If there's one thing I hate to be, it's typical. That's probably because I don't have a lot of practice at it so it doesn't feel very comfortable for me. In a conversation the other evening it became clear that so many of the decisions I have made were made out of a desire for love and I was told it was common to want to be loved. I didn't really like that response in part because it meant I was typical. But the other reason I didn't like that response was because I don't want to desire love in my life. I can't deny that I do desire it, but I wish I could make that desire go away.
My friend told me I wouldn't be human if I didn't desire to be loved...well, alien would be an acceptable option for me then although not very viable I suppose. Why don't I want to desire love? Because I feel it's been my desire for love that has led me astray every time.and I don't want to be in that position again. But more than that it's because being loved and accepting that love makes me vulnerable and I REALLY don't want to be vulnerable like that again. You have to open your heart to being loved in order for love to truly be returned and to do that you have to become vulnerable to being hurt.
I'm tired of hurting. I hurt for so long and was locked up so tight in order to survive that the idea of opening up that space again seems incredibly painful. As though the love will set fire to my entire being and I'll vaporize. I'm afraid I'll betray myself all over again and in the end be an empty husk that walks, talks and smiles but feels brittle and broken as though a strong wind could blow me into a thousand pieces.
And yet after coming home from a horrible evening all I found myself wishing for was a pair of arms to walk into and and a shoulder on which to lay my head and that felt like betrayal too. I never thought this would be an issue for me I was always such a fan of love. But two bad relationships and two bad breakups later I'm tired and hurt. My heart aches for so many different reasons I wish I could remove it and lock it in a box.
My friend told me I deserve a happier life...do I? Does that life include love? My head tells me it probably does include love. But that's not something I can even imagine. I wonder how anyone can love this broken person I've become. I wonder if I can ever open my heart and trust someone enough to love me. Wanting to be loved was the center of my existence for a very long time. But for now, I want to pretend that I don't need love and that the desire to be held, to be kissed, to be cared for and comforted will go away with time. If I just give it enough time I won't want those things any more...right?
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