This year has been an interesting year. Normally every year at the Winter Solstice I go down to my friend Beth's church and participate in the Winter Solstice ritual. Since my years in Wicca, the Winter Solstice has represented a time in my life to let go of old things that no longer serve me. It is about renewal and preparing the way for new growth to happen in the coming year. Each year we draw a word that represents the coming year.This year, for a number of different reasons, I didn't attend the gathering and I don't have a word. But I'm okay with that.
The coming year is going to bring about a lot of change in my life. I will be graduating with my master's degree in social work, I will begin a new job and a new career and my income will change dramatically which will greatly improve my financial state. This will more than likely lead to a new place to live and a new-to-me car. Some of the things I have dreamed about doing I will be able to do on a regular basis and I will be able to save money to make other dreams, like traveling, become a reality. I will be presented with many challenges and many blessings in the coming year and I imagine through all of that I will change tremendously.
For the past several weeks I have been feeling a longing in my heart to reach out to life and to live it. Over the past several months I have come to understand that I am a human being with a lot to offer personally and professionally. In coming to understand this, the value I've placed on my self-worth has increased a great deal. I have begun to see myself as being deserving of good things, good relationships, a space of my own, a life that has meaning and purpose as well as enjoyment. In the past, even though I have wanted these things, I haven't really felt deserving of them, and that change has shifted things for me radically.
In this new life I have to figure out what it is that matters to me. What will do more than just get me through every day? What will allow me time to love myself and care for myself so that I remain happy and fulfilled? How do I want to live my life so that I rejoice in it and live it fully? What do I want in an intimate relationship with someone? What do I want to give and what do I want to get? And the truth is I'm not sure about the answer to these questions yet. I want more, but in trying to put words to what that more includes, there aren't words yet.
This Christmas I've given myself the best gift I can possibly give. I am giving myself a year of dating me. Even as I write it, I can't help but think about how hokey that sounds, but for me this is a year of loving myself radically, more than anyone else. It is about giving myself time and experiences that are meaningful to me. Loving myself enough to bring into my life the experiences, time, and love that I feel I deserve, instead of pouring it outside of myself and hoping that will bring me what I want. I have a tremendous amount of love to give and I've never been on the receiving end of that love in any real, conscious way, so it's time.
I've already started a list of things I'd like to do with just me. There are movies I'd like to see that no one else wants to see, concerts, talks, dinners, weekend trips, and day trips to do. There's also time to spend whole days reading or watching movies, cooking, and spending time with good close friends. My friend JT, who is also dating himself , and I have decided to go on a double-single date, where we go on a date with ourselves, together. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but it is nice to share positive experiences with other people and to support other people in loving themselves. There will be no dating of other people during this year because I want this time to be sacrosanct. I don't want any distractions from this time I'm giving to myself and any romantic involvement would totally do that for me.
So, for the next year I am the love of my life, and I will celebrate myself and love myself in a way I have never been loved before! I will enjoy the caring of people who want to contribute lovingly to my life, who also deserve to be loved and cared for in that same way. I will be mindful, reflective, gentle and accepting of whatever comes up for me in the coming year and will maintain a consistent dose of, "I love you!" I hope to find out who I am and who I can become when I love myself enough to put myself first. It's not an easy thing for me to do; it's not how I was taught to think or live, but I feel this is the most important thing we can give ourselves: life with our self.
I'm excited about this new chapter in my life. I'm excited about being at the point in my development where I can recognize that I deserve to be loved deeply and enthusiastically and that I'm the best person I know to do that right now! I'm excited to spend time with myself and do things that bring me enjoyment and happiness. Above all, I'm grateful, that there are people who talk about the importance of doing this, which led me here. I'm grateful for all of the supportive friends who have loved me enough to tell me to do this for a really long time; who have wanted my happiness and believed I deserved it long before I did. They have all led the way. I may come up with a word for this year in retrospect, but for now this year's word is: me.
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