Well, I got through my meeting job in tact for the moment and we sit at a cease fire. For the other people involved in the meeting it wasn't a good meeting. For me, it was a complete victory. Not because I got what I wanted out of the meeting, that didn't happen at all. It was a victory for me because through it all I remained calm. When it was necessary I spoke my truth but because I was centered, breathing mindfully and fully accepting of the situation I was able to do so in an extremely positive way. That doesn't mean they liked what I had to say or that I was saying it. They didn't like what I was saying and they made that very clear, but it didn't matter because there was nothing they could object to in the delivery.
For most of my life I have had to put aside my own truth and my own needs in order to make room for others needs and truths, that is part of how I lost that connection to myself. As a child it was my only defense mechanism, I would put myself away in order to not be hurt. As an adult it was a defense mechanism as well but instead of being helpful it became the ultimate betrayal because as an adult I have no need to deny my own voice and doing so takes up the abuse that others have given me and puts it in my own hands.
So often we are not aware of the inner messages that barrage us throughout the day, that inner monologue (or dialogue sometimes) that goes on, and we certainly are not aware of the source of those messages. Most of the time those messages are there to protect us in a clumsy attempt to keep us from being hurt, but the origination point of those messages is extremely important to sort out because they may not be from the best source. They may not be the messages from our True Self, but instead from may come from other people with their own agenda and issues or they may come from a defense mechanism created to survive a situation that no longer exists.
I've found that meditation and doing my own personal work is the best way to figure out from where those messages are coming. If we do not take the time everyday to connect to our inner stillness we will never sort out the cacophony that exists in our own heads. The integration of our head and our heart will never occur, we will remain disconnected, we will be unable to access our highest and best selves and we will not be in a strong position to make good decisions for our lives.
So in the wake of all that has happened and is continuing to happen I am attempting to remain mindful, calm and prepared. I continue to meditate regularly, breathe mindfully, pause before responding and try to find humor while playing the game. Nothing has changed at all, except for me and I'm the only one who knows that at work. They can't hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt and I always remember that I choose the outcome of the situation, at least on my end. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. Do I allow myself to fail? Oh yes, you have to allow yourself to fail. Do I get up every morning ready to try again? You bet. It's really the only answer.
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