have hero myths where the hero returns victorious. We are meant to return victorious aware of all we have to offer the world and ourselves. I don't have to wait to find the end of the road before I find that I do have gifts to give, we all do, and I get more every time I take another journey within and come out into the light. Am I a wounded creature? Undoubtedly, but I am also many other things and a visit with my friends yesterday reminded me of that again. I am so much more than my wounds and my scars. I am also light, joy, wisdom, compassion, a helping hand, a loving heart, a loyal friend, a dedicated mother, a musician, a statistician, a leader and a human being in process just like everybody else. I can choose to stay in my cave and focus on the darkness never embracing the new life that awaits or I can come out into the light and celebrate all that I am, all that I have learned and all that I still have to learn. This Easter, I choose the light.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Spiraling in to Self Love
Self love has been the subject I have been mulling over most recently. It's been an issue that has come up numerous times in my life, which makes sense since it's so very crucial to living a happy, healthy life. It's not that I don't have any self love, I actually do, it's just that I'm not always in touch with it and my actions don't always reflect it. That's the key. Love of any kind is not an intellectual concept simply to think about and consider. Love is an action and for it to be expressed action is required on our part.
We learn how to love through modeling, we watch other people close to us and see how they show love. Unfortunately I didn't get many good examples of it growing up or in either of the significant relationships I was in. But thankfully, it's never to late to learn and we continue to learn through modeling all through our lives. As an adult I have seen many beautiful examples of love and I learn from them every chance I get. I do understand what it means to love myself even in terms of the action I must take for myself every day, unfortunately it is only now that I finally feel free to do so.
Like any person in an abusive relationship I didn't realize how insidious the thought process is that breaks you down from the inside out. In order to continue to stay in an abusive relationship the abuser must get the cooperation of the abused, it's a dance and it only works if both parties participate. Before I go further, I want to be very clear that no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, ever. It's not the abused partner's fault, actually fault shouldn't really even come into it. It is a dynamic that is created between abuser and abused. It is equally unhealthy and destructive for all the people involved and everyone is equally trapped by the situation.
Self love can't exist in an abusive relationship because anyone with an ounce of active self love would never allow themselves to remain in a destructive, unhealthy relationship as I did. I couldn't love myself, I couldn't even respect myself. I couldn't honestly look at myself because the vision I saw of the tiny, hurt, powerless creature I became was entirely too disturbing to behold and the worst part is I had a hand in its creation. But I am no longer in that relationship and I no longer need to be the powerless, unloved creature I became.
I know what self love feels like and looks like, I know how to be loving to myself but I have held myself separate from that love for so long that it takes great effort to keep it uppermost in my mind. It is much easier for me to set myself and my own needs aside in the face of other people's needs, wants and expectations. So now I am circling, spiraling in to self love. Every day I move ever inward, ever closer to maintaining self love above all. Love that doesn't radiate from me first as a foundation is very shaky and that is not the love I want to put out in the world. So each day I do something else that is loving to me. It's not always easy, I struggle with some things but I get there a little bit each day.
The Universe has been gracious and generous in its demonstrations of love for me, especially through other people most recently. I really am so loved by my friends and family it's ludicrous to continue to deny my worthiness for love. The belief that I ever was unworthy doesn't come from me, it came from others and was empowered through my abusive relationship, but it's not true. We are all worthy of love and most especially we are worthy of love from ourselves.
We learn how to love through modeling, we watch other people close to us and see how they show love. Unfortunately I didn't get many good examples of it growing up or in either of the significant relationships I was in. But thankfully, it's never to late to learn and we continue to learn through modeling all through our lives. As an adult I have seen many beautiful examples of love and I learn from them every chance I get. I do understand what it means to love myself even in terms of the action I must take for myself every day, unfortunately it is only now that I finally feel free to do so.
Like any person in an abusive relationship I didn't realize how insidious the thought process is that breaks you down from the inside out. In order to continue to stay in an abusive relationship the abuser must get the cooperation of the abused, it's a dance and it only works if both parties participate. Before I go further, I want to be very clear that no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, ever. It's not the abused partner's fault, actually fault shouldn't really even come into it. It is a dynamic that is created between abuser and abused. It is equally unhealthy and destructive for all the people involved and everyone is equally trapped by the situation.
