Transforming Demons

Today is a very good day.  Today I completed my goal for working out this week. This is a big deal for me because although I've completed weekly goals for working out in the past, it's been a while since I've done that and this week's goal was more intense than past weeks' goals have been.  I have a hard time working out because in order to get to and get through my workout not only do I have to exert my body, I also have to be actively working with my mind and emotions to battle the demons that come out to play each time I work out.

For most of my adult life I've carried a lot of shame both around my weight and the difficulty I have with moving my body.  The difficulty in movement doesn't come entirely from my weight, but just a general discomfort and lack of ease with which the commands that come from my brain translate into my body.  I come from a very athletic family, but it's never been easy for me to move like they did and no one taught me how to be comfortable in my body.  On top of that, many members of my family often teased me whenever I did something physical, which translated into self-talk that can be incredibly negative.

As an adult, I am responsible for the perceptions and beliefs I have about myself and my body, and although I can look back at my history and the people who have contributed to the negative voices in my head, I can't use that as an excuse for not doing what I know is in my best interest.  So every day, amid an internal symphony of whining, complaining, predictions of failure, negative self-talk about myself, and fear, I gather up all of those voices in my head and I give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be all right.  They can say what they need to say but I'm going to do the workout anyway and afterwards I am going to feel better.  I'm going to feel happier, more fulfilled, proud, and accomplished because I did what I knew was going to be hard to do in the first place and I did it with all my heart and all of my effort behind it.

Until recently, no one has ever really supported me in my efforts for physical fitness.  Sure, people thought it would be good, but they would follow that observation with the a statement to the effect that didn't really believe I would or could do it.  Sometimes they would outright laugh when I would tell them that I was planning a new workout regime.  I would leave those conversations disheartened, choosing to believe that maybe they were right, I couldn't do it and I would set up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Recently, that's changed for me.  I had a profound moment, sitting in a doctor's office waiting for a physical required by my internship.  As I was filling out the paperwork, completely without prompting a vision of myself as I would look if I were physically fit filled my mind.  I could see it and the thought that came up for me without any prompting or efforts was, "I can do that.  I can become that."  and I felt it through my entire body.  It was a certainty, a reality, and one I'd never had before.  I have never been able to see myself as a physically fit person.  I didn't believe it was possible.  But finally, everything I've been reading, everything that people I respect have been saying finally came together in my head and I had faith that I could do it.

Steven Barnes has a formula for successful change that I think is pertinent here.  The formula is simple, it's GOAL X FAITH X ACTION X GRATITUDE = RESULTS.  This is an important formula for change because if any one of these components is missing or equals zero, the whole formula equals zero.  Finally, I had all of the components in place, I had been lacking faith.  I knew this change wasn't going to be easy.  I've been down the workout road before and I knew exactly the demons I was going to be facing, so I had to have a plan and I had to have my head on straight to deal with my obstacles effectively.  I had to become a demon slayer.

It sounds more violent than it is, demon slaying.  I think it's common to imagine someone with a sword or an ax, facing down a giant demon breathing sulfurous steam out of its nostrils with fire in its eyes, and it can feel that way.  It can feel like the demon is 10-feet-tall and you are about one-foot-tall and you're about to be crushed but that's not true; it's an illusion.  The key to demon slaying isn't about swords or axes, it's about love.  Love is the only weapon that transforms our inner demons.  I have to love, accept, and understand those parts of myself so that I can transform them from the belittled and hurt little children that they've remained inside of me to loved and accepted parts of myself that make up my whole.  That's all those demons are, hurt little children who didn't have someone who believed in them, including myself, who left them hurt and unhealed for all of these years. But no more.

So every morning, I greet my host of doomsayers with love and acceptance.  I listen to what they are saying, but I don't believe it because I know I am more than my demons and I hold more love for myself than anyone else on the planet, and I will love and accept them with everything I have, and you know what?  Their voices are getting quieter.  Their resistance is become weaker.  And every day I am becoming stronger.  I can see it.  

I'm always a little surprised, still, by the negative reactions I get from people when I tell them I'm making changes in my life.  My roommates think I am crazy for getting up and hour earlier each day to work out.  They think I am a tree-hugging hippy for giving up dairy and reducing my sugar and wheat intake.  Some of the people I know have looked at me like I've gone insane and snorted with derision over my decisions and all it does is make me laugh because I know they have their own demons and for now they don't understand.  I am bigger than the criticism, I am bigger than the derision.  I know the people who truly love and support me are there for me and all I hear from them are words of encouragement and I know that is the symphony I need to be listening to; it's the only music that matters.

So when I work out I listen to the last movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony because it is the most triumphant music I know.  I listen to it because every day when I wake up and work out I am triumphant.  Every day I choose to eat healthy organic food I am triumphant and I know it.  I face my inner demons with love and patience, I love them throughout the whole process, and when I am done with my workout I am grateful that I have the courage to face them, that I have the courage to love them, and that I have the courage to transform them.  I'm not a demon slayer, I am a demon transformer.  Hear me roar!