Forgiveness

I just recently read a wonderful newsletter about forgiveness, by Robert and Diane Masters.  Forgiveness has been a powerful topic for me in the last year, it was a word I worked with intentionally and consciously.  Having worked with rape victims and experiencing abuse in my own life, I know how difficult forgiveness can be, but I also know how important it is.

Forgiveness is directly related to love; eventually love for the other person, but ultimately love for ourselves.  It is also a two-sided coin as we don't just have to forgive the people who have hurt us, but we also need to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in situations where we were hurt.  That doesn't mean we deserved what happened to us, or even that it was our fault, but we do have to take responsibility for the actions we took that put us in the position to be hurt in the first place.

It's easy for me to look back on my past relationships and feel angry, hurt, and justified in holding on to those feelings, but the truth is I am hurt more by holding on to those feelings because I am blocked from the self-love and Universal love that is always there for me.  If I can't forgive those who have hurt me, I cannot forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt and therefore I cannot move into a place of self-love that the hurt parts of my psyche so desperately need.

My dear boyfriend once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that all people, even those who hurt others, are trying to achieve grace.  There are those who have better tools than others to seek grace, but it's really what we all want.  When people are hurtful, abusive, violent it really speaks to their inner pain and their inability to find that grace within themselves; that alone is a reason for compassion.  How horrible it is to crave that divine love, the beauty and peace of grace, and never feel as though you can achieve it.

The people who have hurt me in my life are all people who are in deep pain and probably always will be.  They caused me pain out of their own deep pain, not because they are evil.  As someone who strives to bring love and healing to others, I cannot ignore the cries of pain that their actions belie.  My own heart hurts at those expressions of pain and because of that, I can forgive.

I don't have to hold on to my pain and anger as a way to continually punish them (and ultimately myself), their lives are punishment enough.  Instead I can forgive them and even love them in a certain way, knowing that they are doing the best they can with a very poor and unsuitable tool kit with which to do better.  Has it been easy?  Certainly not!  In my weaker moments, when I am tired, stressed, overwhelmed or just a bit down, those feelings of anger and hurt can easily come creeping back in.  But then I remember who I am and who we all are, that we are all beings on a journey trying to reach grace.  In my worst moments, my own inability to achieve grace hurts.  I understand that pain and then, I can understand their pain.

Forgiveness is one of the many paths to love, for ourselves and to others.  It provides a deep healing that doesn't excuse the pain others have caused us, but allows us to see it in a different light.  When we can forgive we move from a place of victimization, a place stuck in the past, into the glorious present, where hopefully, we are not being hurt anymore.

I will never be able to change the fact that I have been hurt, but I don't have to live there anymore, because that is no longer my life.  In my journey to heal I have come to a place where I am loved and cared for by many people, and although I still have contact with a couple of people who have hurt me in the past, I am no longer hurt by them anymore, because their path to causing me pain has been paved over by the love and forgiveness I have worked for.  Do they still annoy me sometimes?  Yes, but that is more about my expectations that they be different than anything they do.

The power to not be hurt by others ultimately lies in our hands. When we are taken by surprise, or have specific expectations of another's behavior we can be hurt; I can still be hurt.  But what I am no longer is a victim, because now I have the tools to understand where that hurt comes from within me.  The focus is no longer on those who hurt, but how I am vulnerable within myself to be hurt.  That's actually an empowering perspective.  When I understand the source of that within me, I then have the power to transform that hurt into deeper understanding and strength, which ultimately leads me to forgiveness and love.

Forgiveness is difficult, but it is also vital to our well-being and our own growth.  It takes time and a lot of work, but the love and grace we receive and then can give, through forgiveness, is worth every effort we can make.  Love yourself enough to forgive and eventually you will find enough love to embrace the world.