Self love can't exist in an abusive relationship because anyone with an ounce of active self love would never allow themselves to remain in a destructive, unhealthy relationship as I did. I couldn't love myself, I couldn't even respect myself. I couldn't honestly look at myself because the vision I saw of the tiny, hurt, powerless creature I became was entirely too disturbing to behold and the worst part is I had a hand in its creation. But I am no longer in that relationship and I no longer need to be the powerless, unloved creature I became.
I know what self love feels like and looks like, I know how to be loving to myself but I have held myself separate from that love for so long that it takes great effort to keep it uppermost in my mind. It is much easier for me to set myself and my own needs aside in the face of other people's needs, wants and expectations. So now I am circling, spiraling in to self love. Every day I move ever inward, ever closer to maintaining self love above all. Love that doesn't radiate from me first as a foundation is very shaky and that is not the love I want to put out in the world. So each day I do something else that is loving to me. It's not always easy, I struggle with some things but I get there a little bit each day.
The Universe has been gracious and generous in its demonstrations of love for me, especially through other people most recently. I really am so loved by my friends and family it's ludicrous to continue to deny my worthiness for love. The belief that I ever was unworthy doesn't come from me, it came from others and was empowered through my abusive relationship, but it's not true. We are all worthy of love and most especially we are worthy of love from ourselves.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
It's Just One of Those Days
Today is a challenging day for me. Today is a day in which I am straddling the line between strain and stress. That's okay, at least I have that awareness for which I thank Steven Barnes from whom I am learning about the difference between stress and strain and my friend David for bringing Steve's words to my attention. It is coming in handy.
This is one of those days that I have to be very mindful of the window I choose to view my world. I must remember to breathe consciously, I must be careful where I let my thoughts go...it's all a choice and only I have the power to make it. Today I am physically challenged with pain and fatigue, emotionally challenged with personal issues that have risen to the surface, socially challenged with very upset and overly stressed people and I have to choose to respond to it all in the best way that I possibly can. Thank goodness for awareness because without it I would simply be reacting and my reactions probably wouldn't be very good.
I've been thinking about embracing the pain a lot in the last couple of days. It's difficult to embrace pain, sorrow, fear, and anger. Much easier to embrace joy, love, peace and happiness, but life is not all about the good things. I used to think that transcending pain was an issue of attachment, that I just had to let go of my desire for things to be different and all of my angst would just fall away, but that's not enough. I have to embrace that I have a desire for things to go a certain way and when events don't play out the way I would like sometimes it hurts. The amount of pain I experience is a direct correlation to how much value I place on the outcome. A great deal of value can mean a great deal of pain.
So today I am choosing to embrace the fact I hurt in a number of ways, that I am tired (nothing new there), that I am not at my best cognitively and that my first response is probably not the best response. I am quiet today knowing that I need to reflect before I respond and above all I must be easy on myself and how I feel. Today isn't a bad day, it's a challenging day and the difference lies in how I choose to respond to the challenges. Having that awareness means it's going to be a better day than it might have been two weeks ago and that is a blessing for which I am extremely grateful.
This is one of those days that I have to be very mindful of the window I choose to view my world. I must remember to breathe consciously, I must be careful where I let my thoughts go...it's all a choice and only I have the power to make it. Today I am physically challenged with pain and fatigue, emotionally challenged with personal issues that have risen to the surface, socially challenged with very upset and overly stressed people and I have to choose to respond to it all in the best way that I possibly can. Thank goodness for awareness because without it I would simply be reacting and my reactions probably wouldn't be very good.
I've been thinking about embracing the pain a lot in the last couple of days. It's difficult to embrace pain, sorrow, fear, and anger. Much easier to embrace joy, love, peace and happiness, but life is not all about the good things. I used to think that transcending pain was an issue of attachment, that I just had to let go of my desire for things to be different and all of my angst would just fall away, but that's not enough. I have to embrace that I have a desire for things to go a certain way and when events don't play out the way I would like sometimes it hurts. The amount of pain I experience is a direct correlation to how much value I place on the outcome. A great deal of value can mean a great deal of pain.
So today I am choosing to embrace the fact I hurt in a number of ways, that I am tired (nothing new there), that I am not at my best cognitively and that my first response is probably not the best response. I am quiet today knowing that I need to reflect before I respond and above all I must be easy on myself and how I feel. Today isn't a bad day, it's a challenging day and the difference lies in how I choose to respond to the challenges. Having that awareness means it's going to be a better day than it might have been two weeks ago and that is a blessing for which I am extremely grateful.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
"You're Worth It"
This morning after my meditation I was peacefully relaxing, petting my cat and quietly reciting my gratitude list. I added a new item to my list today, I'm grateful that I have been protected even when doing something completely stupid. In the next breath the words "You're worth it" filled my being. You're worth it, I've never felt that way. Most of my life I have felt unworthy, unwanted, unloved and above all unacceptable. The words took my breath away and while my head began wondering my heart was busy accepting.
There have been times in my life that have been extremely troubling and full of sorrow, it's true, but I wasn't thinking of those times. I was thinking of times when I really could have been hurt physically, financially, emotionally in ways that I can't even begin to comprehend or was prepared to deal with when I was making those incredibly bad and, I'll say it, stupid choices but I wasn't hurt. I was protected.
The other day I was challenged on self-love and that challenge reminded me that while I grasp the concept of self-love intellectually I haven't been so good at implementing it. In order for self-love to occur I can't turn away from the things in my life that need to be fixed; instead I must turn towards them and face them head on with honesty and courage. I have to open up to my shortcomings, accept them and then work to change them with all the love and patience a parent gives a small child. In the process of transformation one must be both parent and child - providing the structure, guidance and understanding needed to create lasting change while at the same time being open to the structure, guidance and understanding and taking it all in with a solid dose of love and humor.
Far too often I have been an accomplice in my own destruction but, sadly, I think that's true for many people. We are a punitive society that has unrealistically high expectations of ourselves and of others so it's hard to be loving and understanding when we find ourselves falling short of where we think we ought to be. As I have said, I have a lot of work ahead of me but I can say, without doubt or fear that I am wrong, I'm worth it. I'm worth the effort, I'm worth the love and forgiveness, I'm worth the humor and the support of my friends. I'm worth it, so are we all.
There have been times in my life that have been extremely troubling and full of sorrow, it's true, but I wasn't thinking of those times. I was thinking of times when I really could have been hurt physically, financially, emotionally in ways that I can't even begin to comprehend or was prepared to deal with when I was making those incredibly bad and, I'll say it, stupid choices but I wasn't hurt. I was protected.
The other day I was challenged on self-love and that challenge reminded me that while I grasp the concept of self-love intellectually I haven't been so good at implementing it. In order for self-love to occur I can't turn away from the things in my life that need to be fixed; instead I must turn towards them and face them head on with honesty and courage. I have to open up to my shortcomings, accept them and then work to change them with all the love and patience a parent gives a small child. In the process of transformation one must be both parent and child - providing the structure, guidance and understanding needed to create lasting change while at the same time being open to the structure, guidance and understanding and taking it all in with a solid dose of love and humor.
Far too often I have been an accomplice in my own destruction but, sadly, I think that's true for many people. We are a punitive society that has unrealistically high expectations of ourselves and of others so it's hard to be loving and understanding when we find ourselves falling short of where we think we ought to be. As I have said, I have a lot of work ahead of me but I can say, without doubt or fear that I am wrong, I'm worth it. I'm worth the effort, I'm worth the love and forgiveness, I'm worth the humor and the support of my friends. I'm worth it, so are we all.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Choosing the Right Window
Last night I got a pretty stark look at my life thus far. It's not that there were any surprises, there weren't but I hadn't really taken in all the areas at once. It wasn't a pretty picture. This morning I woke up feeling rather depressed and pathetic as a human being because every area of my life was basically a disaster. At least that's how it seemed.
I'm climbing out a financial hole that is pretty significant, my job keeps me so busy that if I actually got as much rest as I should all I would do is work and sleep, my relationships with family, friends and lovers hasn't always been very good. In fact, there was a time when I had no friends, my family wasn't talking to me and I was isolated in an abusive relationship. My physical fitness is not what it should be and often I struggle to eat properly and get enough rest to a great degree because of my job. As I said, not a pretty picture.
But is it really all that bad? It's true that financially I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be but I'm significantly better off than I was a year ago. Now I can support myself, pay all my bills, put money aside for emergencies, save for a vacation and actually have some fun and go shopping once in a while. Financially I haven't been this well off in about 10 years, that's improvement. My job does dominate my life and I need to take care of that, but I can do that. I now have a good idea of which direction I need to go and I am taking steps right now to fix that aspect of my life.
In terms of my relationships, the relationship with my family is somewhat troubling and probably always will be but I am learning to negotiate it better and I expect that will continue. My romantic life is currently without prospect but all things considered that's really a good thing right now. Historically speaking I picked men who really weren't capable of love and my last relationship was emotionally and financially abusive. The last thing I need is to be involved with someone else before I work out the impact of this last relationship on my life and on my self so I consider being single a definite blessing at the moment. As for my friendships, this area of my life has truly blossomed and I am blessed with the dearest, most supportive friends anyone could ever want. They love and care about me, they share in my victories and give comfort with my sorrows. We laugh together, we cry together and there isn't one of them I couldn't turn to at any time for a hug or a caring word. Considering the fact that I didn't have many friends all that long ago and the one's I did have I kept at a distance this too is a distinct improvement.
In terms of my physical health there's a lot of work to be done here. However, in the last year alone I lost 60 pounds just by changing how I ate and walking every single day. Since I took this position eating has become a hit and miss proposition and because I eat at meetings a lot my nutrition isn't all I want it to be, but I can fix that just by cooking meals for myself on the weekends and taking my lunch even to meetings; I can eat healthier. Exercise is hard to fit in, but it too can be done. I don't work late every night and if I am mindful of getting enough rest it's possible for me to wake up early enough to fit in at least a 2 mile walk every morning which helps control my stress and is good for my body. When I don't work late I can run by one of the many gyms in my town and fit in some time for cross training which is my favorite way to exercise. Getting enough rest is always a challenge with my schedule and if I want to spend any time with friends it means I cut my sleep short, but I can be mindful of how I schedule time with friends so that I'm not too tired each week and I get the benefit of hanging out with people I care about and who care about me.
It's easy when I look at all the bad decisions that I've made over the years and the place I find myself in now to feel totally defeated. Both last night and this morning I felt like a complete failure, but I'm not. Historically speaking I certainly didn't choose well for myself but that doesn't mean I have to continue doing so and when I worry that I might be taking a wrong turn I have people I can turn to for perspective and advice so I don't continue to make bad choices. I often refer to how people view life as looking through a particular window. The window you choose to look out of will determine the perspective you get on your life or on a situation, but it's a choice.
This morning I was looking out the window of failure because that's all I could see, however my life is not a complete failure. That doesn't mean there aren't things that need to be fixed, there are, and I will continue to work on them to the best of my ability but it also doesn't mean that my life is a complete disaster. I have already made positive changes and when I choose a window that shows only defeat I can choose a window that includes my victories. When it comes to your life which window will you choose?
I'm climbing out a financial hole that is pretty significant, my job keeps me so busy that if I actually got as much rest as I should all I would do is work and sleep, my relationships with family, friends and lovers hasn't always been very good. In fact, there was a time when I had no friends, my family wasn't talking to me and I was isolated in an abusive relationship. My physical fitness is not what it should be and often I struggle to eat properly and get enough rest to a great degree because of my job. As I said, not a pretty picture.
But is it really all that bad? It's true that financially I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be but I'm significantly better off than I was a year ago. Now I can support myself, pay all my bills, put money aside for emergencies, save for a vacation and actually have some fun and go shopping once in a while. Financially I haven't been this well off in about 10 years, that's improvement. My job does dominate my life and I need to take care of that, but I can do that. I now have a good idea of which direction I need to go and I am taking steps right now to fix that aspect of my life.
In terms of my relationships, the relationship with my family is somewhat troubling and probably always will be but I am learning to negotiate it better and I expect that will continue. My romantic life is currently without prospect but all things considered that's really a good thing right now. Historically speaking I picked men who really weren't capable of love and my last relationship was emotionally and financially abusive. The last thing I need is to be involved with someone else before I work out the impact of this last relationship on my life and on my self so I consider being single a definite blessing at the moment. As for my friendships, this area of my life has truly blossomed and I am blessed with the dearest, most supportive friends anyone could ever want. They love and care about me, they share in my victories and give comfort with my sorrows. We laugh together, we cry together and there isn't one of them I couldn't turn to at any time for a hug or a caring word. Considering the fact that I didn't have many friends all that long ago and the one's I did have I kept at a distance this too is a distinct improvement.
In terms of my physical health there's a lot of work to be done here. However, in the last year alone I lost 60 pounds just by changing how I ate and walking every single day. Since I took this position eating has become a hit and miss proposition and because I eat at meetings a lot my nutrition isn't all I want it to be, but I can fix that just by cooking meals for myself on the weekends and taking my lunch even to meetings; I can eat healthier. Exercise is hard to fit in, but it too can be done. I don't work late every night and if I am mindful of getting enough rest it's possible for me to wake up early enough to fit in at least a 2 mile walk every morning which helps control my stress and is good for my body. When I don't work late I can run by one of the many gyms in my town and fit in some time for cross training which is my favorite way to exercise. Getting enough rest is always a challenge with my schedule and if I want to spend any time with friends it means I cut my sleep short, but I can be mindful of how I schedule time with friends so that I'm not too tired each week and I get the benefit of hanging out with people I care about and who care about me.
It's easy when I look at all the bad decisions that I've made over the years and the place I find myself in now to feel totally defeated. Both last night and this morning I felt like a complete failure, but I'm not. Historically speaking I certainly didn't choose well for myself but that doesn't mean I have to continue doing so and when I worry that I might be taking a wrong turn I have people I can turn to for perspective and advice so I don't continue to make bad choices. I often refer to how people view life as looking through a particular window. The window you choose to look out of will determine the perspective you get on your life or on a situation, but it's a choice.
This morning I was looking out the window of failure because that's all I could see, however my life is not a complete failure. That doesn't mean there aren't things that need to be fixed, there are, and I will continue to work on them to the best of my ability but it also doesn't mean that my life is a complete disaster. I have already made positive changes and when I choose a window that shows only defeat I can choose a window that includes my victories. When it comes to your life which window will you choose?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Embracing Death
Spring is here and it's one of my favorite times of year. The hills around us are green, wildflowers are everywhere, it's warm but not too hot and the sky is a lovely shade of blue. Life and beauty abound and I take great pleasure in going outside and taking it all in. The other day it struck me how different my life was a year ago and how grateful I am to be in this time and this place right now.
Everyone knows that difficult times will come, but somehow we're never as prepared for them as we'd like to be. This last year has been quite challenging in a number of ways and I really didn't have any useful tools with which to address all the issues that have come up for me until very recently and that has made my challenges all the more difficult. But you know, the things that have seemed the worst in my life have yielded countless blessings and I wouldn't be in the place I am if they hadn't happened.
I know, everyone says that and until we go through difficulties ourselves we don't really understand how limiting life can be when we're not living in a way that best serves us. It can be really difficult to see the constraints that we put on ourselves and that we allow others to put on us, until our life is so small there is barely room to turn around and get any kind of an objective perspective. In those cases we not only need friends to help see our lives clearly but we need the openness to hear what it is they have to say.
I'm probably the worst with that. Not only have I not listened, I arranged my life in such a way that no one could get a clear picture of what was going on with me. I kept everyone at a distance so they could only see what I allowed them to see and I didn't let them get any closer even when I wanted them to be close to me. I was alone and didn't even realize it, because our minds are so tricky it's easy to deceive ourselves in order to continue surviving in the environment we've created. Change is scary. Our egos feel like we are going to die and indeed part of us will die if we acknowledge the need to change and start taking steps to make the change happen.
In our society we don't deal with death very well. Death is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs and yet we can't avoid it, it's going to happen. We comfort ourselves with believing that death awaits us in a far distant future when we are very old and very frail, but in fact death is all around us. Every little change we make is a death. Each time we choose one thing over another it's a death and we need to become aware of that dying process and how it affects our psyches so we can choose to embrace the dying and help it work to our advantage.
Years ago I read tarot cards at parties for extra money and the one card everyone hated to see was Death. Whenever Death would show up for someone I would take their hand and smile at them saying, "Don't panic, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone is going to die. What this card really means is that something is going to come to an end in order to make way for something new. For whatever reason something isn't working in your life and it needs to die in order to open up new possibilities in your life. Death is very powerful card, but it's also a positive card." If only I had been able to hear my own wisdom I so easily shared with others.
This time last year I felt like I was dying very slowly, one small piece at a time. Spring had come and I resented the meretricious display of new life all around me. I wanted the world to be encased in winter, lying dormant and dead as I felt I was. I hated how I felt, I hated my life and I hated spring. All I wanted was surcease from the pain and I didn't see that coming any time soon. That time of dying was so necessary. It wasn't something to be resisted and avoided because death is what clears the way for new life. If I had been able to embrace that process I would have made much better decisions shortly down the road and I would have avoided further pain and sorrow.
So now, a year later I'm embracing spring because I'm finally at a place of growth in my life. It isn't easy, but neither is it easy for a sprout to grow into a full-fledged plant. I have my growing pains and with the growth will come more death but I think, I hope, I'm in a better place to accept it now. I try to keep my eyes open so I can see my life clearly, I have good friends who are there to help me see clearly when I can't and I try to accept every little death with courage and grace because even though death is still scary I see how very necessary it is.
Everyone knows that difficult times will come, but somehow we're never as prepared for them as we'd like to be. This last year has been quite challenging in a number of ways and I really didn't have any useful tools with which to address all the issues that have come up for me until very recently and that has made my challenges all the more difficult. But you know, the things that have seemed the worst in my life have yielded countless blessings and I wouldn't be in the place I am if they hadn't happened.
I know, everyone says that and until we go through difficulties ourselves we don't really understand how limiting life can be when we're not living in a way that best serves us. It can be really difficult to see the constraints that we put on ourselves and that we allow others to put on us, until our life is so small there is barely room to turn around and get any kind of an objective perspective. In those cases we not only need friends to help see our lives clearly but we need the openness to hear what it is they have to say.
I'm probably the worst with that. Not only have I not listened, I arranged my life in such a way that no one could get a clear picture of what was going on with me. I kept everyone at a distance so they could only see what I allowed them to see and I didn't let them get any closer even when I wanted them to be close to me. I was alone and didn't even realize it, because our minds are so tricky it's easy to deceive ourselves in order to continue surviving in the environment we've created. Change is scary. Our egos feel like we are going to die and indeed part of us will die if we acknowledge the need to change and start taking steps to make the change happen.
In our society we don't deal with death very well. Death is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs and yet we can't avoid it, it's going to happen. We comfort ourselves with believing that death awaits us in a far distant future when we are very old and very frail, but in fact death is all around us. Every little change we make is a death. Each time we choose one thing over another it's a death and we need to become aware of that dying process and how it affects our psyches so we can choose to embrace the dying and help it work to our advantage.
Years ago I read tarot cards at parties for extra money and the one card everyone hated to see was Death. Whenever Death would show up for someone I would take their hand and smile at them saying, "Don't panic, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone is going to die. What this card really means is that something is going to come to an end in order to make way for something new. For whatever reason something isn't working in your life and it needs to die in order to open up new possibilities in your life. Death is very powerful card, but it's also a positive card." If only I had been able to hear my own wisdom I so easily shared with others.
This time last year I felt like I was dying very slowly, one small piece at a time. Spring had come and I resented the meretricious display of new life all around me. I wanted the world to be encased in winter, lying dormant and dead as I felt I was. I hated how I felt, I hated my life and I hated spring. All I wanted was surcease from the pain and I didn't see that coming any time soon. That time of dying was so necessary. It wasn't something to be resisted and avoided because death is what clears the way for new life. If I had been able to embrace that process I would have made much better decisions shortly down the road and I would have avoided further pain and sorrow.
So now, a year later I'm embracing spring because I'm finally at a place of growth in my life. It isn't easy, but neither is it easy for a sprout to grow into a full-fledged plant. I have my growing pains and with the growth will come more death but I think, I hope, I'm in a better place to accept it now. I try to keep my eyes open so I can see my life clearly, I have good friends who are there to help me see clearly when I can't and I try to accept every little death with courage and grace because even though death is still scary I see how very necessary it is.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Simplicty of Offering Aid
In December I flew to Northern California to attend a week long conference for work. I was delayed at the airport for 6 hours and while I was there I noticed a woman who had a baby with her. The woman was visibly upset and while I was watching her she put her face in her hands and started to cry. I walked up to her and apologized for intruding but wanted to see if there was anything I could to help.
Her husband had just left her and she had a newborn baby. She was flying home to go live with her parents and she was exhausted, naturally. She couldn't sleep because she was so upset about the breakup and worried about her baby. The baby was colicky and didn't want to be put down so I offered to hold the baby for her so maybe she could close her eyes until it was time for her to board her plane. Surprisingly, she let me hold her little girls and she was able to sleep for a short while before her plane left.
I work at a rape crisis center and more often than not when I go out on a call to provide support to survivors of sexual assault they fall asleep once I get to them. They have been hypervigilant throughout the questioning process with the police, trying to survive the nightmare they are experiencing until they can finally go home and, hopefully, forget for a while. It is only when I get there that they are able to let down and go to sleep. Nothing more is required of me than my presence and my promise that I will keep them safe. It doesn't seem like much, but it helps.
So little is required of us to help other people. Sometimes it's nothing more than being a quiet, safe presence for someone in crisis, listening to someone with compassion, getting a cup of coffee for someone who can't walk, carrying something heavy for someone who is struggling, or holding a baby for an exhausted, stressed mother. It's easy to help, so simple I just can't see not helping people.
I've listened to a lot of criticism and words of warning about going up and offering help to someone I don't even know and many people, my family included, don't understand what it is that drives me to help. Many times, when I tell people what I do they look at me with shocked expressions and wide eyes, shaking their heads and asking, "How can you do that?" My question back to them is how can I not? If it was me, if I survived sexual assault, I would be walking through a nightmare before I reached a place of healing and I know that I would want someone next to me holding my hand the entire way. If I would want that help how can I not offer it?
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and is, obviously, a big month in my field. I think it's important to raise awareness around sexual assault and begin a dialogue in our communities about how we can become advocates not just against sexual violence but all forms of violence. It is also important to keep our eyes open and look around at other people so we can really begin to see each other. So often we don't even look at each other and because of that we don't see when people are hurting or are in need. It is my hope that will change, it's not hard to help it's really so simple and if we don't help each other, what hope do we have?
Her husband had just left her and she had a newborn baby. She was flying home to go live with her parents and she was exhausted, naturally. She couldn't sleep because she was so upset about the breakup and worried about her baby. The baby was colicky and didn't want to be put down so I offered to hold the baby for her so maybe she could close her eyes until it was time for her to board her plane. Surprisingly, she let me hold her little girls and she was able to sleep for a short while before her plane left.
I work at a rape crisis center and more often than not when I go out on a call to provide support to survivors of sexual assault they fall asleep once I get to them. They have been hypervigilant throughout the questioning process with the police, trying to survive the nightmare they are experiencing until they can finally go home and, hopefully, forget for a while. It is only when I get there that they are able to let down and go to sleep. Nothing more is required of me than my presence and my promise that I will keep them safe. It doesn't seem like much, but it helps.
So little is required of us to help other people. Sometimes it's nothing more than being a quiet, safe presence for someone in crisis, listening to someone with compassion, getting a cup of coffee for someone who can't walk, carrying something heavy for someone who is struggling, or holding a baby for an exhausted, stressed mother. It's easy to help, so simple I just can't see not helping people.
I've listened to a lot of criticism and words of warning about going up and offering help to someone I don't even know and many people, my family included, don't understand what it is that drives me to help. Many times, when I tell people what I do they look at me with shocked expressions and wide eyes, shaking their heads and asking, "How can you do that?" My question back to them is how can I not? If it was me, if I survived sexual assault, I would be walking through a nightmare before I reached a place of healing and I know that I would want someone next to me holding my hand the entire way. If I would want that help how can I not offer it?
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and is, obviously, a big month in my field. I think it's important to raise awareness around sexual assault and begin a dialogue in our communities about how we can become advocates not just against sexual violence but all forms of violence. It is also important to keep our eyes open and look around at other people so we can really begin to see each other. So often we don't even look at each other and because of that we don't see when people are hurting or are in need. It is my hope that will change, it's not hard to help it's really so simple and if we don't help each other, what hope do we have?
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